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Just started seeing a guy, and he's a little freaked out about it. Need help, please.


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So, I started seeing this guy a month ago and before we did anything sexual, I told him I have HPV-1 and I get cold sores like once a year. Normally it's no big deal, the past partners I've had hadn't really care. He is very nervous about catching it. I told him that I really only get sores once a year and I've had it my whole live (I got it from my mother as a young child) so I know the signs, and he seemed a little better, but he wanted to talk to someone about it. So, I went to my local health educator and yesterday we talked about it with him. Little did I know the guy I'm seeing did his own research, which is fine, so he had all the questions I didn't expect. He asked about asymptomatic shedding, and the guy didn't really know a lot about it. He told him that I'm really only contagious during an outbreak. After like an hour talk he said he felt way better, but was still worried about asymptomatic shedding. To be honest, I had never heard of that term, so he said he was going to talk to his local doctor about it. However I'm nervous about what the doctor is going to say, so I wanted to do some research myself and talk to him before the doctor.

 

Right now this guy is too scared to even kiss me on the lips, that's how freaked out he is haha. I've been understanding and I want to make him feel better, so I'm trying everything in my power to do this right. But though my research, I've learned that not a lot is known about asymptomatic shedding. So I'm worried that the doctor is going to say all the wrong stuff and just make him more scared.

 

Moving on to what I came here to ask. Though-out my research, it seemed like asymptomatic shedding is only seen in people who don't get sores, is this true? Also can anyone tell me the chance of spreading it though asymptomatic shedding and when asymptomatic shedding shows up, as all I could find is that it shows up sometimes? Also any advice on what I should do or say in general. I really like him, and I don't want him to cut things off because of this. My previous partners rarely cared. I only would take the meds, and during an outbreak not put my lips or anything really near them. I'm very cautious and I've never given it to anyone, even in my longest relationships. It seems like this is really holding us back a bit.

 

Thanks so much, sorry for the wall of text, but I'm nervous about this too haha.

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When I was diagnosed about 14 months ago with HSV1 and HSV2, I was surprised by a lot of the information I learned too! I've never had a cold sore in my life. Only about 30% of people with oral HSV1 have cold sores. About 2/3 of Americans have oral HSV1. The older you are, the more likely you are to have it. By the time you get to your 80's, nearly everyone has it. I love this infographic: http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

That's really a lot of good for thought when you consider how common it is. 75-80% of Americans have HSV1 and/or HSV2. When you factor in the fact that a minority with oral HSV1 have cold sores and a majority (over 80%) of those with genital HSV2 are not aware they have it because their symptoms are very mild or nonexistent--it's practically guaranteed that all of us (including the guy you're currently seeing) have kissed and/or had sex with someone who has herpes.

 

Has your partner ever been tested? (IgG blood test is the recommended test.) He might very well already have HSV1, in which case all of his concerns are for nothing.

 

Yes, your body still sheds the virus on occasion even if you have no symptoms at all. Everyone with HSV1 or HSV2 has asymptomatic shedding. It's a huge part of why so many people have herpes! Many health care providers are grossly misinformed about herpes and especially about asymptomatic shedding. For oral HSV1, estimates are that you silently shed the virus about 9-18% of the time. Those figures are higher (15-30%) for genital HSV2, lower for genital HSV1 (3-5%) and negligible for oral HSV2 (1%). You're most contagious within the first year or so of contracting the virus. It's thought that the longer you have it, the less frequent you have asymptomatic shedding, but there's no hard numbers there.

 

My favorite resource for in-depth and detailed information about herpes (in easy to understand language) is the book "The Good News About the Bad News" by Terri Warren. You can get the hard copy or Kindle version on Amazon.

 

All of these numbers and facts aside, some people just aren't willing to take the risk. That's a minority. Most people recognize that oral HSV1 is super common and not a big deal. Yes, he could wake up one day with a cold sore. Yes, he could get genital HSV1 if you gave him oral sex. It's also possible with most other women in the dating pool. Hope that helps!

