Need Advice on Disclosing

I went to see my doctor last week for my yearly physical, and decided it may be a good idea to get tested for any and all sexually transmitted infections, as I had not been tested in over a year. I've known for years that I have HSV-1. I'm pretty sure I got it from my roommate, and long time friend, possibly after sharing drinks or something of that nature. My doctor called me on Monday and informed me that in addition to HSV-1, I now also have HSV-2. I already contacted my last partner, and have mutually established that he was the giver. This week has taken a toll on my emotions. The reality of it comes in waves. One moment I think that I've done my research, and I can get through this. The worst part is the stigma. It's just a nuisance skin virus. It's not the end of the world. Then the anxiety and depression kicks in, and my head is filled with thoughts about how no one will ever want me. I keep thinking about all of the rejection I will have to deal with. I enjoy dating, and I'm not prepared for how this is going to affect my dating life. I consider myself an attractive girl, not to sound conceited, but I never have issues meeting attractive men. I have Tinder, and I am still actively dating and seeing people. There is one person in particular I have been talking to for a few weeks now. I can tell he really likes me, and I would love to see where things go with him. I'm just so afraid of the moment I finally have to sit down and tell him that I have genital herpes. I'm wondering if I should even continue seeing him because we know some of the same people, and I don't know if I can face the humiliation of him rejecting me and possibly sharing that information with people that know me. Then there is another guy I am seeing who is incredibly sweet and seems very mature, and we have so much in common. We've only been on a few dates, but I know that if I didn't have HSV-2, he would probably want to seriously date me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know when to tell them, or what to say, or how to deal with what I feel is inevitable rejection. I've read a lot of successful disclosure stories on here, but I'm scared that I'll never get to tell one of those. I really just need someone to talk to. I'm scared to tell my friends because I feel like they will be supportive, but they won't understand what I am going through. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help feeling like I'm damaged goods now and that no guy I meet will ever be able to really look past this.

I was recently diagnosed and disclosed to my girlfriend immediately, even before I had a chance to get tested. I didn't wait and I'm really glad that I kept her informed about everything from the start. Honesty meant everything to her.

Honesty is important to everyone, especially in relationships.

Absolutely disclose before getting physical.

But I don't think there will ever be a "good" time to bring it up.

Generally, it's reasonable to have 2 or more dates before getting physical. I would think that whenever you would normally be inviting someone to your place is the only good time to have that conversation.

In the past, I have always had the STD, genetic disorder, personality disorder conversation the moment I decided I want to bring someone home. It's always a very clinical conversation and certainly cools the passion, but it is necessary. Don't start it from the perspective that you are hiding anything, start it from the thought that it regards full consent.

Consent should be priority number one all the time.

Ask the question:

Have you ever had an STD, ever been diagnosed with a genetic disorder, or a personality disorder?

Let them answer as long as it takes for them to answer.

Then be honest with them in your own answer.

You might be surprised how many people think they are holding on to a deal breaker.

However you do it, disclose!

Subtle hints, or waiting until you have already made physical contact in amy romantic way isn't fair to the person you are seeing.

Be honest, be fair, get consent.

Those who are right for you will want to talk about it, learn about it and make their own decision.

@dlacinda I have HSV2 and mostly meet people through Tinder. I disclose when it becomes obvious through conversation and chemistry that things may move in a sexual direction. I usually incorporate it into a larger conversation about safe sex expectations. Most people have been fine with it. A couple people disclosed right back to me which was nice.

@Regularguy Thank you so much for your response! I'm really happy to hear that your girlfriend was so supportive and appreciated your honesty. I would definitely never be intimate with someone without first letting them know about my situation. No matter how uncomfortable the conversation will be, I know I have to have it eventually. I'm just so terrified. I hope that it gets easier over time. I guess that would be really helpful actually, to first ask them if they have ever had any experiences with an STD. Then to disclose from there.

@optimist It makes me feel a lot better that you have had positive outcomes from disclosing. How do you normally go about disclosing? Do you do it over text, on the phone, or in person? Which seems to work best for you?

@dlacinda I most often disclose via text during an active text conversation, but I don't think there's just one right way. You'll figure out what's comfortable for you.

The only situation I avoid is disclosing when clothes are coming off because I feel like that would put someone on the spot. However, that's my own concern and I don't judge others who approach disclosure in that way. People with a history of cold sores generally do not agonize about when is the best time to reveal that, so it could be that I am being too sensitive to the stigma of "genital herpes" in feeling like there are appropriate/inappropriate times to disclose. Therefore, I don't judge others who have a different thought process. I just do what feels right for me.

@optimist Yeah, I suppose I will just have to experiment with different ways of disclosing and find out what makes me the most comfortable. I think I would have a hard time with texting about it, but who knows. Maybe that will actually become my preferred way of doing it. This is just all so new to me. I definitely couldn't wait until right when we're about to be intimate either. Not only would that completely ruin the moment, I feel like the other person would definitely feel put on the spot and potentially upset that I waited until that moment to tell them. Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your input with me. I'm so happy I found this forum, I feel so much less alone now.

@optimist

I couldn't agree more with what you said,

"The only situation I avoid is disclosing when clothes are coming off because I feel like that would put someone on the spot."

There is a whole brain chemistry thing that happens there, which makes it unfair. I'll explain that the best I can at the end of this comment if anyone cares to hear a man-splination.

@dlacinda

Text actually sounds like a good way to do it. It saves the other person the struggle of filtering their knee-jerk reactions, and also gives them time to do research on the spot.

Could you update us on whether you do use text and how you go about it?

I think that would be helpful to a lot of people.

Man-splination of brain chemicals during the heat of the moment:

Attraction produces a lot of feel good chemicals in the brain that have a really big impact on perspective and thought.

Specifically, oxytocin.

It causes people to feel assured, comfortable, loved, and secure.

It also causes people to ignore risks they normally would avoid without much conflicting feelings about avoiding.

Including evaluating the risk of transmission, and whether the person telling them risk is low has established trustworthiness.

Especially with people who are attracted to each other, it is easy to use benefit of the doubt and physiology against each other.

Get consent, informed, educated consent.

@Regularguy Yeah, I feel like it may be easier to disclose over a text because then I can write it all out and word it exactly the way I want to. Doing it in person will be so much more nerve wracking for me, and I'm already an anxious person as it is. I feel like I'll go into it knowing what I want to say, and then letting my emotions and nervousness take over and it will all come out wrong. My only fear with doing it over a text is that the person may not be sympathetic, and show it to their friends and make a joke of me. But I will definitely give you an update on my first disclosure. I have a date set up with both of the guys I mentioned for later this week and I've decided that these will be the last dates before I disclose with them. I think one of them I will try telling in person, and the other I will text. I will give all of the details afterwards. Please wish me luck lol. And thank you for your man-splination!

@dlacinda

Good luck!!

We are all rooting for your success!