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I'm so lost and alone. Please help


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I found out yesterday that I have herpes. My gyno was so nonchalant about it she kept trying to convince me it was no different than saying I have a common cold. According to her, 6 out of 10 patients in her office have the virus. That doesn't make me feel better, it only confuses me so much more. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. In the past five years I have had sex with 4 guys and all of them were protected. The guy I am currently with now has been my sole partner for over 4 years and he tested negative a few weeks ago when he went to the dr. I feel so dirty and grimy. Both me and my bf are extremely hypersexual and have some kind of sex on average about 3-4 times a day.The last time was on Wed.He wanted to have sex today but I pushed him away. I'm afraid. I don't want to touch him, kiss him or even be held.

 

I don't know how or when I was exposed because before moving here I had another long term monogamous relationship and before that I was married. Now I feel lost. I will tell my bf tonight and I already know he will break up with me because he is a hypochondriac and terrified of anything medical. At this point I feel that I have lost all chance at love and romance. What person will want me after this? I am not a bad person. I love sex but I don't sleep around. I can't even cry at this point. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. I feel like I have a emblazoned sign on my chest declaring me unclean. I just want to scream. Being honest at this point I am so beyond numb that my faith is gone. I have just had too many problems in my life and now this nightmare is like being sentenced to a life of loneliness. I just want to hide. Please someone respond. I am so alone right now.

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Hi ARPTT0576. My story is quite similar to yours in many ways so I thought I’d reply :)

 

First of all, it’s completely normal to have the feelings you are having. It’s a shock to anyone and I had a similar experience to you with the gynaecologist. I felt like my life had just ended and I had all the same feelings of guilt, self-loathing, dirtiness. I cried constantly and like you, I thought I was going to have a life of loneliness ahead.The medical centre didn’t give me ANY advice as to how to deal with it or what I should expect, just to tell my partner. I was also in a serious relationship when I found out. If you read people’s stories on here, a lot of people are in serious relationships when they find out and they have always practised safe sex, so it just goes to show that a lot of the stigma surrounding herpes isn’t true e.g. the idea that only people who sleep around get it- NOT true! Life just isn’t fair sometimes.

 

It helped me to arm myself with the facts before I told my boyfriend. Obviously you are going to feel upset but if you do some research about it, you’ll see that a) it doesn't have to be the life of loneliness you think it is and b) it will help you be less emotional and more realistic when you have the chat with your boyfriend. Do you have HSV1 or HSV2? For example, with HSV1, most people never even notice their first outbreak and for those that do, most people will rarely get recurrences. A really useful website is the Herpes Virus Association: https://herpes.org.uk/ I think they even have a helpline so you could call them and I’m sure they could give you some information and talk through your worries and feelings.

 

I can only speak from experience but I had the same idea as you: I really thought my boyfriend would break up with me, not because he didn’t love me but because he is also a massive hypochondriac. He said any sexual infection would be his absolute worst nightmare, so I was dreading telling him. We were in different places at the time so we couldn’t even have a face-to-face discussion. I tried not to get upset and I told him the facts that I’d found out about what to expect. He was shocked at first but he said he loved me and that a little virus wasn’t going to break us up (remember, he’s a massive hypochondriac and he chose our relationship over his fear of getting ill himself - the risk of this happening, by the way, is very small, especially if you use protection). I can’t tell you how things will go with your boyfriend but I’m sure that if he really loves you, he will accept it. Herpes doesn't define you, it's just an unfortunate thing that's happened to you and if he can't get past that then he didn't deserve you in the first place.

 

8 months in, my boyfriend and I are still together. I’ve been unlucky enough to have tiny outbreaks every month (one or two spots which disappear in a few days). I'm still working out what triggers them by eliminating certain things from my diet and it's certainly a journey. The good news is that outbreaks normally decrease over time. Some months I do get upset because I’m only human but I’m always so surprised at how laid back my boyfriend is about it. He just sees it for what it is: a minor skin infection. That’s when you realise that all the negative emotions are all in your head. Can you imagine someone who gets cold sores on their mouth getting so upset about it and feeling ashamed and dirty? They wouldn't. Genital herpes is just a cold sore but in a different place. As with a lot of things in life, a herpes diagnosis what you make it. Think of it as a chance to get super healthy, get loads of sleep, minimise stress and stop yourself getting run down (hence increasing your immune system and

