I was disclosed to & a couple herpes questions :) Read if you need uplifting!

First of all, I have been navigating through this site for a couple weeks now and want to say thank you to all of you for this wonderful, safe place of information!

So I am female, 23 and H-... My best friend of ten years is a male and recently I went back home for Christmas to see my family and one night when I went out with my friend, we drunkenly admitted to both being in love with each other and it was this huge romantic story story (well excluding the fact we were drunk) that would make most people gag hearing so I'll cut it short :). I flew back to where I live now and we started discussing that we want to date (no sexual contact happened) and I was being very open about the fact that I wanted to date and him to move out here with me. That's when the talk came into play. He told me that he got genital herpes type 2 from an ex girlfriend 4 years ago. In the one year he has been single he has dated on girl and never gave it to her. Hes on the medication and has everything really well managed. He kept saying over and over, "I understand if this is a deal breaker, we can pretend nothing happened and go back to being best friends."

Well for me when he told me he needed to tell me something my mind actually automatically went to "he has herpes or HIV" so when the txt came I already was expecting it, but reading it I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. It never crossed my mind that it would be a deal breaker though. I honestly just felt so bad for him because he is such a nice guy and he is so shy and quiet that I can't fathom how he's been dealing with this. I also had about ten thousand questions for him, most of which I started asking right then and some of which I still ask whenever I think of them but he was so amazing and answered everything honestly and I just appreciated that so much. He is coming in two weeks to visit and I know that we will have sex so I have been educating myself so much.

****My main concern honestly is about giving oral sex. If I give him oral, am I going to get sores around my mouth? I am pretty sure I don't have type 1 because I have never had a cold sore and none of my immediate family has either... but obviously I very well could.. and oral with a condom just seems like a waste of time to be honest so I am fairly concerned about this. I obviously do not want to get genital herpes but if it happens I don't view it as the end of the world, I would however be really devastated to have sores around my mouth.. (Whatever you do, do NOT google image herpes.. now all I can imagine is my face looking like that and I am mortified).. Do you think that chances of transmission are lesser after a shower or in a shower? I did read in other posts about the alcohol application and might try that. Also, does he need to be wearing boxers while we spoon and cuddle in bed? Is it weird that part of me thinks about just getting the disease from him once we're married so we don't have to worry about it anymore? Am I totally out of touch with reality for thinking that?

One thing that I recently txt him was "I've told you that I accept this part of you and that we're gonna deal with this together. SO I want you to promise me you'll work on knowing I mean that and accepting yourself for having it. There's nothing you can do about it so you have to think positive and not let it weigh you down and effect our relationship on an emotional level." He was very thankful for that and was super touched by me saying that but, I would like some advice to keep him having that mindset? He really lets this get him down and he holds a lot of shame and guilt....

This is getting really long. I guess I just wanted to share this and let you all know that there are people out there that are more than willing to accept this and you are still lovable. Keep your head up and love yourself first of all. Always be honest with people in your life and inform them that you have H before you sleep with them... if they leave then good! They weren't worth it anyway. If they stay, then woot! you've found yourself a winner. Like dancer always says, H is a great wingman :)

This also helped me so much, on this websites "informational blog" there is a section discussing the stigma about herpes, and it reads.. HSV1 and HSV2 have been around for about 4500 years and was for the majority of that time just a minor skin condition that no one really gave a second thought to. It was just like having a cold. Everyone would get a cold sometimes and with HSV they would get an outbreak. It was never a big deal. Living with HSV was just the way it was up until 1975. That’s right! It has only been an issue for 36 of those 4500 years. So what is the fuss about? Why are we so ashamed now to have this virus when for so long people had it and no one cared? Why do we care now?

During the research and development of the drug Acyclovir (Zovirax) it was mentioned there was no market for this drug because most people had never heard of genital Herpes before. The solution? Market the virus. A campaign was launched to raise awareness of the virus and the way it can be spread sexually. The Burroughs/Wellcome marketing campaign’s goal was to stimulate the need for the drug by alarming (disease mongering) the patients of the social consequences of infection and emphasizing that the drug could help to prevent transmission. FASCINATING!!!

