My First Disclosure Story

Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

I would like to preface this by saying that this disclosure story does not necessarily have a ~happy ending~ but I hope that those who read it feel some type of hope and/or empowerment after I talk about my own personal experience.

I was diagnosed with HSV 2 in December 2013 -- not quite sure who gave it to me; not quite sure exactly how long Iʻve had it (at this point it really doesnʻt matter, canʻt change it) -- during the appointment where I got diagnosed my doctor commented on how she could “barely tell” anything was different down there, but swabbed me just to be safe. I got the call a few days later, I had tested positive for herpes and did a blood test follow-up a few weeks later confirming the diagnoses.

Needless to say, I became some what of a relationship/ dating recluse during 2014, anytime I became remotely intimate with someone I would stop things dead in its tracks. Not that I was a recluse in life that year, far from it, I actually have never focused so much on myself and who I am as a person outside of sex. I traveled all over the country for weeks at a time, crossed numerous things off of my bucket list, I really discovered who I am and became more comfortable in my own skin.

Fast forward to this past December 2014 -- a year to the date of my initial dianogses and I meet a wonderful guy, someone I finally feel comfortable enough with that I want to share this part of my life that I keep very close to chest (only a handful of close friends and my mom know about the diagnoses). We met right before the holidays and spent every “important” holiday together: Christmas, New Yearʻs Eve and his birthday -- all the while never having sex or going beyond cuddling and making out. Not that he didnʻt try -- he did attempt a few dates in, but I told him I was not ready and he backed off.

After a few weeks together I just knew I had to say something; I could no longer keep this huge secret on my mind -- but it was my first time ever telling someone and I had no idea what to do and/or say. After reading this, and many other helpful websites, and discussing with friends, I crafted a carefully worded speech to give to him.

One beautiful Sunday morning (after spending the night together cuddling) I asked if he wanted to go for a walk so I could finally disclose to him. We made it to a park bench, I pulled out my phone (as my speech was saved to my email) and I told him I had something relatively serious to discuss with him. I read my speech directly off of my phone word-for-word while he listened and I anxiously awaited a response. He said he appreciated me disclosing to him, and while it was not initially a “deal breaker” he wanted to do his own research and get tested himself. A few days later I sent him an email with a ton of information on herpes (including this website) to give him a place to start in his own research.

The next week of my life was completely agonizing. He would text me to just “shoot the sh*t” but would not address the huge “H” elephant in the room. Towards the end of the first week (post-disclosure) we hung out and I asked what his thoughts were/ if he had any questions. He said that he got tested, was “bummed” to hear about my diagnoses, but wanted to wait until he got his results before making a decision. I told him I appreciated him getting tested, and I respect his process, but that I cannot spend time with him while he awaited the results and to let me know when they came in.

Let me say, patience is definitely not a strong point for me, and my patience had never been tested so much as it was during this time. He said his results would take a “week and a half” and I had never felt so powerless in my life -- until I checked in with him about a week into the week-half and he said he was “too busy” to think about herpes and to research about it. Thatʻs when it clicked. If heʻs not thinking about it that much -- why should I? And from then on, I took my power back: my power back from him, my power back from herpes, and I focused on what was important: me.

At the official week-half point I sent him a quick text to see if he had gotten his results, and he said he was planning on texting me and wanted to see if I wanted to meet up sometime to talk about it.

We met for coffee, he told me he had received his results and they were negative across the board (awesome) -- but because of that, he did not want to put himself at risk by being with me. And while he really likes me as a person and he was “sad” and “disappointed” that this was his choice -- he did not want to put himself at more of a risk than he needed to. He said he wishes he wasnʻt such a “coward” and that Iʻm a “total catch” and will find someone -- but he just knows that right now itʻs not something he can deal with. I told him I was “disappointed” and it was “his loss” but ultimately that “it is [his] choice” and he “has to live with it” but that I know it was the “right choice for [him] to make for himself.”

While I do feel sadness and I do mourn what we had (and what could have been) -- I do ironically feel empowered. This blog discusses a lot about herpes being your “wingman” and I never quite understood what that meant until now. While I think he was (and still is) a great guy -- there were clearly a lot more issues at play here, including his fear of commitment and vulnerability, and if it wanʻt this “issue” (herpes) it would have been something else.

