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Seeking hope after rejection from disclosure


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Hi everyone - First of all, I am so grateful to have a place to reach out to other people who have herpes and share experiences. Thanks to everyone who participates on these boards!

 

I'm 30 and I've have had herpes for 4 years now, and I didn't date at all for three years after diagnosis because I felt so unwanted, isolated, and unattractive that I was sure I'd never be successful in finding someone who accepted this as a part of me. I did a lot of healing and work on myself in that time, and was lucky to have met a guy who made me want to try to date again. That was a successful disclosure - he was understanding and said he would be willing to take the risk. I was relieved that he accepted me, but he turned out to be on a different level emotionally and we weren't very compatible in the end.

 

Anywho, fast forward to the reason I am here today. I have been trying aggressively to meet someone I connected with. After 9 months of online dating and lots of frustration, I finally met someone who I really really liked. He was really sweet and caring, intelligent, fun to be with, responsible, family-oriented - finally, someone in my league who I had chemistry with! Every date we went on, we grew closer and liked each other more and more. After about a month of dating, he had started dropping hints that he wanted to get more intimate, and I knew I had to open up and be honest with him about my hsv2 diagnosis before we could take it any further. So, one night while he was over and we were cuddling I asked him if he could see us really going somewhere, and his response was "definitely". So I told him, and followed all the right protocols for disclosure. I told him that it's actually a really minor issue for me as I have no symptoms, I'm already on medicines to reduce transmission, with the right precautions the likelihood of passing it on is minor but it's possible, and that it's very common with 1 in 5 women having it. I asked him to think about it and do some research on it as well to be educated about it, and to let me know his decision - that it could be a deal breaker for him, or we could have a perfectly healthy, happy relationship and work through it. He said he would think about it and we cuddled and made out for another hour and a half before he left. The next day we texted like normal with kissy faces and flirting, and then the day after he texted me to break it off. It felt totally out of the blue and was a big shock. He said that he really likes me, and as much as he doesn't want it to be an issue, it is. He said that I would find someone better than him and I deserve it. (Gee, thanks.)

 

I am really, truly, very hurt by this. It was only my second time disclosing to someone, and my first time being rejected for my condition. It really sucks that things were going so well, and this was literally the ONLY issue. We connected on every other level, but he couldn't deal with this. I also feel really angry with him for not seeing that I am so worth being with, and this is not that big of an issue when it is SO hard to find a connection the way that we did. I feel like he's stupid for walking away from something that could have been amazing over something so manageable. On the flip side, I understand because I would walk away from having H if I could. But frankly, it makes it easier to get over the pain if I can just call him a big huge jerk. We weren't together very long, but it still really hurts that H was the ONLY reason we aren't together right now. I keep trying to think of all the "less than ideal" things about the relationship, but I can't find many, and that makes it harder to get over the rejection. I really feel like I suffered a loss here.

 

And I realize that I'm going to have such a hard time finding a partner because of H. Now that I'm back to the drawing board with trying to find someone, I worry about my prospects for finding someone with chemistry AND who accepts H as part of me.

 

I feel myself feeling all those feelings from after diagnosis again - feeling dirty, unwanted, isolated, hopeless, like I'm going to be single forever and no one will want to be with me. And at the same time, it just doesn't feel fair that I have to deal with this rejection over something I can't control. I know I'm a really great person, and I don't think I deserve to never have love in my life because of this.

 

I'm just really, really hurt. I am trying to get over this, but after a week of talking to friends, crying, and watching Dirty Dancing, I'm still not hurting any less. Any support, insight, reflections on this dude, or hope for the future would be really helpful. Thanks again to everyone!

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I'm in the same place. I just met someone I liked a lot and disclosed. He said he had to think about it but hasn't texted me in a week. Soooo I'm pretty sure he's not interested. I won't sugar coat it, this is hard. But I've also had several guys who didn't care at all. I know it's hard but I think we just need to keep putting ourselves out there. I really don't know what I would do if I was in his position but I'm hoping the next guy works out! It is a bummer though, and I feel like I have to try even harder on a date to make the person like me so they won't run when I disclose. Hopefully it gets easier. But know you're not alone. 1/5, right?

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with someone you thought you had a connection with, I myself just went through that with my bf and now he hasn't talked to me in 2 days and said he needed time to think. I just think some people don't have enough information on this and feel scared when they hear herpes. My first disclosure went ok and he was good the next day but this disclosure has been by far my worse. We will have our good days and bad, so don't worry sweetie we are here to support each other.

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Holy crap he waited a month before moving towards intimacy? That's a red flag right there. Are the men in this world losing their fortitude or what. If you were my chick we'd be knocking boots probably on the first night. I'll tell you that long term relationships can come out of that too. Wouldn't bank on it but it's happened with me before.

