Seeking Advice about Being Supportive for a Friend Who Recently Learned that She Is HSV+

Monday, a good friend learned that she tested positive for HSV-1 and HSV-2. Her boyfriend of one year recently disclosed that he is positive, which was why she had herself tested. Needless to say, she is upset, angry and confused.

She showed me the report. From what I have read, unless my memory is incorrect the numbers were inconclusive, i.e. equivocal and low positive. I cautiously told her my opinion and suggested that she be retested four months from her previous possible exposure.

She has never had an external outbreak, but she has experienced unusual pain during intercourse, which she now concludes wasn't like that from a yeast infection.

I told her about this site and other related sites, and she has thankfully explored in that direction, though I don't know if she has been here specifically.

She seems to appreciate the support and advice that I have given her.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to be supportive for my friend?

Wow, you sound like a wonderful friend to have :) I would say that you can continue to give her words of encouragement and listen when she needs someone to talk to.

This website is honestly my favorite. The energy is very positive and uplifting. There is great information and encouraging messages. Definitely get her here.

My advice is to be yourself because you sound like an amazing friend :)

@Anna01

Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for your encouragement. I agree that this is a wonderfully supportive community, which was why I recommended it to her. I'll give her another nudge in this direction. :)

My memory was incorrect. Her HSV-2 count was high.

I was seeing what I wanted to see.

:(

@Jacomo Oh man...that stinks BUT she will be OK :) Mine is high as well. Positive for both actually. I just found out a couple of weeks ago. Scary but manageable. Trust me she will be OK. It will be a rocky road but what road in life isn't? Keep showing her support. She is lucky to have you. Simply caring is so helpful. I am sure she is grateful. When I told my sister I tested positive, later that day I was googling everything about this. I mentioned some factoid to her and she was like "Oh yea, I saw that too" as she was looking at her phone. She was googling it too! It made me feel SO good that she was researching....she cared. That is priceless. So keep caring :)

@Anna01 Thank you for your kind words.

Yesterday, I went to help her with some heavy lifting, and she and I spent the afternoon together and talked about it. I'm the only one she has told. She hasn't even told her boyfriend, who is 180 miles away at their home. She wants to have that conversation with him in person, but she plans to be here for several more weeks.

She is so angry that she wasn't given a choice. Her opinion of him is very low, but she is having difficulty with deciding about the relationship.

It was a conscious effort on my part not to tell her to dump him. There were already trust issues before his late disclosure, but this betrayal is devastating.

I held her, and it comforted her.

Overall, she seems to be coping well. I so wish that I could lift this burden from her.

@Jacomo

First... thank you for being such a great friend and helping her to get informed .. there's so much bad info out there so I'm glad you found us!

So what were her numbers? If they are under 3.5 and she has no definite symptoms then she needs to retest in a few months as asymptomatic people with numbers under that have a 40% chance of a false positive.

As for the BF ...well, while we definitely encourage disclosure, we understand that people are often so ashamed and in fear of being rejected that they make poor choices about telling their partners.... we've had plenty of GOOD people on here make that mistake. So she needs to look at the whole relationship to determine if this is a full deal breaker for her or something they can work through.

Definitely see if you can get her here ... you can start her off with this info 🙂

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

@WCSDancer2010

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. She is such a wonderful person and a great friend. I had no idea that she and I were so close, and this opportunity has brought us much closer.

HSV-1 was .91, and HSV-2 was 9.72. When I looked at the report again I saw .97, so there was a lot of confusion on why they were calling it positive. When I looked at it a third time I finally saw the number that my hope wouldn't let me see.

I can understand the shame and the fear. Though I had that understanding, I had heard too many things for too long about him that affected my opinion of him. I also considered that he neglected to take any precautions and risked my friend's wellbeing. He's not a young adult. He has a background in counseling, but he plays so many games. Of course I'm biased toward her, but I'm looking at the bigger picture, I assure you.

She was headed in the direction of staying in the relationship, but his recent behavior has made her think long and hard about that. He was aware that she planned to be tested. With her delay in revealing the results, we might guess that he has a good idea of the outcome, but his recent behavior doesn't reflect any level of caring.

All of these factors have influenced my opinion of the situation. Of course, it really isn't about me. It's about her and her struggle and her happiness.

Thank you for the pointers.

LOL ... Just because someone is in counseling, doesn't mean they don't play games .. often the most cred up people study/go into therapy in order to try to figure out their stuff .. and "older" people can do some pretty dumb things :)

She's lucky to have a good friend in you... tell her to check out these links about how H can become her Wingman ... it may help her to figure out whether he's someone to keep in her life or not :)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

@WCSDancer2010

I saw the L&O: CI episode, too. I'm not really that surprised about his background as a counselor.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment.