To disclose through text or face to face?

Hi all, I have been talking w someone for a month, then we'd call it off ans talk again a month later or a few weeks later. So this has been going on for a few months now and he is not the best communicator. He is the type that is quiet and isn't very telling in Hus communication.. It's almost like communicating w a cave man sometimes.. Lol. He is a very hard to read individual and my fear is since we live over an hr from one another, that if I wait to tell him when I go up there to stay, that he'll feel like I "tricked" him or feel trapped in some way. I mentioned meeting in the middle for a weekend and hanging out, but he didn't want to do that and wanted me to come and stay w him. I felt in the beginning he would have accepted it, but now that things have been strained w us and this could likely just be sex and not turn into anything more, he might not be as willing to take the risk. He's quite the intimidating man, so I'm really scared of his possible reaction. Obviously, I am terrified of rejection as everyone is and I'm the one who really caused us to end where we are, because I was self sabotaging things from the start out of fear...

So now that you have a back story, I wanted to see what everyone thought of me just sending the slide w the transmission pie chart to him and waiting to see his response? Thoughts?

I wouldn't just send a slide for sure, but I guess you mean after a brief story? You seem to have reservations about him already , so there's a third option where you don't have to tell him at all and don't take it further. Of the first two options though, I'd say it's worth the trip to say it face to face.

Well I mention the text or maybe a phone situation, , because men are different than women w how they process things.. I don't want to put either of us in this strange and awkward predicament and me feeling like I should leave because he's not OK w it or him nor wanting to look like an asshole and let me stay. Either way, I don't want to deal w that dreaded drive home after a rejection. At least if I get rejected over the phone, I can sit here, stuff my face w food therapy and watch reality trash.

So when you say brief story, how do you mean? What do you think I should start off w? I feel like this is like giving a presentation.. Lol

@positivelybeautiful has some good advice for long distance disclosures. Perhaps check out her threads

Personally, if you don't have enough confidence to deal with a rejection from someone who sounds like you are already having issue with then I would just call it off. If you can get yourself to a place that you just don't care either way about how he replies (and you totally get that his reaction will tell you if he's worth the effort anyway!) then perhaps he'd be a good person to practice on if nothing else.

In my experience, if you are confident about your status the majority of people at the very least will be kind ... and most potential partners will at least get educated. AND it's ok (and NOT personal) if they choose to move on because that tells you that they just can't deal with the LOW risk of getting it (which to me tells me they may not be good with other risks/germ issues/etc/..... and likely just not a good fit for *me* anyway) ... I just take it that the universe is telling me to keep looking :)

And I wouldn't do it in a text with this guy - because he sounds like the kind that could go silent for awhile and you may take it as rejection. and honey, if YOU are going to HIM, if he isn't ok with it YOU can leave ... so he's not "trapped". That said, again in my experience, if he's not willing to meet you half way, I would be careful that he's not just looking for easy sex anyway (which is ok if that's what you want.. just be aware of it). I FINALLY got it in the last year or so that if a man wants ME enough, I won't be able to stop him from going out of his way to make it happen :)

Hahaha .. I laughed reading your post @WCSDancer2010 , cause I was kind of thinking that maybe it wouldn't be a bad practice. Outside of you and Adrial, isn't it normal for most to feel scared of rejection? I am kind of trying to figure out of I am OK w it just being casual sex or not, as I've not ever been big on that. I did care about him, but I feel myself shut down to him now. I'm not for sure going to do this, but I wanted to be prepared and heed all the advice I can get. I did ask myself earlier if casual sex was good for me being my first time in awhile and after having herpes. I feel like I'm going to need compassion and empathy.

You are correct about leaving, but I guess I had intended on using liquid courage if I were to disclose in person, hence not wanting either one to feel trapped! Hahaha... Bad I know.

OF COURSE it's natural to feel "bad" about rejection! It's a very primitive response in ALL group/herd animals because in times past we relied on numbers to keep us alive. We NEEDED to be accepted in the group to survive. Many groups use the leverage of the potential of "rejection" to keep people from leaving the group - the Amish, for instance, "Shun" you - so you lose all contact with everything you have known and loved and needed - if you don't tow their religious line. Gangs offer "protection" to you if you are "Accepted" ... which is why kids from dysfunctional homes flock to them. So yes, the fear/reaction to the potential of rejection is VERY normal... AND ... you can learn to overcome that fear once you REALLY get it that this reaction is no longer serving you.

