Lack of Success Stories of Men Disclosing= Greater Difficulty in Finding Partners?

Ever since my diagnosis roughly two weeks ago I've scoured various resources for information and, more importantly at this stage in the healing process, inspiration. My greatest anxieties at this point lie in regards to disclosure and the increased uncertainty of my love life in lieu of H's newly acquainted role in my existence.

I am a 21-year-old male who has spent the majority of his teenage/young adult life in monogamous relationships. My first fling after splitting up with my girlfriend of three years resulted in both an oral and genital infection of HSV-1. The two people I know personally who have H are women, including the person whom transmitted it to me.

I've read many success stories on this forum and similar websites, but I've noticed a somewhat disheartening trend. 99% of the success stories I've read have been posted by women. This isn't to say that they aren't inspiring; I cherish the hope and abatement of loneliness such successes have vicariously allowed me. I suppose my concern is that men aren't quite so lucky in finding supportive H-free partners, perhaps as a result of the modern social constructs of dating? That women, evolutionarily speaking, have a greater proclivity towards choosiness in mates and thus more readily disregard those carrying liabilities? I'm hoping this one is the case: are men simply less likely to share?

Please don't construe these theories as sexist in their underpinnings, and if I've caused offense, please consider it a stumble of ignorance rather than a malicious jab.

I guess the point of this rambling narrative is this: Gentleman, what are your experiences regarding disclosure? Ladies, do you know any men with H in successful, healthy relationships? Would you have dated someone with H prior to your own diagnosis, if you were H free?

Hi @badjuju

When I first let my best friend know about getting HSV2 from the guy I had been seeing she knew an awful lot about herpes..so I prodded her for more info about why she knew so much. Turns out her ex bf had herpes. They were in a 2 year relationship before splitting up (reasons 100% unrelated to H) after finding this out I had a little stalk of his fb and as they had been broken up for a few years his fb told me he was again in a relationship with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous girl! Theres no doubt in my mind he would have also disclosed to his new gf as that's his character :) Also my best friend is H- as far as she is aware but I'm obv not aware if his new gf is or not. He was also about your age when he got it and is now close to 30 so please don't think you won't find anyone amazing because you will :)

I thought there was a guy on this forum grensville or sthng like that who had amazing success stories.

Don't be down. I have oral and genital hsv1 too. Te only reason why there are not as many male stories on here is IMO males tend to keep their feelings in and even though we women want them to be vulnerable, some men find it hard. So I would suspect there are lots of male success stories just they choose not to post.

Hang in there, you will get there!

Hey there BadJuju!

Check out this post:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1716/a-question-for-men-with-herpes/p1

@badjuju

Hello and Welcome!

I suppose my concern is that men aren't quite so lucky in finding supportive H-free partners, perhaps as a result of the modern social constructs of dating? That women, evolutionarily speaking, have a greater proclivity towards choosiness in mates and thus more readily disregard those carrying liabilities? I'm hoping this one is the case: are men simply less likely to share?

There is a simple reason you see fewer Success Stories from men .. Several actually..

1) Women are FAR more likely to have Herpes than men

Women: 20.9% of women have genital herpes

Men: 11.5% of men have genital herpes

So there will correspondingly be only half the amount of men available to comment than women...

and

2) Women are FAR more likely to come to a forum AND to comment/share stories.

If you look at the numbers of who happens to be commenting at any time, I'd say we have a 10:1 ratio (guesstimate) at any time on here of women to men making inquiries/comments. (so yes - men ARE less likely to share ;) )

And finally - women are FAR more likely to be vulnerable and take the risk of rejection than men are through the disclosure process ... men are more likely to withdraw, and to be very cautious about risking anything that may put a dent in their ego/manhood (I teach dance and I see a similar behavior in the studio ... women will be more likely to "risk" coming to a dance while they are learning the dance even though they feel that they don't know what they are doing ... Men are more likely to want to wait until they feel that they "know what they are doing" so that they won't be "judged" by the follows who they feel are "better" than them ... it's an interesting study on the sexes every time I walk into the studio... I generally have to nurse the guys along more when it comes to getting them out to dance and take risks than women while they are in the beginner phase ;) )

That said, I can point you to a few of our Male Success stories:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12 male to female rainyfeather

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4879/when-to-disclose male to female success

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5369/well-that-was-a-mess-but-success Male to female

(((HUGS)))

Thank you, I appreciate all the feedback and the links and I'll be sure to read them after class today. I knew women were more likely to contract H but I didn't realize the discrepancy was that great. I'd really like to meet more people with H in my community but unfortunately, living in Nebraska (though the second largest city) I doubt anyone on this site lives in the state and unfortunately we're one of the few without any advertised support groups whatsoever. Perhaps I should make a new thread about this, but do a lot of you know others with H personally? How did you meet/ find out?

Honey - there's people from all over the globe on here :) have you put a post on the pinned discussion on the top about H buddies?

And here's 3 groups in Nebraska ... all in Omaha but if that doesn't work they may know a group where you live ;)

Omaha Help Planned Parenthood

Board Room, East Door, 4610 Dodge Street Omaha, NE 68132

Ph: (402)554-1045

Brookside Church

East Entrance, 11607 M Circle, Omaha Nebraska 68137

Ph: (402) 895-1484

Web: www.brooksidechurch.org

email: yoshi2me@cox.net

Omaha / CB H friends

http://www.meetup.com/Omaha-CB-H-friends/

HSV2+ for a a little over a year now and so far I've disclosed twice. I really do think it might be harder for us guys because I do think girls are surely more picky. Thanks to this forum both of my disclosures went really well. The first disclosure was SO TOUGH and we dated for a little bit after, never had sex and then she faded out. No distaste on my part, I get it. But a bit of a shaky start. The second time things moved way quicker than I expected and I had to disclose without the planning and mental prep I had before lol luckily my past experience and rejection made for a more calm and confident monologue. I was honestly not expecting to be accepted, but to my surprise she did. So far shes still around and I can only imagine she must think I'm worth the risk.

I totally agree with Dancer, statistics and our reluctance to ask for directions ;)

Several years ago (before I picked up hsv) an ex partner was diagnosed with hsv2. We dealt with it as a couple and it really didn't hinder our relationship. We saw an infectious disease specialist together and researched the best ways to keep me safe. After we parted ways he had the western blot and it turned out he had two false positive tests. But either way, he was open with me and I didn't see hsv as a big deal. I cared too much for him as a person. And a lot of other women would for the right guy :)

@badjuju

Hey there - I felt the same way about success stories here. I'm male, and have HSV1 and have no idea where it is (asymptomatic). I was diagnosed this year and have felt really lost. I started developing a relationship with a woman and we decided to take it slow, and spent over 2 months just getting to know each other without sex. Because I'm petrified of where I have it, I haven't even kissed her yet(!). Just this week we finally had the 'here's my status' talk and I told her my story. That I tested positive and have never had a visual sore. Because of that, I can't tell her if I have it genitally, orally, or heck, on my neck, my face, my chest..

I cried, she cried, and there was a lot of deep emotion that I don't want to get into but bottom line is she said to me that she feels so much closer to me now as a result - and I do with her as well.

Disclosing was really hard, but the hardest part was for me to accept that this is my new life, and that it's not a bad one. I love so much more deeply than I ever have in my life. I've made myself vulnerable more than I ever would have allowed myself because of H. And it feels good.

Granted it won't always be success disclosure. I had to mentally prepare myself for her to say she didn't want to continue, and I had told myself beforehand that it would be OK.

You can certainly do some gauging ahead of time. Have meaningful talks with your love interests beforehand. Find out how they feel about people, life, goals, opinions. You'll see that if they're narrow minded that it may be a red flag. And you'll also find that the physical beauty is nice, but you'll have new eyes to its importance (at least I did). I think I read a post on here before about good questions to ask to gauge how your potential partner might react - sorry I don't recall the link...

I can't describe the love, devotion, and respect I have for this woman after disclosing. It takes an amazing person to see past things like H. And it just makes the bond so much stronger. It can happen - I'm just an ordinary guy - I'm in my 30s, I'm balding, I'm not a muscle stud - and I stumbled blindly through this in less than 6 months of being positive. You can do it, but accepting myself with H was the key.

This is a old discussion that might help add to this stream. Not sure if I referenced the link properly! @WCSDancer2010 help if I didn't please! :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1716/a-question-for-men-with-herpes#latest

You got it @fitgirl but Adrial had beat you to it up above :)

Ha! Crap :) didn't see that! I'm much better with words than technology! Thanks ;)