Ultimately, when it really comes down to it, I did the right thing and I took the high road. And while doing the right thing and taking the high road may not always be the easiest (he even said he “wouldnʻt blame me” if the next person I end up with I donʻt disclose to -- to which I replied, “absolutely not” -- I will disclose to EVERY future partner, regardless of circumstance) -- it is the absolute RIGHT thing to do. And I can go to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing and have absolutely no regrets.

And while things did not turn out the way that I had hoped, I definitely learned a little more (from here on out I think Iʻm going to disclose a little sooner -- and I would not have the confidence to do so if I didnʻt do it this first time around), grew a little more comfortable in my own skin (and accepting that herpes is a part of me, not just an extension I can ignore) and also grew more confident in myself as a person.

I know that there is someone out there who will accept me for me, herpes and all, and I hope that anyone out there reading this knows this too. When someone rejects you over herpes, I know itʻs hard to comprehend sometimes, but just know itʻs NOT about YOU and itʻs usually about what you having herpes DOES to the other person -- not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense -- essentially it forces people to get serious and think seriously about sex and relationships, and in this day-and-age of casual dating and a society built upon ignorance and avoidance, thatʻs not an easy thing to do (the guy even said I was forcing him to get “real”).

So now in disclosures Iʻm 0 for 1 (or as my friend says, 0 for 0.5 since he put a ton of thought into it and it was a lot of other factors that contributed to his decision and not the herpes alone). But Iʻm proud to say I have the 1 -- and while I know itʻll still be hard for me to disclose, I know with time itʻll get easier and eventually Iʻll find the “1” who thinks the risk is worth the gain.

So as I said, I know itʻs not the typical ~happy ending~ but I hope it does give hope to people reading this that: (1) yes, you are strong enough to do it, and while it may not be easy just know that, (2) regardless of outcome, you will survive and will be a stronger and better person because of it.

Best of luck to everyone in their future disclosures! :)

PS - Sorry itʻs so long! :)

I'm glad you decided to come and share this with us! I think that this is one of my favorite disclosure stories. Love your outlook and point of view :)

First - well done with your disclosure! Yes, it wasn't the result you wanted but you learned things about him that would have eventually come out ... so better sooner than later, eh?

 

Let me say, patience is definitely not a strong point for me, and my patience had never been tested so much as it was during this time. He said his results would take a “week and a half” and I had never felt so powerless in my life -- until I checked in with him about a week into the week-half and he said he was “too busy” to think about herpes and to research about it. Thatʻs when it clicked. If heʻs not thinking about it that much -- why should I? And from then on, I took my power back: my power back from him, my power back from herpes, and I focused on what was important: me.

You GO girl! Too often we give all our power to the other person in these situations.... waiting, pining, hoping .... rather than seeing that their priorities are not including us ... OR ... they are avoiding facing a reality that life has thrown at them ... which tells you a lot about how they approach the difficult issues in life ;)

While I do feel sadness and I do mourn what we had (and what could have been) -- I do ironically feel empowered. This blog discusses a lot about herpes being your “wingman” and I never quite understood what that meant until now. While I think he was (and still is) a great guy -- there were clearly a lot more issues at play here, including his fear of commitment and vulnerability, and if it wanʻt this “issue” (herpes) it would have been something else.

YES!!! So glad to have this as another example of the Wingman ( I have one other) ... the wingman point of view doesn't mean they are "bad" but you get to see where their priorities are, how they handle tough situations, and whether they are really into YOU or just want to "get into" you ... all things that you may not actually see for MUCH longer in a relationship without having H to force you to have a conversation that makes them, as he said, "get real" about what they want.

I found it funny that he wouldn't blame you for not disclosing next time ... what he doesn't get is he is now back in the dating pool and will be running the risk that the next gal will be too afraid to disclose to him or unaware that she has it ... which sadly happens all the time ... :/

Thank you so much for this share. It's soooo important for people to get that a "rejection" is not about them and that it is very often a blessing in disguise ;)

(((HUGS)))

Love that you are a long time lurker and first time poster. That's so funny, perfect and awesome. You are well on your way to understanding this process and this reality. You have shown an exceptional level of understanding (of yourself and others). Your realistic and positive attitude will lead you to the right relationship. I give you huge credit for being patient and understanding. Sometimes when we as herpes carriers are faced with these realities, we lose sight of what it was like before diagnosis. We also lose perspective at times..... we shouldn't blame others for their choices and their decisions, it doesn't make them bad people, it doesn't make us unlovable. this is just part of life and relationships. We all have reasons for our choices in life, the beauty of it is.....we have the right to our choices. we don't want to be judged, so we should not judge others. At the end of the day, herpes is a gift, a filter. It allows you to find your authentic self and allows you to be more connected with the human spirit. I have had men accept me, love me and not care at all about this silly little virus and with that attitude and positive energy, I guarantee you will have the same. Cuddos