 

I know it seems tough now and believe me, I was exactly where you were 8 months ago, but stay strong, and just know that you are not alone on here. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to :)

 

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Hi Lara93, Thanks so much for replying. I am crying because my bf reacted exactly the way I thought. I explained to him about the risks and showed him the research but he refused to listen. Because we are so sexual, I wanted to tell him immediately. I felt it was the responsible thing to do. The only other person I told was my sister and she being the deeply religious person that she is promptly told me I was disgusting. So far I am getting two responses from people when the subject is brought up. the first is disgust and then the other is indifference. I know its not the end of the world, my brain, the research done and reading others stories like yours are inspirational but my heart and mind is saying get real. My family will not understand just as my I'm assuming now ex boyfriend, didn't. In this ridiculously large city you would think considering the fact that this virus is so common, more folks would be aware of it. I pray that I will be where you are in a few months. Right now, I am just too raw.

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Hi Dave! Thanks for sharing the video! I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject and I feel a little less disgusted with myself but the stigma from the uninformed really hurt to hear. I am beyond sick with listening to the negative comments. My now ex has shown his really awful side and has been literally taking me down through there in spite of what I am showing him. Thanks again.

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Hi ARPTT0576. I’m sorry, it sounds like you are having a really tough time. I think you were right to tell your boyfriend straight away. He might go away, do his own research and come back to you and apologise for reacting that way. Alternatively, he might be one of the minority of people who just can’t get over the stigma and will choose ignorance over fact. If so, you really are better off finding someone more understanding.

 

As for your sister, that’s quite a harsh statement for her to make. I hope that just because it’s your sister who said it, you don’t think there is any truth in that. It’s hard because you often value your loved one’s opinions but they aren’t always right! Plus, they wont have read the amount of information about it that you have, so they wont have a realistic view on it all. Is your sister married? I bet she hasn’t considered this: if her husband gets cold sores, there’s a chance he could have already infected/could infect her with herpes on her mouth or even genitally. How would she feel then? There’s a myth that everyone with herpes sleeps around but if you can explain to her that even monogamous people who have only ever had one partner can be infected, that might change her perspective. It’s possible she already has it, as most people have some form of the virus by the end of their lives. Even if she's never had an outbreak, it's a possibility.

 

In spite of all that, it sounds as if you are doing so well with everything – much better than I was doing at this stage! You’ve done research and most importantly, you’ve had the talk with your boyfriend. That’s huge, and you should give yourself credit for that :)

 

Maybe you could focus on yourself for a bit? If you can’t rely on your partner or sister right now, do things for yourself that will make you feel good e.g. hang out with friends, exercise, pick up a new hobby. That's one of the more positive things about all of this: a herpes diagnosis is great motivation for you to be the most positive and healthiest version of yourself, and to eliminate unnecessary stress and negative people from your life :)

 

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Hi, @ARPTT0576. Do you know which type you have? Did the doctor do a swab test because you had an initial outbreak, or was it a blood test?

 

Has your boyfriend been tested? It's entirely possible you got the virus from him and he just didn't know he had it either. (It's also possible you've had it for years and didn't transmit it to him.) A herpes diagnosis comes as a pretty big shock to most people and can take some time to digest--both for you and your boyfriend. You've received some great advice. Get educated about HSV and make sure you're taking care of yourself too. It's perfectly normal to grieve for a while--this is a loss, after all. We'll still be here when you run out of tears and you're ready to resume an awesome life. :-) Hang in there. This is a tough time, but there is every reason for your future to be bright. {{hugs}}

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  • 3 weeks later...

You are going to get over the shock and come back stronger. Your gyno is correct and herpes ain't no thing. You will have sex. I've had over 59 partners green light sex since I've gotten diagnosed. Sure there were some "no"s, but whatever- life is about getting rejected and not letting it stop you from pushing forward.

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I find it interesting that your sister, being a deeply religious person would call you disgusting. I thought tolerance and compassion were part of being religious.

 

The stigma associated with HSV is so unwarranted and really angers me. It's as if we aren't living in the 12st Century.

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