chances of passing without condom/future in relationships

Hey there,

Does anyone have any stories or thoughts to share about having sex without condoms? I am in a new relationship and while the guy is very kind about using condoms, the thought of condoms for the rest of our lives is so insanely depressing. Has anyone ever stopped using condoms in a relationship? How long did it take you? Did you wait til marriage? What are the chances of passing it without a condom, not during an outbreak, and on antiviral meds? Thank you!!

@Gimmehope The chance of passing it on under the circumstances you describe is 2% over a year of regular sexual activity. Adding condoms would reduce the risk to 1%. If you do pass it on, the odds that he will develop symptoms is somewhere in the 10-20% range.

I think it's important to keep in mind that you are not talking about risk vs. no risk. It's more like very small risk vs. very, very small risk.

I'm relatively new to this but my plan is to use condoms outside of monogamous relationships and allow the guy to make that choice within a monogamous relationship.

2 percent? I seriously am having a hard time lately understanding all these stats that are being said onsite and offsite, bottom line to me, nothing makes sense about h.....I find it hard to believe the transmission rates are so low, but yet it's so prevalent? ???? Maybe it's prevalent, maybe it's not....

I think once you commit long term, I would have a talk with him so you can mutually decide this together....some are willing to take the risk, some are not.

I did not use a condom, but at the time, did not know I was infected....since diagnosis I have not been with anyone h negative, so I'm sorry I don't have much input here.

Good luck!

@Bambina - Those are the statistics for female to male transmission based on the terms Gimmehope mentioned (avoiding outbreaks, taking antivirals, not using condoms). Rate is higher for male to female and male to male transmission, primarily because 1) more mucus membranes, and 2) penis can create tears in mucus membranes during sex acts that make the vagina or anus more susceptible to infection.

Another reason it is so prevalent is that there is no cure, so even though the odds of transmission are low outside of outbreaks, once infected, you're infected. The percentage of those infected increases with age with roughly twice as many women infected with HSV2 as men. I would guess GHSV1 would be similar, though oral HSV1 likely has no gender bias, aside from maybe the partial immunity that comes from genital herpes and more women being infected with that.

And then consider all the undiagnosed people who think they have jock itch or an ingrown hair or some other very minor symptom that they don't relate to HSV. They are likely contagious at those times with no awareness of that fact.

@Bambina I've read darn near all your posts. You've had H almost as long as I have. I'm 30+ yrs into it. Only difference is I knew I had it. Really sucks that they didn't inform you early on and you have gone all this time not knowing. You may have mentioned it and I may have missed it, but I'm curious if the last affair guy ended up with H. The last I read was you were afraid to tell him. I think if he suspected anything, he would have called you and said "hey, I think something weird is happening " and he would tell you he thought he had something.

I hope things are getting easier in your life. This is such a tricky thing to understand and cope with at times for sure. I still find myself with questions after all this time.

@optimist thank you for explaining,....I try to go with facts, and although I agree many walk around and not know (I did),,..bottom line is no one really knows the answer and without it being part of the standard std panel, we may never know.

@Katidid yes I've had h for almost 30 years and was not informed (general consensus with many 2nd,3rd, and 4th medical opinions...it really does stink...I feel like I was hit with a brick,,.right now I'm an emotional roller coaster some days better than others,,.i did meet someone here that has been extremely supportive.

No, no one recent knows, which includes hubs....x affair never did call me about anything out of the ordinary....so I don't know if I transmitted it to anyone, although I am certain I did hubs.

Only 2 people know in real life, both I've known 20 plus years, the one took my virginity and was involved with me back at the time I contracted this disease(we broke up and got back together then),,,him and his wife are positive hsv2, he thought he got it from her, now he doesn't know. They will not betray me and tell anyone.

I have trouble understanding it yes, they say time helps, I'm still waiting.

Sorry didn't mean to be a thread hijacker,...

Sex without condoms is a wonderful thing, and the way you plan on handling things @gimmehope sounds good!

Disclosure is still an issue for me, you have to (or should) disclose before going without condom.

Thank you!!