Wow. I really like this…

Don't worry, when the time is right, you will find the "1"…

This a fabulous and insightful post, thank you for sharing! It's so important to remind ourselves not take rejection personally... everyone has a choice, and we can't hold that against them, whether it's herpes or something else. Your strength makes you beautiful, and you should be very proud of how you handled this situation and processed its outcome. One day, someone is going to be so grateful that he let you go. :)

Thank you so much for your kind words, @MMissouri and @In_The_Same_Boat. This site has provided me with a lot of information and support when I really needed it, and I hope that this gives back and gives others reading some form of support too. :)

@WCSDancer2010 Yes, it really does help separating the wheat from the chaff so-to-speak. The hardest/ most ironic part is we had spoken about relationships and he said he was ready for something serious -- yet as soon as something serious came up he bailed. Actions speak louder than words though, right?

I did mention that exact thing to him, and I said that I hope that in the future he talks about STDs before having sex with someone -- whether or not he does, who knows. But I know this whole thing was a learning experience for him and I hope he goes into future sexual relationships smarter and safer.

Also, after I spent some time thinking about it, his assertion that he "wouldnʻt blame me" for not disclosing in the future has a subtext that what I did was shameful or embarrassing. He didnʻt view my actions as respectful, brave or strong -- which is too bad.

I look forward to finding someone who views my disclosing that way, since thatʻs exactly what it is! :)

@fitgirl Thank you! It has taken a lot of time and processing to get to where I currently am (and itʻs still something I wrestle with) but Iʻm becoming more accepting and understanding of my new reality. Yep! It is easy to lose perspective and remember what it was like pre-diagnosis -- I do try to remind myself that not everyone will be as ~open-minded~ to it as others (we all have our dealbreakers, right?), but I love hearing that you were able to find some men that are!

I have always said in a weird way that herpes has been some what of a blessing in disguise and you have just hit the nail in the head as to exactly why it is. I love what you say about "authentic self" -- despite the outcome, I definitely feel much stronger and empowered and even more comfortable in my own skin (which is ironic.. since herpes itself is rather uncomfortable, lol).

@PositivelyBeautiful Thank you for your kind words! :) Rejection has never been something Iʻve been able to handle well -- and having herpes means Iʻm facing one of my greatest fears (the possibility of rejection) head-on. Itʻs definitely shown me that Iʻm a lot stronger and courageous than I ever thought possible, and I am very proud of what I did. :)

--

I do want to say that I hope I didnʻt make anyone feel ashamed if they havenʻt disclosed in the past, or if they waited to disclose until after consummating a relationship. Disclosing is NOT an easy thing to do in the sense that youʻre leaving yourself open and vulnerable -- so the fact that youʻre even thinking about doing it/ in the act of doing it, goes to show your strength and courage to face your fears.

There are a whole lot of people who would rather remain ignorant to their situations (by either not getting tested, or not having important discussions surrounding sex and/or safe sex practices, etc) -- so although ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power -- and power is a great thing to have! :)

I guess when I think about it, I know for me (and for probably most of us on here) getting herpes wasnʻt a choice -- and it was just something we kind of ended up with.

I think if we had a choice in the situation, then maybe we would have handled things differently and/or maybe we would feel different about our diagnosis. Essentially by disclosing we are giving someone a choice in a situation that we did not have; we are showing our respect, care, strength and courage, which are such great character traits to have.

And although I am relatively positive about my circumstance and have a certain level of acceptance when it comes to it -- just know that my feelings come in waves, and I do have moments of sadness, frustration and anger too. I think the key is to know that itʻs completely normal and embrace our feelings as they come. We cannot appreciate the sweet without the sour, nor can there be a rainbow without the rain. :)

Iʻd like to close with a few quotes I especially like:

"I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers the fear." ~Nelson Mandela

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I -- I took the one less travelled by. And that has made all the difference." ~Robert Frost

"She was unstoppable. Not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them." ~Unknown