We have a bunch of conversations/links about rejection that may help you to start your journey towards living a fear-free life ... I'll post them below. But the bottom line is: Rejection has nothing to do with YOUR self worth. It's just that you are not fitting in with what that other person/group WANTS YOU TO BE. It is all about their PERCEIVED needs and wants and there is NOTHING WRONG with not fitting that mold.

I dance competitively and although I told myself early on that I was doing it for fun, for the first few years when I didn't make finals (which was 99% of the time ... I'm in my 50's and competing against girls in their 20's) it would wreck my night and I took it VERY personally because I was working so hard to get better. It took several years of competing (and a lot of personal growth work) to "get" it that whatever I was doing in the roughly 10 seconds of the time they saw me (because we can have 30-40 couples on the floor at once) was not what those particular judges wanted to see.... and all *I* could control was to continue to work to get better for ME ... and when I stopped caring about making finals and started working towards finding MY dance, I started making finals. And I believe that a HUGE part of that was that I started to believe in myself and MY dance enough for the judges to start believing in me too.

And none of that upset and fear of rejection in my dancing had ANYTHING to do with Herpes! But the lesson is the same. When you value and believe in YOURSELF enough, people will overlook the imperfections and flaws (including Herpes) that we ALL have and they will "pick you" because they pick up on your confidence and inner beauty ... ;)

(((HUGS)))

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

And another perspective is to allow Herpes to be your Wingman ... ;)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

Heya, I have done a lot of distance dating (not anymore, happily dating someone now who is totally ok with my herpes status :) ), so this has been a topic I'm quite familiar with... I think you really need to understand what it is you want... If you are looking for a relationship, something tells me this guy might not be it... the fact that he intimidates you concerns me for you. Also, as Dancer said, when a guy is really into you, they will move mountains to be with you... That said, I can understand the guilt part, of not wanting to allow them to invest too much, or make significant efforts, before you tell them... but honestly, your worth and what you deserve from someone doesn't change at all after herpes... a man you are dating should move mountains for you, no matter what, and even if he is not willing to assume the risk after disclosure, he should still remain compassionate, and understand why it might have been difficult for you to share that information. If he doesn't, or if he runs after disclosure, consider that a blessing in disguise. Now, concerning how to tell him... I think face to face would be ideal... and maybe insists on him meeting you half way. If he really wanted to see you, he would do it. And then it gives you the opportunity to at least have that conversation in person, without overextending yourself either. Dancer is right, in that, if you go, you can choose to leave if things get awkward... but if he doesn't want to meet you half way, that would stand out to me, and I would question his level of seriousness. Again, if you want casual, that's another story... but based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you do. The other option is over skype... kinda of how my disclosure happened, but it was completely unplanned. I wanted to do face to face, because I wanted him to see my vulnerability...but it came up in conversation from a distance and so I told him. He still got to see me and I still got to see him, and it worked out really well for me. However, had it gone badly, at least I would have been in my own space to process and deal with the emotional aftermath. In hindsight, it was a good option. Others here had suggested skyping first to tell him I had something important to say and that I would send it in a letter/email... and then sending the email... that is a balance if you are intimidated, to tell him that you something he needs to know, but then put it all down on paper for him to read. He can take his time to process etc, and then get in touch with you when he is ready. I think ultimately, what it all comes down to, is figure out what you want from this guy, as in casual vs serious, and then trust your gut instincts. Put yourself first and do what feels right. Hope this helps a bit... good luck and keep us posted!!

@WCSDancer2010 thanks so much! So he and I had a lot of talking last night regarding sexual health status and the state of our "relationship" and what has gone wrong. We both are very guarded people and once we feel threatened that pourur inner child is goinggoing to be injured, we become very protective and we start projecting on one another.

I approached the STD discussion last night and he got mad at me and said we already had that convo, butexaminedot remember it. I'm still skeptical about if we hadhad that convo, but even if we didsis, I don't see why he couldn't answer yes or no to if he's had a full panel w herpes done since his last sexual relations. He took it like I thought he was dirty and slept around, so I asked if he thinks that only dirty people who sleep around get STDs, he said no. He also said that he takes precautions and is selective. I asked if his precautions were condoms, because those didn't provide protection completely for herpes or HPV and I asked of he thought he could tell what someone looked like that has an std, he responded no. I know I am awful on this approach to discuss STDs and it can make a guy feel overwhelmed when I ask such direct questions and feel like they're being cross examined in court. To me, I got my answer, which is a big fat no. He also felt that trading paper results was sucking the romance out of it. I said well catching something sucks the romance out of things and I was just trying to protect us both and wanted to practice safe sex. I was kind of almost there to disclose and then it kind of went back to us.