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Thanks for the information. While it seems like a rare thing, I still think it would freak him out and make him not want me anymore, which really sucks. I was kind hoping it would be less. I have had this for as long as I can remember and, as far as I know, I've never given it to a partner. Just lucky, I guess. Well, I best be honest and tell him this information. But I really do think he won't stay. My previous partners could of cared less. But he seems so freaked out about it. He told me he's had to nightmares about it. It so strange, he makes me feel more attractive then most of my previous partners, but then this comes up and it just makes me feel so ugly. And he is really sorry about that, and he says thats not his intent, he's just scared to get it. I don't know how I can show him that its a) not a big deal and b) he is very unlikely to get it, cause god knows, none of my other partners have gotten it. The strange thing is I did the right thing in telling him. If he does leave, his next partner may have it and a) not know it or b)know it and not tell. All of my family think I was nuts to tell him in the first place. But I was like, nah, keeping that in would be wrong.

 

To answer your question, no he hasn't gotten tested for it, yet, he didn't know that you have to ask to be tested for it. But now I'm worried that if he does get tested and has it he is going to blame me for it, as we did makeout and have some sexual stuff happen, after I told him about it.

 

While I understand not wanting it, he is treating it like the end of the world if he gets it. He keeps saying that I'm stronger then he is and that he couldn't handle it. Honestly, I don't know what to do at this point. I'm trying anything I can think of to make him feel better. But I don't know. Maybe in the end, I'm not worth the risk to him. Which sucks.

 

Anyways, thanks for the help and such. This is the first time that having HSV-1 has ever been a problem for me. Normally I get it once a year for a week, then life is normal. But this just makes me feel so un normal.

 

Edit: just noticed I use a P in the place of an S, oops lol.

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I'm sorry this has been a disappointing experience for you. I, too, hate to feel abnormal, even if statistics say otherwise. I swear to God, every time I think about the possibility of rejection, I keep thinking of a comment @optimist made recently. Something along the lines of.....if they're freaked out about the risk, the sex just isn't going to be hot enough for me. LOL! It makes me feel better every time! :-)

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No, there's no way to tell when asymptomatic shedding is happening.

 

The part that is within your control is you could take daily antivirals, and avoid kissing and oral sex during an outbreak or when you're having prodrome symtopms (any tingling or other sensations which may occur just before you have an outbreak).

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Hopefully he'll come around. Maybe the talk with the doctor will put him at ease. But here's the thing, we inform people to make them aware of the situation and part of that is allowing them to decide whether they are comfortable with the risk. As you've experienced, most people will be fine with it, but some people will not want to take the risk.

 

As others have said, statistically speaking, it's likely he is already infected, but if he is not yet infected, there is a possibility you could infect him. Are you comfortable with the risk of possibly infecting someone who feels so strongly about HSV? I would not be comfortable taking that risk, but I can't answer that for you. Just be aware that it is a potential outcome. I agree that it is typically no big deal and extremely common, but a minority of people do have significant symptoms, and regardless of severity of symptoms, some people handle it very poorly from a psychological standpoint. I know of a woman who has remained celibate almost 30 years as a result of this common skin condition and that isn't because she's unlovable, it's because she reacted to her own diagnosis very poorly and put up walls. We can't predict whether or not we'll transmit or how that person will react physically or psychologically if they contract HSV. All we can do is give them a heads-up so they can manage their own risk.

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No, there's no way to tell when asymptomatic shedding is happening.

 

The part that is within your control is you could take daily antivirals, and avoid kissing and oral sex during an outbreak or when you're having prodrome symtopms (any tingling or other sensations which may occur just before you have an outbreak).

 

What kind of antiviral drugs for cold sores are there?

 

Sorry for the late reply guys, I'm reading over the other posts now. Thanks for the help.

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@dd1990 The same antiviral meds are used to treat oral and genital HSV1 and HSV2, as well as Shingles. Valtrex, Acyclovir, Famvir.

 

Does it cut the chances of the sheading thing too? Or the spread of the virus during a non outbreak? Thanks for the help, again.

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