From suicidal to amazingly successful disclosure!

*Super long post alert*

My diagnosis has always been pretty hard on me. The physical side of it wasn't bad, and it was pretty much nonexistent; but mentally I was a wreck. I had dated people after finding out I had H but life got more complicated with family issues so I kind of just went numb and fell into this dark hole. I faked happiness before but this time I shut people out, no longer felt like my former fun self, and had frequent anxiety attacks. But one day (after encouragement from my therapist) I decided this isn't what I wanted my life to be like so I decided to get back in the dating scene. I figured because I'm a somewhat attractive person, with degrees, a great personality, and a successful career I deserve to have the relationship that I was looking for before H.

Fast forward a few months, and I found myself on an H + dating site just to see what was out there. I had read on other posts that these were limiting and removed a lot of your options, but I wanted to give it a try. Ended up chatting with a couple guys. Met a decent guy but we didn't click. Then I met my now ex. The whole relationship was awful. He started out nice but quickly manipulated me and didn't treat how I deserved to be treated. And to make matters worse, even he was scared to touch me. Sex was very clinical and he insisted on scrubbing down immediately after; even though we both had the EXACT SAME THING. It was very frustrating and ruined what little self esteem I had left. I stuck around a lot longer than I should have, thinking that this was it, this was the best I was going to get. If this guy was terrified to touch me, why on earth would an H - person want to ever have normal sex with me. But eventually I realized enough was enough and I got out of that relationship. Ending it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I convinced myself that I loved this man and could put up with whatever just to not be alone. I was hurting for a long time and driving myself crazy trying to figure out if there was something I could have done differently to make the relationship better. I fell back into that same dark hole, but this time it was deeper. I felt I would be alone forever. I was in a permanent fog. The depression was overwhelming and I got so tired of feeling like that every day I started thinking about just ending it for good just to make it all stop. I scared myself with how serious those thoughts got and I started going back to therapy more frequently.

Fast forward to now. I met an amazing guy through mutual friends...the only problem was he was deployed. I even told my therapist about him and how I can't possibly entertain the idea of liking him because of H and she basically told me to go for it, H is a non issue if you don't make it one. So me and this guy decided to continue communicating as pen pals. This was the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful, hot, smart, funny, man I've ever met. He truly has a heart of gold. We clicked instantly and talk just about all day, everyday. But H was always on the back of my mind. I struggled with when I should tell him because I didn't want to seem like I was leading him on or deceiving him. I had even convinced myself to wait until him was back because who knows what'll actually happen by then. However, we had been chatting for around 4 months when conversations started getting a little more serious about possibly being in a relationship when he got back. We had talked about some pretty deep stuff before so I felt like I could trust and be vulnerable with him. And now I actually really wanted to tell him right away. Part of me thought he would be understanding but then another part of me thought that he would never been mean about it but the rejection was inevitable.

So yesterday, I decided it was now or 4 months from now. I didn't want to stress over it any longer. I needed to rip off the band aid. I figured the middle of the week would be perfect, so if he rejected me I could just drown myself in work the next day and hopefully not think about it. So last night after reading through numerous success stories to get my confidence up, I typed out a really long message explaining how much I cared about him, what H was like for me, transmission rate, and even let him know I understood if he never wanted to talk to me again. I almost talked myself out of sending it when I accidentally hit enter instead of backspace. F*** was all I could think but also oh well it's out there now. So I sat on my couch for about an hour, emotions shifting between laughing at this mistake and crying because I was so unsure about what he would think. Then I get his response. He said that it didn't bother him at all. He's still interested in me and a relationship and great sex lol. He said he was really impressed that I had the courage to tell him and that it spoke volumes about my character. H didn't scare him and he actually researched it a lot before because his ex thought she had it. So he knew all about it and said he figured about 80% of the population had a strain of something so it's not a big deal. He asked if oral from him was still on the table lol. And followed up with I'm more than worth the risk.

I was giddy all night lol! This disclosure was more than I could have ever hoped for. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so glad I told him now, because it already feels like we've gotten much closer (well however close you can be 5k miles apart lol). He'll still be gone for a while but I'm looking forward to whatever future we may have.

H seems like a scary thing but it's nothing to take your life over. It can be such a minor part of your life it you don't let it control you. I finally agree with Adrial that this can be an opportunity. I helped me mature as a person and figure out what I want and deserve in life.

I hope this offers a little ray of hope to whoever is out there struggling with H and disclosure. To the right person, it won't matter.

Woot Woot!! What an awesome story and thanks for sharing! I hope things work out for you two!!

Great success story!

So inspirational. Needed that right now.

I needed that but I’m so scared of falling off the deep end and killing myself.

@Llittles I am with you. I got to get a grip or I think I am going to kill myself. This is too much.

@Llittles and @mstanya1234 Your mind can be your own worst enemy. It will definitely get better, I'm not sure of your back stories but I've learned that HSV is not worth killing yourself. Disclosures are scary but you are still the same person you were before and someone will understand and accept this minor condition. I don't even know if it should be called a condition, it's barely a blip on most people's radar. I'll be honest I still have bad days and struggle with the negative thoughts but it helps to find things that will clear your head. Or even talking about it can help; luckily HSV has brought you to a community that is knowledgeable, understanding, and willing to listen.

@whatnow17 thanks for the advice. I’m taking it a day at a time.

@whatnow17. Thanks, last night I did sleep better but thats the first thing that crosses my mind every morning when I wake up. I look at my 7 year old and pray I didnt get it to him because when he was younger, I use to bath him with me.

That's amazing! thanks so much for sharing!

thanks for the story... picked my chin right up.

@mstanya1234 I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I'm also not an expert, but I think your son is okay. I don't think HSV passes through water. If it did everyone that shared a pool or hot tub would get it. But you might want to post that question on another board; there are a few people here that can offer advice and information with statistics.

Rock Star and your therapist is right on.... everything in life is what we make it. And to allow others the same option is pure beauty.

Well done and congrats!!!!! Goosebumps for you :)

People are awesome, congrats! It's quite amazing when you see some people won't mind. Texting is very helpful.