Hi Dawn, as a single guy, newly diagnosed, this gives me hope reading this. I know a lot of the other guys and gals reading through this forum are thinking the same thing. We're all wishing you and your guy an amazing relationship and he's lucky to have met a woman like you. Trust me when I say he knows that more than he's going to be willing to admit. Sounds like you found "a keeper."

As to your questions,

1. Yes, you can get HSV2 orally. It's rare, but it does happen. So, for added protection, get those li'l flavored condoms, slather 'em with chocolate, strawberry's, whip cream, whatever and have fun. But, know that if you don't use a condom, there is a risk. I strongly believe I acquired it from a blowjob.

2. If you do contract HSV2 orally, the recurrence rate (outbreaks, blisters) will be very, very rare. In fact, it is not uncommon for HSV2 orally to show up once and never show up physically ever again (if it ever shows up at all). When either HSV1 or HSV2 are out of their normal "zones" they tend to be very, very quiet.

3. Showers can reduce the risk of transmission, but they won't eliminate it. Herpes is most often passed during skin/skin contact when no symptoms are present during what is called asymptomatic viral shedding. Friction rubs it in, and voila! infecta mundo! So, unless you two want to stare at each other from across the room, you're gonna have to touch. Touch, and well, you might get it. While it's fun to do the pokey pokey in the shower or the bath from time to time, there are going to be times when the kitchen table, living room floor, bed, porch swing, backseat of the car, elevator, back pew in church, are also going to be fun and showering won't be an option.

4. If your guy is on suppressive medication, and you guys use condoms, and you guys avoid sex while he's shedding, your chances of acquiring this go way, way down. Not everyone knows when they are shedding, but your guy probably has a good idea by now (most of the time). It's a problem we all deal with. That said, can he sleep next to you buck ass naked? Sure. Could that result in transmission while you're spooning and snoring? It might. But, note there are plenty of couples who have been together for decades, done just that, and never transmitted it to the - partner.

5. Are you weird for thinking about "getting it over with" and getting it? Nope. Not weird at all. Many couples like yours say "I love you, it's part of you, I'm marrying you for life, if you have it, and I get it, no big deal." That said, your guy is going to be carrying some heavy baggage right now. It burrows into your heart. You know that. So, he's not going to want to "give you this." He loves you and he's going to do everything he can to protect you. That said, I'd try not to get it, but, make sure he knows that if it happens that you aren't going to be bothered by it one bit and you're going to love him just as much as you did before. Also, keep in mind that about 80% of people who acquire HSV2 never show symptoms. So, even if you do get it, you may never know unless you get tested and it shows up.

6. As they say, don't make nothing, won't be nothing. If herpes isn't a big deal to you, make it clear to him. In time, it'll become less, and less important to him. Eventually, it won't even be a blip on the radar. Focus on the other things in the relationship and let herpes be nothing more than the topic that opens the door to true and lasting companionship and love. Sounds like you two already have a solid foundation that your going to build a lasting relationship upon.

Best wishes!

dawn:

OMG girl you got me crying.... this is so beautiful

One thing that I recently txt him was "I've told you that I accept this part of you and that we're gonna deal with this together. SO I want you to promise me you'll work on knowing I mean that and accepting yourself for having it. There's nothing you can do about it so you have to think positive and not let it weigh you down and effect our relationship on an emotional level."

He is a very, very lucky man :)

If I was you, I would get a blood test to see if you are already carrying either strain... the odds are you have not been tested and you *could* be carrying HSV2 silently. If you do have H2, you don't have any worries and you guys can go to town ...uptown OR downtown ;)

If you are H2- well then, I would use all the precautions you can UNTIL you guys are more established. Initial love is wonderful but once you have to pick his boxers off the floor every day, shit will get real and then you will find out whether this seems to be a long-term prospect. You can use the F2C Female condom which will actually protect more of your lady parts and it doesn't strangle his man parts :)

And Herry is right - don't risk getting it from him just to get it over with. Your guy is probably just as worried, if not more-so, than you about making sure you don't get it. If you were to get it early in the relationship odds are he would blame himself and it would put a lot of guilt on him. So take precautions, keep reassuring him you accept him as he is, and once the initial "weirdness and worry" wears off (been through it on the other end with H- partners) THEN re-discuss and explore what your risk tolerance is.

