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Back, and have lost a lot of faith


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So its been a while since I've been here. The last time I was here I posted about how I put my status in my profiles and then someone screenshot it and posted it all over the internet. I took my response videos down because I had been looking for a job and didn't want them to be found.

This next guy I've known for about 6 months. we texted daily and only recently started hanging out. I thought he liked me for me and seemed like a standup dude. In the heat of the moment I didn't anticipate things going as far physically as they did so I had to stop him and kind of blurted out I had herpes. I had wanted to take my time and say it to him face to face in a calm discussion but there really hadn't been an opportunity. He was a bit rude at first and kind of caught himself and was better about it. I felt bad so I wrote something out about my whole story about being diagnosed, what it feels like and some of the things I've been through because, and I told him, he deserved to know and i respected him and wanted to share it with him.

He went silent and I only recently heard from him after about a week of being distant and a day of outright silence. He apologized, said I was brave but ultimately said he still had feelings for his ex and didn't want a relationship or friends with benefits situation.

I just feel hopeless. I've tried dating every which way- herpes sites, disclosing on my profile, being open and honest with men that I like and it gets me nowhere. Its rare that I'm even attracted to someone and want to date them let alone get to a point where I disclose to them. Its still one of the first things I think about when I date someone. It doesn't stop me from flirting with them but I still think the entire time how they are going to react and look for signs.

I feel alone and like it won't happen. I'm tired of hearing the "use it as a litmus test" thing because I do, and overall it shows me that most people are shitty and terrible. I know deep down that herpes is not a big deal but I spend so much time trying to convince someone else that it isn't.

Its a struggle to love myself and most of the time I just fucking hate me. I hate myself. I'm tired of having hope and I'm tired of having faith. I just don't think it will happen for me.

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I remember when you posted about the screenshot incident. I also remember your excellent videos. Sorry you're having a rough time of late. Been there a few times myself. I just tried to keep one foot in front of the other. Wish I had something more inspirational to say. My impression from watching your videos was that you are one smart young woman. It's been my experience that a lot of the good things that happen in life happen when you least expect it. Good luck to you...I hope something great is waiting just around the corner.

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@misskellyrenee I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You are clearly a very strong woman and I admire your openness.

 

Personally, I don't really relate to the "herpes as a litmus test" thinking for a couple reasons. Mostly because the responses I've received to disclosing have not seemed to correspond in any way to someone's depth of feeling for me, their intentions or their level of education. It has been much more random and I've come to accept that. Additionally, I know that I have my own preferences that aren't necessarily logical but are based on anxiety or fear. For instance, private planes scare the hell out of me. When I'm swiping on a dating app and a guy is standing in front of a private plane or mentions it in his bio, I swipe left because I know it will be a problem for me. So I give others the same latitude to have their fears and preferences. Unfortunately, more people are afraid of herpes than of private planes, but I've met many who are okay with HSV2, so I try not to dwell on that.

 

I do get discouraged when someone backs away due to HSV, especially when that person is already dating others of unknown status and/or don't know their own status. I let myself be sad about it for a day or so. Then I move on. Like you, I'm unable to change the fact that I'm attracted to a small fraction of people, so that means I have to meet more people. As a woman, that aspect has been an adjustment for me, but I have more compassion for what guys go through now, dealing with rejection sometimes, having to be a bit more volume oriented. I know that sounds weird, and obviously it's a gross generalization, but thinking in those terms has been helpful for me.

 

I'm especially sorry you're feeling down on yourself. Just reading your post made me want to know you better and I'm a straight woman. :) I'm so glad you're sharing these feelings but also hope they will pass quickly. (((HUGS)))

 

P.S. Another thing that helps me is knowing how important is to me to feel sexually free with someone. When someone does not want to take the risk based on my HSV status, it tells me the sex with that person would not be the kind of sex I need (fun, free, etc.) and that takes the sting out of it for me.

 

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Thank you both for your comments. I've calmed down a bit, but still not feeling my best.

The guy texted me today, asking me how I was and talking to me like a friend. I appreciate that, since he's not treating me any different and isn't trying to do the slow fade out which is a nice change.

I'm so glad other people don't identify the "herpes as a litmus" test narrative. It has almost never been a way to become more emotionally intimate with someone and usually if they are accepting they will be accepting even if it doesn't come out the way you intend. People who aren't okay with it, won't be okay with it even if you open yourself in the perfect way.

Its crazy to me how independent someone's reaction is to their level of education is to their reaction, but then again an education doesn't give you people skills or empathy. Sometimes I've even found the more education someone had they used it against themselves by refusing certain emotional logic or would stop short. I think that is the part that drives me crazy, is I keep trying to improve my choices but there seems to be no logic into who will be an accepting person.

