First Disclosure Rejection; Needing support

I've been HSV2+ for about 3 years now with only one minuscule OB, and am admittedly not great at the disclosure talk. I've had a handful of people be really cool with it, but all of them were people who either are positive as well, or who I didn't really have what I thought was a meaningful connection, so their response didn't seem all that important to me.

I met a man two weeks ago and the sparks were flying. We had been on two dates, had started getting physical and we were planning that typical "Cook dinner at my place" date which usually means sex. Not wanting to disclose on that date, and seeing that I was getting rather attached to this guy, I disclosed to him over a facetime chat, and probably did it horribly. I was so completely nervous because I really wanted it to work with this guy. I explained all the facts and how asymptomatic I am. He kept asking how I was doing and seemed sympathetic but also was kinda flat. There were lots of long pauses. He said he wasn't ruling it out but he couldn't say it wasn't a dealbreaker. He asked for time to talk to his doctor and I offered to send him links and research. I gave him space for a day and then sent him one of the resources from this site. The later that evening he texted and said that although he really liked me and was impressed that I disclosed, that he had done internet research and it was a dealbreaker for him. He went on to tell me how great he thinks I am and how sad he is that we don't get to have sex. I didn't respond and deleted his number; I mean what more could I do or say?

I get that this isn't about me, but it is SO hard to not take it personally. This was the first guy in a LONG time that I felt not only a connection with, but I thought there was relationship potential. I'm so sad and angry. I know disclosing is really the only way I want to go about life to live an honest life, but this kind of thing makes me feel like never doing it again. (Not to worry, I wouldn't make that choice in actuality)

I don't know how to really go on. I'm so discouraged and I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I wish there was a way to make this feeling stop and to feel more positive and confident about dating.

I'd love to hear from any of you out there with thoughts or responses; I could really use some support right now

I'm so sorry you experienced this.

I can share my own experience which is that most prospective partners have been accepting in response to disclosure. That doesn't mean I don't feel discouraged when someone is not; I do. But I try to remember that more people are accepting than not. I remember that Terri Warren has observed the same in her decades of practice specializing in herpes. And I have seen multiple informal studies that indicate this is the case. Those same studies indicate there may be a correlation between actual outcomes and expected outcomes, so getting yourself in the right frame of mind may be helpful in that regard. That is not to say we can control how others think, of course.

FWIW, I have multiple friends who have been open with me about having HSV and I've seen them fall in love, marry, have kids, etc.

Also, having dated people who truly don't care about my HSV status, I know that's what I need. I would not be comfortable or satisfied in an intimate relationship with someone who was not comfortable with my HSV status, and I assume that would not be good for them either. If I disclose to someone and they express they are conflicted due to anxiety over HSV or that it is a deal breaker for them, I assume an intimate relationship would not be satisfying for either of us. I consider it a basic sexual incompatibility issue if my partner and I can't feel sexy and uninhibited with each other.

No matter how we frame it, rejection hurts, and I'm sorry you're hurting, @hourglassgal.

I once heard someone say, "Rejection is God's protection." It made me laugh (and still does), but it's so true! I can think of two rejections in the past couple of years (one related to herpes, one of which had nothing to with it since I hadn't been diagnosed yet) that illustrated this for me. With both men, I had really built up an image in my mind of how wonderful they were. I've also maintained contact with both men (one's a coworker and the other is now a friend). Ironically, once I got some distance from the rejection, I've come to realize that neither were a good fit for me. One is a know-it-all and the other doesn't want depth or commitment. Either way, the universe was definitely looking out for me when I was rejected by them!

I give you a lot of credit for getting out there and being in the arena (ever read the Man in the Arena quote by Theodore Roosevelt?). Dating is definitely a numbers game, and this imperfect disclosure is just practice for the next guy who makes your heart flutter. :) {{{hugs}}}

His loss. If a guy is that afraid of a something as widespread and harmless as herpes, he's misinformed/ignorant and living in a bubble. If he's having sex with more than three people in his life, odds are that at least one of them will have herpes.

Do you really want a guy who can't get his facts straight about this? Could mean that he'll probably make ignorant decisions in the future as well.

I'm sorry you're hurting as well, but herpes really can be your wingwoman. You say that you thought there was potential, but he wasn't ready to commit in the same way. He's being selfish, and thinking of himself *after* being with you. Herpes is just a skin rash, and if someone is planning to commit to you, a skin rash is worth it. He would have had the same reaction had you said "hey my place is being fumigated can I stay with you for a few weeks" or "my parents are in town, would you want to get dinner with us?"

I had the same rejection recently - a guy I got on with immensely well, he was attractive, smart, and a bit of a nerd like me. He was super into me until I disclosed one night, and he too did his research and concluded he is already a hypochondriac and wouldn't be able to mentally handle the paranoia or fully give himself to be with me.

I thought at least it was good he was honest with himself, and with me.

In the meantime, next week I'm going on an overseas trip with a man that wants to have sex - without a condom, which I won't do regardless - and he doesn't give a flying fuck about herpes.

There's good ones out there!!

"Do you really want a guy who can't get his facts straight about this? Could mean that he'll probably make ignorant decisions in the future as well."

So true (Insert clap emoji here)

Hi. I am sorry you are hurting right now. I feel like I am in exactly the same boat. I am struggling to be alone with my own thoughts. The guy I disclosed to and slept with slept with someone else 5 days after sleeping with me..... Fabulous? I know!

I do believe that every rejection will teach us a lesson and like HikingGirl said maybe this person actually wasn't for you. I find it really easy to paint a picture of someone that I like and make them seem much greater in my head than they actually are. The thing with disclosing to someone is it makes it pretty clear for us to see what is going to happen with them. It may actually save us a lot of heartache. Say you didn't have herpes and things with this guy started progressing. It may have not worked out in the long run and you probably would feel much worse about the whole situation than you do now.

Stay positive and be beautiful. One day someone will come along and sweep you off you feet!

Thank you all for such thoughtful responses; they really helped!

I gave it some thought and came up with this: It doesn't seem to me that it is the virus itself most people fear (since it is such a non-event), but the possibility of getting it and having to disclose in the future which means facing rejection each in a very visceral way each time you go to have sex. You have to be a very secure person to be able to face another layer of rejection possibility. This guy, in many ways, showed a lot of insecurities and my experience with insecure people is that they eventually try to drag you down with them. I don't have any time for that.

Interestingly, it turns out this guy's ex-girlfriend is a friend of a friend and I was able to get some insight that also helped. Apparently, he had a lot of controlling behaviors, and already lied to me about the reason for their breakup. If a man can't be honest about that, and I also hear he's got some control stuff, I'm going to stay away anyway. So, yes, H was my wingwoman!!! Bullet dodged.

That's not to say I'm feeling completely confident, but I definitely have some shifting perspectives on this and disclosing.

I have to say, though, I'm looking forward to that day when MOST people get that H is not a huge deal (kind of like HPV), and just accept it as a part of being sexually active.

That, or the day there is a vaccine... :)

Again, thank you for all the support! It means SO much!