HSV2 for 28 years, F

I was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago with HSV2, devastated I tried to trace my actions and partners... Thru my marriage I have had (2) affairs....immediately I was doing the blame game. Then it dawned on me, and I asked to view my medical record from an emergency room encounter I had when I was 19 years old...I remembered the pain, the fever, the blisters...I was tested for syphillis back then which was negative, not herpes...my final diagnosis that day was perianal ulcers....let's face it, it was aka herpes..I did not have another outbreak all these years....I find it so mind boggling that as a young adult I wasn't educated about the disease.....I have 3 grown children, thank God I didn't pass it to them.

I am just so distraught that all these years I have been living with this disease unintentionally affecting others...

Any comments would be appreciated and welcomed

Thank you, hugs to all

Can someone also point me in the direction on where to find my subscribed threads or started threads...thank you

They must never gave posted, because I looked under your profile and the only post there, is this one.

Well back then, the medical community was even more ignorant about herpes, than they are today. This at no fault of yours. So have you not had an OB since your first?

If I had any other ob, I am unaware...I would still be unaware if I didn't specifically ask my obgyn to check me for yeast or bacterial infection, there was slight burning and itchy.....when he looked he knew it was herpes, but did a culture to confirm....I go yearly for my paps...just had one in April, nothing was abnormal.

I have to admit, I am very shocked at all this...

Embarrassed is an understatement...

I also work in a medical setting, I'm ashamed to face any co worker that handled my chart...

Well being in the field, you would tell a patient it is nothing to be ashamed of, so why are you ashamed? I do understand though, because I feel embarrassment too. Listen, be blessed you aren't really affected by this virus. I have yet to meet anyone who had a primary OB as severe as mine, w severe and debilitating neuropathy. I had to take Neurontin fkr four months after my primary. I have had it over one yr and a month and have constant obs. I am unable to sit on hard surfaces, as my tailbone and back of thighs always feel tender. I have had back to back obs for the past two months, starting on my one yr anniversary. Wednesday I couldn't even Kay on my back, because my tailbone hurt so much. You are blessed that it has hardly been noticeable for you in life. There Are some of us who suffer from out if the norm symptoms and they are constant. I have this despite being on daily suppressive meds. I wish to god mine was like yours. You've lived 28urs w this and it changed nothing for your life and there's no reason it will now. Just because you slept w people, doesn't mean you passed it. There are people who never pass it.

I am clerical at our facility... not medical....but yes...when I was newly diagnosed(again) they down played it as a common disease....my mind spun...

I'm sorry to hear you've had a terrible time with it...is your immune system low? I'm sorry, I'm new to learning about this...I was never properly educated...Google has become my friend...I'm too embarrassed to ask questions at work with the stigma surrounding it.

It makes me sad to read what it can do to us.

Well you've had it for 28urs, so I wouldn't worry about any of that now. Your immune system has a good holdof it.

Yes, I have multiple autoimmune disease's and others who have them or think they may have them on here, are the ones having the crazy symptoms we can't seem to get under control.

Feel free to ask away any questions here. We'd have more of the correct answers likely than your colleagues w all due respect. Even the medical community is poorly misinformed.

It's a shock to your system, but you'll get over this. Are you still married?

shock? I've been crying on and off since he told me...do you agree given what I told you above that was indeed herpes all those years ago?

I have crucified myself over my affairs...knowing it wasn't right, but I was miserable enough to do it.

Yes I am still married, he doesn't know about affairs nor my diagnosis...I am convinced he has it...during the last several years I have had pain in my spine radiating to my hips also...chiropractor visits said it was sciatica and my hip was out, even though my pain never ran down my legs...probably my system fighting my disease, now that I've pieced everything together....my husband has had breakouts, we thought it was a heat rash, but he had blisters on his penis....again we thought a skin condition...now I'm convinced he has the disease...I know I need to talk to him, I'm scared to do it.

Do you agree, that even though I wasn't officially diagnosed with herpes years ago, it was in fact the disease? From what I've read they say perianal ulcers are typically herpes or syp.

Thanks again for chatting

All input helps me deal.

Everybody cries when they're told. I think I fries every day for a month or two. From the sounds of it, it very well coukd be what it was when you went to the ER, especially if since then you've experienced any mild strange symptoms.

Some people do get pain in thwir back from herpes. I will get it from the top of my crack to the end of my tailbone, hips and my butt Bone's will feel ache. That's why hard surfaces bother me.you need to forgive yourself, as it's the past and can't be undone.

It does sound like it, especially since he has blisters that flare up. So the affairs were 28yrs ago? I'm not so sure if it's worth saying anything now to be honest, but at the same time, I believe in honesty, but this is a tough one. Dancer I believe is around your age, w me guessing based off the length you've had herpes and she would have better insight. Asking a therapist if you should tell may be an idea too. That's tricky, since it's been so long

@fitgirl what do you think?

