H (-) seeking informed advice

Here is the story, and I'll try to be as concise as possible but I guarantee nothing. I am a rambler.

Me: First off, I get regularly tested whether active or not and I am H (-) (from browsing that seems to be the term, hopefully I get it right). I am male, in my thirties, widower (I'll never get used to that word) with 3 kids. I have been mostly alone and mostly by choice for over 3 years. I have dated off/on, some serious, some not. I had started to believe there was something wrong with me, that I would just not have those feelings again. I am a very objective person, that's just how my brain works, so I don't enjoy dating someone just to date or not be alone or get laid or whatever. I am 100% or 0. I love you or I don't, and if I don't, I don't waste either of our time. At some point I just thought maybe it's not for me. I had my chance at that life, and maybe now it's just single dad life. Then came..

Her: we 'met' (online via social media) several months ago. Quick disclaimer, I have met several people that way, let's just skip anyone's first instinct to warn me or dissuade me or tell me it's not real. I'm new to this site, but not to the planet. ;) Carrying on. Instant attraction in a way I've never felt. Enjoying it as much as possible but with that back of the brain blinker saying it could just be lust, we kept talking and flirting and getting stronger. Skipping the details of everything in between, jump to now. We have been talking all day every day for some time. She told me she loved me first, but I knew I did before that. She also told me she is H (+).

So let's be clear, because I signed up to this site for a reason. I love her in a pure way I may have never felt so strong and unquestionably. This did not dissuade me for one second. What I want to know, from real people in discussion and not google search results, is what am I getting into. What to expect. I want to hear from men and women, any advice, suggestions, questions, anything at all. I have made my decision and I made it well before she opened that up to me. I'm not losing love over this, it isn't even an option. So what I need is to be informed. Supported. And I need to know how to support her as well.

We have not physically met yet, but I plan to make it happen soon. As that nears, it brings me here. When I m sitting in front of the girl of my dreams, face to face and my heart is pounding with anxiety, happiness, fear, every single butterfly that can fit inside there and that moment comes where she hesitates and asks me if I'm sure I know what I'm getting into, I want to say with the proper information, preparation, understanding, empathy and total conviction that I do.

With that, I leave the floor open. :)

First question......which type of herpes is always good to know. Is it herpes oral or genital? Is it 1 or 2? Hvs1 sheds less virus. Is she on anti viral daily or just with outbreaks? Anti viral daily helps her shed less virus therefore taking the risk way down female to male ( download the free handout with all the stats from this site). These are just some questions you may want answers to only so you can decide if you want to wear condoms or not....very personal choice. Sounds like you both really like each other and sounds like you want to be informed. This is what I can offer up thus far. Keep educating yourself right here. This is a great site!!!

Thank you Katidid, it's genital and I believe HSV2. This is a topic I rarely bring up, but I should more with her. When she mentions something about it, feeling down, I do, but I guess I have a hard time saying 'let's talk about your herpes'.

Hi, @CuriousLove and welcome. First of all, thank you for sharing your story with us. There's a LOT of people on this forum that feel pretty hopeless about ever being fully accepted by a romantic partner again in their lifetime. Reading your words is very encouraging.

I was diagnosed about a year after my divorce. Recently, I made these two posts to describe my experience--namely how herpes made me feel and what I needed from others going forward:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/8700/healing-through-speaking-shame-my-herpes-manifesto-part-1-of-2#latest (Link to part 2 is in the comments of part 1.)

The experience of the woman you're referring to will be a little different. Everyone takes a different path to acceptance and is on their own timeline, but I think it could give you one inside perspective of what it feels like to have herpes and how others can be supportive.

One of the things I mentioned in the aforementioned post is how important it is to me that my loved ones and future partners are informed. A great source of detailed information is Terri Warren's book on herpes which is available as a Kindle version from Amazon. It's just a nice comprehensive one-stop source of information.

Along those same lines, it's important for you to know the facts so that you can decide what YOU need and what YOU can expect if you were to be on the receiving end of herpes in the future. It's very probable that she worries whether or not you really know what you're "getting in to." Show her that you do know, and that you also know where your own boundaries are (maybe, for example, you want to use condoms)--whatever those boundaries are.

I would not hesitate to ask your new lady how you can be a support. Her answers may be different than any of ours. My god, if I were in her shoes and I read the post you just made here, my heart would melt. I would be so flattered and grateful that you want to be informed and supportive. Seriously. Just be honest and say you know it's an awkward conversation but you reached out to others who are HSV+ because you want to know how to best support her.

Do you know what her outbreaks are like and how often they are? For me, the symptoms are so mild I didn't' know I had herpes for 18-25 years!! (My ex-husband tested negative after our divorce, so that's how I know I've had this for a long time.). Now on anti-vitals, the mild symptoms I had attributed to other things like yeast infections are all but non-existent. So for me, if a guy asked me what he was getting into, I'd' say a small chance of acquiring a virus which may or may not have an impact on you physically. That's it.

Once you get the initial fact-finding out of othe way and you've had an honest discussion about the kind of support she needs, then I would say let it go. Get busy living a wonderful life, because herpes is such a stupidly small fraction of what life is all about!!

Thank you @HikingGirl I'll definitely be reading your posts. That is the way I look at it, how you described it as a virus that may impact me or may not, I just don't know if that sounds ignorant from someone who doesn't have it. I'm just so in love with her, it seems like such a non-issue, to be scared away by that. But of course I am not physically affected by it, so I can empathize but not fully understand. There are some symptoms she has mentioned at times without me asking, but I'm not sure if I'd want to discuss them openly. Even though we are all anonymous to an extent, it still feels a bit trust-breachy to me to say 'yes she confided this in me and I will now mention it in this forum with strangers'.

I totally understand. And I don't think it sounds ignorant at all. It sounds balanced and rational. And again, thank you for dropping in with your comments. It's a welcome perspective we don't often see here!

@CuriousLove my husband felt just as you do towards me 20 plus years ago. When I disclosed to him there was virtually no info out there. He was willing to take the risk, but chose to always wear condoms which was no big deal to either of us. I have hvs2 so oral was always unprotected. He is H- to this day. He never brings it up and never made it a big deal! We have been very happy all these years later and live a very fulfilling life!!!

Thanks @HikingGirl and @Katidid for making me feel welcome here, I wasn't sure how I would be received. I'm really glad to have a place where I can talk about this. Just having these feelings for someone who is H(+) has opened my eyes to how deep the stigma is. I watched a video about it where they said that the way people talk about it does more damage than the actual infection. Obviously, that's a problem and if nothing else I don't want to contribute to that.