I appreciate both of you for commenting and just keeping it real and honest. Sometimes the inspirational stuff isn't what I need to hear- i just need reality.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Honey, there are men out there who doesn't let this stop them from liking someone. To me it seems like the ones who reject are the insecure ones. Look at the guys who rejected you, what do they have in common, trait wise? So to counter act this, date men from a different caliber. Do this by be willing to open to say if you didn't like country men before now dabble in that area. Just an example. But I think you get the idea. Stop going after the same type of man. You got the confidence, just follow it.

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I just don't see how herpes is still considered such a big deal by people. If you make it in to more of a big deal than it needs to be, then it will become that big deal.

 

Information and misinformation. It isn't curable, which makes it sound scarier. If you've seen some of the pictures online there is a lot of "scary" pictures which often don't reflect most outbreaks. People don't know they have it, or don't equate cold sores to it. If more people knew they had it, there would be a lot more acceptance and maybe more motivation for a cure.

 

Heck, I'm bent out of shape over oHSV1.

 

 

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Don't forget that Epstein Barr Virus (mono), Cytomegalovirus, Chicken Pox/Shingles, the flu, the cold, etc etc are not curable (at least under current model of medicine, not gonna go off on that tangent :-))

 

HPV is not "curable" but a healthy, normal immune system regularly clears the virus into non-importance.

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The guy and i still talk on a daily basis and are pretty good friends. I asked him how much Herpes had to do with breaking it off with me and kind of dodged the question and said that he had some personal issues he needs to work on and that he's sorry for leading me on but that he "admires me for my strengths and honesty." blah blah blah.

When it comes to what all the guys who rejected me have in common, there really isn't anything. I mean, I'm a white girl and they were all hispanic but that literally has nothing to do with it. I've been rejected by jocks, tech guys, college grads and people who never went to college. If I'm attracted to the dude and they seem nice, I give them a shot, I've increased my age preference from the ages of 26-35. I really do think I'm being fair.

I had an interesting convo with my brother and sister in law last night. They were asking me if I had told my parents I had it, since I've had it for 4 years. The reason being is that my dad bugs me and bugs my brother about me dating people. He says "I just want to see her settled down already," and asks my brother and me sometimes "what do you think it is? does she just not want to be with anyone? What do you think is going on?"

My mom leaves me alone about dating but I do kind of want to get them off my back. I just fear my mom saying something mean. I know she would eventually be supportive but at first she would say mean stuff.

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I just don't see how herpes is still considered such a big deal by people. If you make it in to more of a big deal than it needs to be, then it will become that big deal.

 

Information and misinformation. It isn't curable, which makes it sound scarier. If you've seen some of the pictures online there is a lot of "scary" pictures which often don't reflect most outbreaks. People don't know they have it, or don't equate cold sores to it. If more people knew they had it, there would be a lot more acceptance and maybe more motivation for a cure.

 

Heck, I'm bent out of shape over oHSV1.

 

 

People have to realize that if they don't get symptoms, the virus is effectively cured. That's the case for 80% of people who have it. Yes, you can still pass it on, but this is probably the most inactive condition that people can get that gets such a bad rap. Crazy shit that doesn't add up. The only way the stigma makes sense is if you follow the money and that leads to Big-Pharma. I'd bet they already have a cure for herpes.

 

 

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Thats all fine and good, but where does that leave us folks with type 2 who do still get symptoms even 4 years later. God forbid I cut myself shaving. I can still pass it, its still a conversation. I'm not saying I'm letting the stigma get to me, but it still has to be a talk. Even when I haven't made a huge deal out of it, it still becomes a big deal to the other person.

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Not to belittle what you are going through, but your experience is vastly different from much greater majority of people who have herpes but experience zero symptoms. Yes, it is a bigger deal for you, but are an outlier.

 

The talk is a part of life and if you are going to let having disclose shut you down, then you have bigger fish to fry them having herpes. There are so many other things that people can get rejected over, but you don't let those shut you down, right? Do get confused by the stigma. In my experience, I get blocked sometimes by disclosure, but that is not the norm. The majorityy of partners I've had since acquiring herpes (I'd say about fifty at this point), have all consented to sex after herpes disclosure, once in a while, someone isn't into it. That's rare though. If you get your disclosure game on point- make everything very clear and show that them how much the stigma is bullshit, then that might help you to realize that it's really not a big deal.

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  • 1 month later...

I feel you! I have had genital herpes for 1.5 years and have itching, tingling, pain and a small outbreak daily it seems. I am always trying new home remedies coconut oil, apple cider vinegar, vitamins, a healthy diet. I am not currently dating but dread telling anyone. I took valtrex but don't have insurance at the moment so I haven't purchased it. I am miserable every day of my life from the pain not to mention the embarrassment. Not sure Valtrex helped a lot but I was concerned about the long term side effects. Honestly I would have to take it daily to help. Has anyone found something that works great so I am not so itchy down there & not in so much pain? The only thing that has gotten better is the fact the the blisters are very small if not unnoticeable

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