@Bambina3 @2Legit2Quit yes this is a bit tricky but based on what you have said it is very likely you have had herpes all these years and like so many people, you didn't know! You can take blame for that.... that is one part of this equation you need to let go of. You can't change the past but you CAN change the future. The torment you feel is natural and learning to deal with the knowledge you have herpes is always a Rollercoaster. You will adjust and learn to accept the reality of herpes but your emotional unrest has absolutely nothing to do with herpes. Once again..... herpes is a blessing, it has show up now to help you find true happiness and authenticity. It's not here to punish you for your I discretion nor is it a statement of your value. Herpes is the guiding light for you to face your issues and get real. Your husband has herpes and you most probably are the one who gave it to him. You need to be honest. You need to tell him about the virus and help him understand it. You also need to tell him about the affairs, your outbreaks are a result of the stress you are feeling surrounding your secrets and if you let the secrets out you will free yourself from that burden and then you and your husband can really deal with what is going on. Ironically., based on the info you gave it sounds like you had herpes long before the affairs so they are irrelevant to the virus (although it would be the right thing to do to contact those partners to tell them what you now know) they may or may not have Contacted it from you but they should know they were exposed so they don't go passing it unknowingly to others. These are all hard things to do but it will eat you up and destroy you little by little if you don't take responsibility for your choices, own them then allow yourself a d your husband to Heal. This may bring you closer in the long run or it may break you up but the truth will set you both free. He deserves the truth and you deserve to get to the bottom of what made you cheat and dig deep to find out who YOU are and what you value. We all make mistakes, what matters is how we deal with them. Lies and secrets destroy lives .. you have a real chance to change your life for the better and herpes just forced your hand. As for the virus itself, your body seems to handle it quite well so physically it won't be a major life change for you. Your issues are emotional, we all feel the stigma at first but you will get past that if you put the effort into accepting yourself and loving yourself. It sounds like that is the first step for you. I have had herpes for over 15yrs and have gone through a host of challenges but in the end I have learned that herpes doesn't define me, how I treat myself and others is what does.

Thank you for your comments

Gosh you have both given me so much to think about

My 2 affairs have been within the past 3 years, to complicate matters (1) affair is still going on...unknowingly he was with me twice during this recent outbreak. He is also married.

The devastation I have caused,...

I am so scared to tell, and face this alone.

This tells me how many views,104, but only 2 sweet people took the time to write me...I'll have to venture out and read others

Most people don't respond and just view.. It's mostly the moderators, anna01 and Dancer who respond. They may not respond, because they see one of us commented and we have a lot more experience or knowledge about it, so there's not a lot more they can say. I know that u won't comment on some posts that either one of them have commented on because I feel they covered everything and not a whole lot more I can say... They said what I won have said.. Especially Dancer and fitgirl. They're moderators and have been living w this and being an advocate longer than any of us, so don't take it personally. :-)

Ok...thank you for explaining

So...I was struggling with telling my husband...he has a history of not keeping private matters private...Last night I had an incident at home.....despite all the times I have asked him not to air things at work or online..., he did it anyway....he posted it online for all his friends list to see.

I just cried...I have always felt alone in this marriage...now it hit me hard...I can't trust him with this....I know he needs to know...but...we live in a small community, my fear is all will know.

Just awful.

@Bambina3

Hello and Welcome!

First, don't take the lack of relies personally. Many don't know what/how to say things and they rely on those of us with experience to give the answers....which actually is better than 50 people giving you bad advice 🙂

And I apologize for not being on earlier but I've been out of town and not on the internet much for the last 10 days.

So, my thoughts:

It sounds like you need to stop and have a loooong hard look at why you are having affair. From what you say, your husband is not respecting you and your need for privacy. It sounds like he is ignoring your needs. Why do you stay with someone who does these things? I'd say you may want to look at counseling... for yourself and perhaps with him. If you feel you want to rebuild your relationship you are going to need help because you are both going about things in ways that are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

As for your guilt around your kids: there's no way you "exposed" them to HSV2 ... remember it's on your GENITALS. And that it dies very quickly when exposed to air or water so bathing with your kids, sharing towels, etc, is not going to allow you to pass it on.

Yes, your partners need to be told of your status ... that is the decent thing to do. Tell them what you told us: You had what you thought was a yeast/BV infection and they tested you and it came up positive and after tearing yourself up to try to figure it out you remembered that test 28 yrs ago. And BTW, I got it 35 yrs ago but wasn't diagnosed till my now ex hubby got it from me and had a very bad initial OB ... so you are FAR from alone in the mis-diagnosis in those days... AND ... THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now, as for the affairs... yes ... you have a mess on your hands to clean up. We humans are really good at making messes. What distinguishes those of integrity is that when they acknowledge the mess, they clean it up. And from what you say about your hubby, the "price" you may pay may be that he blabs to everyone...so you need to be prepared for that. How YOU react to that will affect how others look at the whole situation .... because if you come in properly educated and come from a place of humility, respect, and a desire to clean up the mess, and he's out raging and such, people (at least THOSE THAT MATTER) will love and support you through this. If you can see this as an opportunity to educate others (if he goes out and blabs) then you come from a place of power rather than as the victim.