I feel that I am closer, I think I want to see how the next conversation goes and that will depend on if I want to disclose or not. When I was so close last night, I felt sick to my stomach.

I won't lie, that I ended up having some feelings of guilt come up, things that @whitedaisies struggles w and I'm great at giving advice, but not taking it myself. I think for me is he is older than me and he really wants to find someone he spends the rest of his life w and I fear if it doesn't work out, I give him something and now he has something that makes dating that much harder. Then again based on statistics, women his age to 50 are at 40% infected w genital herpes I think? 40-50 ? 44-50?

I also question logistics of sex w herpes. So do I need to brief him on not to touch his face if he's touched me down there and not to touch himself after touching me? I just feel like it takes all the sexieness out of it, especially when I have to explain everything else. I also decided that I was going to tey and go the female condom route, to be safer. Life, love and relationships is hard as is and is so much more complicated having herpes it feels like. :-(

Well I have always allowed for finger foreplay without disclosure. I have had a few bfs touch me and touch themselves and I haven't heard anything back so I assume I haven't given th anything. 2 out of the 3 men would have told me so unless they had it already....I will never know. But I would say random touching is safe and I wouldn't worry about that. Worry about any rubbing of genitals Etx and that's the most risky.

I won't comment on disclosure or not as there is a lot of great advice already given.

I really thought I would opt for the underwear condom route as I was so hung up on transmission BuT I didn't. So I know it's harder for people like us who have lots of symptoms to get really obsessive about protection. It is totally natural and really quite admirable. However good sex needs the woman to be relaxed and the more barriers you put up the harder it is to forget and enjoy. I really surprised myself how I was able to be free in the moment.

I wish that for you too.

Hugs

I approached the STD discussion last night and he got mad at me and said we already had that convo, butexaminedot remember it. I'm still skeptical about if we hadhad that convo, but even if we didsis, I don't see why he couldn't answer yes or no to if he's had a full panel w herpes done since his last sexual relations. He took it like I thought he was dirty and slept around, so I asked if he thinks that only dirty people who sleep around get STDs, he said no. He also said that he takes precautions and is selective. I asked if his precautions were condoms, because those didn't provide protection completely for herpes or HPV and I asked of he thought he could tell what someone looked like that has an std, he responded no. I know I am awful on this approach to discuss STDs and it can make a guy feel overwhelmed when I ask such direct questions and feel like they're being cross examined in court. To me, I got my answer, which is a big fat no. He also felt that trading paper results was sucking the romance out of it. I said well catching something sucks the romance out of things and I was just trying to protect us both and wanted to practice safe sex. I was kind of almost there to disclose and then it kind of went back to us.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER! DANGER!!!

Honey - sorry but this guy is sounding to me like he's not going to even be a good "practice" for you. You had a conversation about why you are bickering already and realized that it's because you are both guarded and then he immediately got upset with you when you are trying to have an ADULT conversation with him about both of your sexual health. He's taking EVERYTHING personally and he says he's "selective" so that tells you that odds are he at least "believes" he's never been exposed to anything ... BUT ... if he won't trade STD results, there's no way he will know ... so that's just showing his arrogance around what he "believes" he knows about STD's ... and his insecurity around relationships in general.

I strongly suggest you take a few days, and REALLY look at your HEART about this. Are you just hanging on because you believe you found someone that likes you and you will never find another like him? And if you think this guy is going to change, you are WRONG friend! At least, not until he gets help from a professional or at least starts to do some deep personal growth work.

I just don't want you to disclose and get hurt by a guy who is already acting like an ass when you are trying to have a responsible conversation with him..... so please... sit - meditate - let your heart tell you what you need to do. And then just do it .... and trust that the outcome is EXACTLY as it should be :)

(((HUGS)))

@WCSDancer2010 I know, I told him that it was very discerning to me that he doesn't have these conversations. He said it just made him mad cause I said the convo never took place and it did. I do have short term memory issues from my autoimmune disorders, so I don't know, but I doubt it.