 

Here's the thing that every sexually active person has to recognize: if you want intimacy in your life in the modern world, herpes will be part of it. This is true regardless of whether or not you have it. The stats are that almost everyone has some form

of herpes. People can either go celibate and not have sex or just accept the pravalence and harmlessness of H.

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  • 3 weeks later...

When i read this, i felt like i could of wrote it. I literally just went through the EXACT same situation with a guy last week. But at least you got an explaination. The guy i dosclosed too acted like it didnt bother him at all. He made me feel so relieved and good about teling him. I actually thought he was insane from his carefree reaction lol the next day we were texting like everhthing was fine and then 2 days later he went GHOST on me. I called.. i txted .. nothing. And still one week later.. nothing. It just sucks because i obviously know why but he totally became such a coward and wasnt up fromt with me about it and now im back to 4 years ago when i got my diagnosis feeing unwanted, humilated, dirty and truly depressed.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I feel compelled to write because I also had a very similar situation this weekend. I've met two previous boyfriends on non-H dating websites and the first was very supportive and great about the diagnosis and the other one, not as comfortable, but dealt with it. I decided to take the risk again. I met who I thought was a very compatible match and we got to know each other fairly well, and then I made the disclosure. He was great in the moment and even said he suspected that I perhaps had it from the way I'd answered one of the OK Cupid questions. Then he got distant and finally texted me that he liked me but just couldn't deal. I'm feeling very angry and hurt, and want to hate him. But that's not really fair either. I know I'd be very wary if I was in his shoes, but I'd like to think that I'm a catch and worth getting to know.

 

This has given me the opportunity to get clear about what works for me and I'm curious what other people here do in the scary world of online dating. What I've learned I guess is that I'm just not willing to take the emotional risk to put myself out there again on a non-H dating website. I admire and respect those who do, but when you're dating amongst strangers it seems like the normal 3-5 dates (for me at least) before intimacy becomes a serious factor just isn't enough time for them to say yes to the whole package. I've found H dating websites to be pretty dismal and I live in a major metropolitan city so I'm just wondering how I'll ever find someone. Any tips?

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I've said it before and I'll say it again- if a guy is going to sleep with you and then ghost over herpes, he's probably not reliable for a long term thing anyway. And that has nothing to do with her herpes as everything to do with his inconsistency and emotional thinking. Truth is anyone who has a clear picture about what herpes is will realize how not a big deal it is. It's only those base their actions off of emotions instead of reality that will reject after knowing the facts.

 

And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is essentially on a par with a child who believes in the bogeyman even though he knows it isn't real?

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I agree with hippyherpy. Don't take this the wrong way, but I believe that most of you here are confused as to why the men are leaving. They are not leaving you because of herpes, they are leaving you because they don't see a long term relationship. Often times people will stay in relationships that they don't see progressing when they have nothing to lose. However, when presented with the possibility of infection (i.e. loss), they will often leave because they don't want to take the risk when they don't see a long term future with the individual.

 

In fact, they are saving you time and effort. They likely would have left anyway. Just think of someone you really loved before the diagnosis. If they had herpes would you really have left them?

 

 

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They are not leaving you because of herpes, they are leaving you because they don't see a long term relationship. Often times people will stay in relationships that they don't see progressing when they have nothing to lose. However, when presented with the possibility of infection (i.e. loss), they will often leave because they don't want to take the risk when they don't see a long term future with the individual.

 

Well said, @Jack101! This is so true and I needed the reminder. I had lunch the other day with Mr. Long Distance, whom I was having a casual but ongoing fling with when I got my diagnosis nearly two years ago. He was in town visiting family, and although I had considered myself over him, it sure brought up a flood of emotions from my initial diagnosis and his reaction of going from super supportive to fading into the woodwork once he tested negative. I just needed to hear this wisdom again!

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Thanks to all three of you who replied. You are right and in hindsight, I think the guy I referred to used herpes as an excuse not to date me. My intuition said that he wasn't the right fit for me either and that he probably saw it before I did. I think the best dating advice for me to follow is really not to date until I'm in a better mindset and ready to stick to my guns about who I like (instead of worrying about the opposite) and be more discriminate about people who are a good fit for me. My best relationships have developed when I'm feeling really good about myself and what I have to offer. The world of online dating can be so fast-paced and it's easy to use it for short-term ego boosts. I need to remember to go slow. It's easy to blame herpes for being rejected, especially when someone tells you it's the reason, but you guys are absolutely right - someone who sees a long-term potential with me, will deal with it (unless it poses a serious health risk to them).

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