We have some great handouts and a video that I suggest you print out/give out to the partners and your hubby... as well as anyone who needs "educating" along the way.

It's up to YOU to approach this as either empowered to put things to rights and perhaps educate people ... OR ... you can become a powerless victim. I hope you will choose to use this time to put things to rights, to consider how you want to proceed with the hubby, and to take on your power and (hopefully) come out of this stronger than you ever knew...

(((HUGS)))

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Herpes facts video

@WCSDancer2010 if her affairs were a decade or longer ago, does it really matter at this point? I'm always for honesty, but I have learned from therapy that atimes when we want to confess something hurtful, that is many years past, that it is more harmful at times and is more about that person just wanting a clear conscience. I dunno, because for me, I'd be so against not sharing this, bit after that many years, I'm just not sure how conducive it is. You're wiser and older than I, but just thought I'd play devil's advocate in this

@2legit2quit She stated above they were within the last 3 years with one still taking place. Either way it's up to you @Bambina3 to make the decision. I agree with Dancer on letting your recent sexual partners know about being recently diagnosed with HSV though so they can get tested and look out for their health :)

Thank you both for commenting, your comments are extremely helpful, inspiring...and kind....just not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to carry thru all this.

To clarify, my affairs have been within the last 3 years...(1) of the 2 is still ongoing...he has a wife of 23 years, children...unknowingly he was with me during this ob that sparked me to seek treatment, I would be surprised if he didn't contract it...I know he needs to be told...I haven't had the strength yet to tell, I'm in "shock let's avoid all mode"

To dancer....do you have children? I am shocked that thru my hurdles in life, including childbirth of my grown children, my first marriage/divorce, other stress factors, that it didn't rear its ugly head enough for me to notice...did you have the same?

Thanks again !!

Oh Danaaaar I'm sorry I do see where you noted about my affairs above, yes I know it's up to me...I'm just in a bad spot right now emotionally...

My bad for missing when the affairs took place. I have memory iissues from my autoimmune diseases and it's hard to keep up w everyone.

Being that they are pretty recent, you need to come clean and IMMEDIATELY to the one you exposed during an OB. There's no nice way to put this and you need to brace yourself,

for what I'm about to say; you feeling you're not ready to tell this guy is pure selfishness. Think about the innocent wife in all this! You are putting her at risk! Time to stop being selfish, put your big girl panties on and handle business. Oh and the affair needs to end and you need to tell your husband.

2legit2Quit you made me smile being so direct...I'm so used to being alone and in charge in all areas of my life, it was nice to see someone do that to me ;)

I'm just trying to sift and sort thru all this mess I have created....I have refrained from physical contact with my affair (we still talk) until I figure out how ongoing to approach this, although I'm not seeing a gentle approach.

The problem I am struggling with before I spill is taking full responsibility for bringing this "to the table" (so to speak).....odds are based on my diagnosis it is me...but...I am having sleepless nights thinking about this...it boggles my mind...how can I go thru 3 healthy pregnancies? A divorce? Career changes? Not to have any other out breaks that would warrant medical attention until now?

Can anyone help me understand this?????

I'm still looking at both affairs thinking it had to be one of them even though my heart tells me different

No, it doesn't matter now, I'm infected....but my brain can't seem to shut this part of this equation down.

Hi Bambina,

I haven't been diagnosed for as long as you have but the origin is still a mystery for me as well. I too don't have outbreaks, so its unclear when I was exposed. And I too have had the pleasure of having to tell someone that I brought this to the table. It's rough but you deal and you give them all the info you have and let them take it from there. It will for sure be a mess, but a lot of good things come from the worst messes. I tried to trace my steps backwards but it's pretty much impossible and as hard as it is at first, in time you'll see that it really doesn't matter. It's definitely possible to go thru the most stressful times of your life and not have an outbreak. I consider myself very lucky, I've read some of the horror stories and I'm thankful I haven't experienced it firsthand. Everyone involved needs to know, including the spouses.

Im gonna play devil's advocate here as I was in a shitty marriage and didnt trust him. (He abuser)If this was me, no I wouldn't tell my husband about herpes. Whats the point, he already has it. Doing so would cause more bad vibes. I got herpes after I was divorced, figures. But during my marriage I was being treated for depression. Never told him because he had the tendacy to through stuff back in my face and I just wanted peace. He too confussed to affairs years later. His reason for confession, "oh I couldnt live with myself any longer". His confession really hurt. I temporarily moved out. I wish he had kept them to himself and suffer with his own consciousness instead of taking me down so he could feel like a better person. With that being said, deep down you know what to do. Either end the affair if the herpes dont do it, work on the mariage or file for divorce. Certainly tell current sex partner bout herpes. If you ever get divorce encourage husband to get std tested. So he finds out bout herpes.