He nailed it on the head, he absolutely does take everything personal and I showed him by example like this, as he thinks I'm attacking his personal character. Me: I wanted to have a talk about STDs and safe sex. Him: you're calling me a dirty whore. When he saw it in black and white like that, he realized I was right and that's how we came to discuss how he's come to this place and how I have hurt him and deliberately at times (which was true. Because I couldn't get reactions from him or responses, so it hurt, so I hurt him back) and I said I wasn't OK w how things have been and how angry he was gotten and it HAS to change. I guess I'm extremely empathetic ans compassionate towards him, because coming up the way I did ans the things I've been through, I know that he is operating at a place of hurt and that once you get people like that (me) in their sweet spot of not feeling threatened and can trust you, they turn into different people. It is hard to reject someone that you see yourself in, because it is in a sense rejecting yourself. If that makes sense.

Thanks guys for all your advice.. Means a lot.

Hugz

I totally agree. In my opinion to disclose through texting is hiding. OWN IT because you are fabulous! If you are rejected at least you were real and vulnerable enough to put it out there genuinely! Whomever is on the other side of the disclosure is really going to respect you. And as many have said you know when the moment is right and only you. There should be some level of caring and trust before you disclose. You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are! Now go and rock it!

Awww!! Thanks @Peggy !! That was sweet and I will definitely keep you all abreast on status.

I guess I'm extremely empathetic ans compassionate towards him, because coming up the way I did ans the things I've been through, I know that he is operating at a place of hurt and that once you get people like that (me) in their sweet spot of not feeling threatened and can trust you, they turn into different people. It is hard to reject someone that you see yourself in, because it is in a sense rejecting yourself. If that makes sense.

Sorry but this sounds like a toxic relationship to me because you continue to defend his actions and it sounds like you think that if you can get him to *trust* you, he will change, that YOU can help him to change. He sounds like he's pretty damaged and isn't in a good place to be in a relationship .. and I'd be very afraid that you might lose YOURSELF trying to "save" him...because as you admitted yourself, you are struggling with many insecurities yourself.

Please... think really long and hard about whether this relationship is healthy for you. I get it that you may feel responsible if you walk away and "hurt" him but you are NOT responsible for his happiness and HE has to get that HE has to do a lot of work if he is going to be in a healthy place to be in a relationship.

Until he gets it that he has to stop turning everything into a personal affront, he's going to lash out and hurt you. And from what I'm hearing from you, you need to work on yourself so that when someone behaves like that, it bounces off of you because you truly get it to your deepest core that it's not about YOU when people are like that....

(((HUGS)))

Omg that is exactly where I was.

Run girl run!!!!

Nothing but bad is going to come from this and unfortunately it will leave you hurting.

I know guys... I've already thought all that. I am just as f*cked up as he is, so who am I to judge. In all honesty, it will turn into nothing and I know that. I think we are just entertaining each other right now, because it helps w not feeling so alone. I appreciate all the honest advice.

Ok.

U dont have to judge to know it's not a good situation for you

Just bc he has been thru hurt does not mean he can hurt u. Just bc u understand his hurt doesn't mean u hve to live with the ways he chooses to deal with it.

Being lonely is better. Trust me

I learned the hard way. I hope you don't have too

Good luck

I have learned the hard way. Like I said, nothing will come of this and if anything does, it would be a fling possibly...

Hoping good things for u

Xo

Hahaha! You guys are hilarious, but thank you so much!

Yup.. Great article! That was hands down w out a doubt my last relationship. I am very aware that I do things stated in that article... I just feel I'm always that peton "who is not worth that trouble" and I don't want anyone to view me that way and it is hard to do that to someone, when I am a huge part of the problem too. That is why I have been single for so long. I have just completely avoided dating.. Hence going over two yrs no sex and then when I do, I get left w a lovely 33yr old bday present. ;-).

Honey - you are FAR from alone in those beliefs (hence a LOT of money being made by magazines publishing articles like that ;) )

The thing is, a person has to EARN your trust and love ... and this guy isn't giving you those signals. And perhaps you are not exactly perfect in this relationship either, but somehow I feel you are at least *trying* to learn and grow and I'm not sure he's at that point ...

I hope you can get to a place where you can realize that you ARE "worth the trouble" ... you obviously care deeply for others and THAT is a beautiful attribute that I just KNOW will be a HUGE turn-on to the right guy :)

(((HUGS)))