One thing... IF you can keep from getting it until you have children, that will make life easier for delivery. While you CAN have a natural birth with Herpes, it's something that adds another layer of risk to the birth and you would need to go on suppressives for the month before and they monitor you like a hawk for OB's because newborns don't tolerate the virus well at all...in fact, it can be quite dangerous for them. So dont go getting yourself infected on purpose my dear. If it happens, well then, it happens. I've had a natural birth with Herpes and so do most...but it's just one worry you don't need when you are dealing with raging hormones and first time mother worries :)

(((HUGS)))

You guys are seriously amazing. I am smiling reading these responses... thank you for all of your support and answers to my questions I have asked a couple doctors and they shimmy around answers and finally I feel like I have a good grasp on things. I am glad that I gave herry some hope and dancer some good emotions :) thank you for everything. It feels good to get a pat on the back that I am being a good support system for him and I love that others can read this and see that they are also worthy of having someone love and accept them regardless of any "flaw" if you would even consider it that. One thing I think about is that I have honestly had more sexual partners then he has and I should be the one who has it, and like dancer said who knows maybe I actually do. I am not better than him because I got lucky enough to sleep with people who are also lucky enough to have not contracted anything. Ignorant people have no perspective on the issue, and I am thankful that I have a place where I can talk about these things and receive positive feedback rather than judgment. THANKS!

I thought that HSV-2 was only like a 1% chance to get orally because of the fact that the chemistry of the mouth don't like each other ??

Anyways.. You can get it orally, but it is very very rare. More likely to get HSV-1 orally..

My boyfriend and I finally had a serious conversation and said he would give me oral after the year is up. (( Yay birthday oral for me ! )

Hi charlotteejoan, I am an older woman lost my husband a year ago and started dating 6 months ago and the first man I dated gave me herpes 1 genital. I was so upset I didn't realize what's going on and then single world in dating after being married for 43 years with my husband. I made a mistake and of course that relationship was over. Then I started dating the new then and he was wanted to to have sex and I didn't tell him that I had herpes 1 after about 2 months 3 months I decided to tell him and he dropped me like a hot potato. I was so upset and he no longer wanted to see me he didn't really say anything just never call me never emailed me anymore and just said it was over. I just don't know what to do I guess I could just give up on the whole dating scene and be alone for the rest of my life or I could try again and this time be more careful is stablished longer friendship and then if the sexual part comes in I could tell him before. But I don't think any man really wants to go to contract herpes from anyone. Especially at my age I just turned 70. So what does the group think about what happened to me its hard for me to get over the last relationship and it was more of a physical relationship I guess then a emotional support of relationship I'm

This is joancharlotte again. Do you think he dropped me because I didnt tell him sooneror if I would've told him sooner he would have never dated me. It was based on physical relationship only I think. I wanted to call him and ask him if we could work on the problem but that might be more hurtful if he just ignores me or doesn't answer my phone call maybe I should just give up with him and say it was an experience learning experience at that. I haven't had a recurrence of the herpes 1 and I don't know when he didn't get any as far as I know he didn't say anything about it no that's how it stands and also is very difficult in my aged to find new relationships. What do you think anybody have some help me I would appreciate it

First - welcome joancharlotte!

Sadly most who have been married a long time are not properly educated about the latest info on STD's. You are not alone in your experience.... and believe it or not new STD diagnosis rates actually often are HIGHER in retirement communities because of this...

So here's the deal - you CAN find a man who will accept you with Herpes. There are tons of stories on here about people who are dating H- partners...(I'll put some links below).

IMO we MUST disclose before intimacy ... because most of us got this because someone didn't tell us they had it (they may not have known or they may have known and not disclosed for fear of us rejecting them). And I feel that if you want to be in a relationship where we are cultivating honesty and trust we have to step up and he honest about our status. I expect the guy you disclosed to was upset because he wasn't given a choice about taking the risk... I for one would likely walk if someone did that to me...so consider it a lesson learned.

I keep telling people that Herpes can be your "Wing-Man" in dating - helping you figure out who the "keepers" are much faster than you might do on your own. AND it slows us down so we get to know the other person better first before we disclose... As you said, establish a friendship first.....

Have a look at the links below - they may help you see that you CAN have an intimate relationship with Herpes...and to be totally blunt, at your age, you will find a LOT of people will actually already have it.... the stats say 80% have Herpes by age 49 - so imagine what the numbers are for the 70+ age group... so don't give up hope. ;)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure#Item_2 Bookworm_21

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps#Item_2 nic4897

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2229/self-sabotage-i-seriously-need-to-put-my-brain-on-pause-lol

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2302/disclosed-herpes-to-someone-i-didnt-even-really-know-totally-inspiration

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

Hi Joan,

Chin up and don't put away your dance card just yet. Sounds like you have plenty of life left to live and this site is just the place to help you get back on track.

First, HSV1 at your age is about as common as colonoscopies and weekly alerts from AARP telling you about the latest specials at Denny's. In fact, about 80% of people 70 and up have HSV1 antibodies in their blood. So, the guy that dumped you, well, he's either senile or didn't bother to do his homework to know that fact.

Second, Dating sucks regardless of if you are 20 or 90. It's tough, especially after having been married for as long as you were. You need to build a strong local support network if you don't have one already. Get out there, stay active, do things that make you happy and with others that enjoy the same activities you do.

Finally, there's no reason you shouldn't have both a sexual and emotional relationship with someone. Honestly, both would be good for you. Now, an admonishment from someone who had to have this talk with his uncle not long ago. Talk about an awkward moment having to remind your uncle to use condoms the same way he did back when I was in High School, but hey, that's the world we live in. So, wrap it up before you get down to business. STD rates among seniors (sorry) are rising rapidly and you need to educate yourself on everything from HIV to HSV2. The more you know, the happier you will be, and the more quality men you will attract into your life.

Talking about condoms,

Just as a heads up (so to speak :p ) Herry - 70 yr old men and condoms usually don't get along too well.....lets just say they put a damper on things, which is one of the reasons the Senior population has such a large jump in STD rates in some areas.

So Joan - look for the FEMALE condom - called FC2. It's supposed to be a really great alternative AND neither person loses any feeling/sensitivity with it... Reviews do say to use extra lube with it tho...

http://www.fc2femalecondom.com/

You can get them at Wallgreens and If you buy online you can get them a fair bit cheaper too...

And Joan - tell all your Sr friends to GET TESTED!!! Most don't know that they won't be tested for Herpes or HPV or Chlamydia with the normal testing...so educate your friends!

I have never actually tried an FC2 myself, but I heard they are great.

Thank you. Can I really tell a new up and comming relationship.if I ever get one again. Herpes one of the genital.? I can't see anything older person wanting to have to Tennessee with me when their 70 years old people in there were older don't want to get sick your music system is not as good as the younger people so they probably will run much faster for me if I tell. Maybe we better to just take the antiviral medication seen that I didn't get an outbreak since the first one I'm not saying anything. I would rather be honest I didn't like the feeling of not being honest and I certainly don't know if that's the reason the last the man left Mimi's because I didn't tell right in the beginning. I'm almost positive they would have been not hundred dating if I woulda told in the beginning before we had sex because he was all about physical not really about anything else. So that's what I'm dealing with and thank you for posting on the post and I will read back over the posts what you suggestions are in I do agree with what you're saying its just that I'm very disappointed after so many years being with my husband and now being alone is difficult and then on top of it having contracted herpes so I'm feeling sorry for myself. But I guess there are worse things in life and I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a nice job that I have two beautiful grandchildren and daughter I go to work so its not that bad thanks for listening to me I appreciate it.

joancharlotte:

I'm going to say it again. 80% of people have Herpes. In your age bracket that number is probably much higher ... that number is for ages up to 49. So no, PLEASE don't think it's ok to take the anti-virals and not tell a partner.

Yes - they guy left because you were not honest with him. Can you blame him? Now, he was also a jerk in the way he did it, but I can tell you, I am VERY straight with new partners and tell them that if I catch them in a lie early on it's very likely I will walk because I wonder how often they will lie rather than deal with something that might be unpleasant or awkward, and I don't want that guy in my life. If you want a relationship based on honesty and trust, YOU have to make sure you are 100% in integrity in that area :)

And I hear you about being alone. My 85 yr old father was married 45 years when my mother died. He couldn't wait to get married again and THANKFULLY he found a good woman who he has had 12 good years with..but she has Alzheimers and had to be put in a unit and my father has NO IDEA how to live on his own and is already saying he will have to find another woman when his wife passes....I'm having to coach him in how to live on his own!

Use this time to learn how to be on your own. Get some female friends and schedule a dinner night or a movie night with them. Find an interest or a passion and then find a group where you can share it with them ( www.Meetup.com is a great place for that - they have everything from Knitting groups to hard-core hiker groups on there). Spend more time with those grandkids! Spend more time getting to know YOU!

Don't rush out to get into a relationship because you don't know how to be alone. That is how you got here my dear! Herpes is the universes' way of telling you to slow down and get in touch with JoanCharlotte ... listen to it and the man of your your dreams will likely walk into your life ;)

(((HUGS)))

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your thoughts and understanding. Thanks for taking the time to tell me what I need to realize. The hunt for picnics that turn into sorry panics.

I like my aloneness. I just don't like being alone.

It really wasn't clear about tell about the herpes or not telling. Now I know if the situation ever comes up again, its best to tell. When I asked if I should tell some professional said tell, and some said don't tell so I took the easy way out by not telling.

I am sad that I made a mistake. it was a painful mistake.

thanks again

I think I am finished with internet dating, I will pursue my love of art.

(((BIG HUGS))) to you Joan and I am sure that when you are ready, Mr Right will appear :)

Dancer I swear I look up to you so much ! I want to be able to coach people just like you do.. You always have the best idea's and best answers. I always take everything in, even if it's not intended for me at all.. You just always make me think! I am pretty sure a lot of people feel this way as well.

Awww... thanks Victoria..... I'm sure you are going to become an awesome advocate for the young Herpes community... you are miles ahead of where I was at your age......

:)

I have another question for you experienced people. Question is I just noticed my mouth on the side of my mouth from the dark red blister small blisters and a white large a blister on the side of my mouth and it's a little painful do you think that's the herpes ones come came out I never had that before the mouth I just noticed it tonight should I go on the antiviral medication I have a prescription filled prescription ready for that what do you think the doctors are out its Friday night. I appreciate it and answer I could call the doctor to see if I should start the medication. However it might just be in a sore in the mouth the away by itself Thank.

It is burning. I think this is something new. I got a startle. My original herpies was only in thegenitals. Do you think it could now show up 5 months later ?

How to treat herpes sores in mouth?

If the sore is on the inside of the mouth it is likely a canker sore (which is not Herpes). If it's on the outside of the mouth it could be Herpes..which means likely you have HSV1...and you may have got it in both places at the same time. If it's not too bothersome I'd leave it and let your body fight it off to make the antibodies..

80% of the population has oral herpes... or coldsores as most call them. You are part of the majority if that's what you have ....

Thanks gor yhe rrply. Much appreciated.

There are so many people out there who will accept H as just being a part of you and not a deal breaker. I was one and am still friends with the guy I contracted it from..he recently has a new partner and I am really happy for him.

When I was on my own I went on the 'no one will want me' roller coaster ride. Well now three years down the track I have been with the most amazing man for a year. And he accepts me too and never even thinks of H.

I love how we can all share on here and how a thread of messages can twist and turn to include everyone. I want to try those f2c condoms!!! have been trying to order some but they aren't available in NZ - was going to cost me $57.00 for 3 ordering them online from the states or Australia. Expensive sex!

lelani

$57......AAAACK!

PM me - we should be able to get some shipped to you for a LOT less - they are about $6.50 for 3 here....

Okay> I am very touched by your acceptance of this man regardless of what baggage he brings!! It brings hope for those of us out there still not married and somewhat on the dating scene! You are a very kind lady. Thank you for sharing this.

But I am confused by something someone said on this discussion: that you know the symptoms of when you are shedding..I mean I know you shed when you have an OB and that comes with tons of symptoms..but I got the impression that this person meant there are symptoms for when you are shedding without a recent OB?? I looked it up online and I haven't been able to find anything on it! you can send me a message to answer if you want so we don't ruin this nice lady's discussion! :)