Herpes Disclosure Spree

[PresentMoment]

You're right! I think the difference would be if it was a casual relationship or someone I could see myself with long term.

For the past nine years I have been celibate, focused on being a great single mom. I started having a few sexual encounters about four months ago. Rang in the New Year with my first GHVS-2 outbreak. I haven't had a real relationship with a man in a long time, I don't know how to do it!! I have become too independent, have to learn how to be vulnerable.

 

[optimist]

@PresentMoment @Adrial I've had really positive experiences disclosing over text. In some cases, it has sparked deeper conversations about vulnerabilities on both sides. I've also experienced people politely telling me over text that they were not interested in moving forward, as well as people who said they were fine with it but then disappeared. But those who proactively pursued me after I disclosed via text did not seem to have regrets later. That's one complication I've experienced when disclosing in person.

 

I've disclosed four times in person. Three of those times, the guy really wanted to have sex that same day after I disclosed. I very strongly prefer for people to have a day to think things through before getting sexual which is the main reason I tend to text about it instead. In one of those cases, I did make out with the guy but did not have sex with him (my choice) and he majorly freaked out immediately after, imagining risk scenarios that did not exist. It's my opinion that someone with that level of anxiety about it would've opted out of meeting had I disclosed over text, and that's a preferable outcome to me.

 

I do respect the approach of disclosing in person, but I don't think it's the only way.

[mr_hopp]

Thanks for bringing that up, @optimist! I certainly didn't mean to poo-poo text disclosure overall. In some situations, it can work just fine. It's just that the majority of people I've talked with who are considering text disclosure, it's (subconsciously) used as a way to hide or insulate themselves from the intensity of a perceived rejection. When text disclosure is used in this way, it's a recipe for even more disconnection (and possibly even a self-fulfilling prophecy of actually being rejected). So it's just something for each of us to be aware of what means of communication we're using and why. So yes, it definitely depends on context.

[PresentMoment]

I have not even made my first disclosure- although I have suggested text would be the route I would like to take, I don't know yet. Haven't been there, but I love all of the advise!! adrial, optimist, thank you for your debate!! You cannot even imagine how much you are helping people!! You are opening conversations and expanding our possibilities into something better!!

[zonagirl100]

I disclosed the first time over the phone, he is a doctor and said he was fine and wanted to continue to see me. I was kinda forced to when he sent me a text after the first date telling me he was STD free. I didn't want to do it through a text. I called him and told him. I was calm and told him the facts. I have been so nervous thinking about how in the hell am I going to ever tell anyone. It went well, guess we will see how it goes! And he said he appreciated my honesty. I was going to wait after a few more dates, just to make sure I liked him. But it worked out.

[LotusBud]

@22&Depressed

Another interesting thread with some debate and good tips (If you should need them. 

[22&Depressed]

@LotusBud thanks for being awsome. All of this is helpful. Still not doing well emotionally but this site gives me hope and support that I desperately need 

[Ishmael]

@LotusBud

Thanks for bumping this; it was really great to read. 

[LotusBud]

@22&Depressed

Glad to help in some small way. Give yourself time. What is it--the 5 stages of grief --denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance-- not necessarily in that order and with no fixed schedule? You are hurting; be gentle with yourself. You'll move thru this and come out stronger in the other side (says the voice of experience.) Life will be even sweeter than before. 

Here's one of my favorite quotes:

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain. "

(Okay, it just may be a fave quote cuz I like to dance in the rain, but I live in Hawaii so it's no hardship.)

🦄🐫😊

[Ishmael]

RE: to disclose via text or not, I think it really depends on the person and how they want to approach it. One thing I really like about tryingtobok's method is it falls squarely into the "look, this isn't a big deal to me, but if it is to you, then whatever". I get what Adrial is saying about intimacy and vulnerability, and I think, for a lot of people that is really the way to go. But I also think that reacting to the stigma of herpes with a kind of dismissive nonchalance could have a lot of benefits as well. 

 

[Sunshine75]

@trying2bok I love this post! Thank you for sharing. Wonderful to hear the range of responses—mostly positive. I’m just now getting back out there in dating space determined not to let H trip up my hopes of finding lasting love. Be it disclosure to potential partners via text or in person, a similar script of sorts is useful to see. That and sharing info from this site and other for more information.

made my night. THANK YOU!

[LotusBud]

@22&Depressed

Glad to help in some small way. Give yourself time. What is it--the 5 stages of grief --denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance-- not necessarily in that order and with no fixed schedule? You are hurting; be gentle with yourself. You'll move thru this and come out stronger in the other side (says the voice of experience.) Life will be even sweeter than before. 

Here's one of my favorite quotes:

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain. "

(Okay, it just may be a fave quote cuz I like to dance in the rain, but I live in Hawaii so it's no hardship.)

🦄🐫😊

[LotusBud]

@Lilly82

Try this thread for your discouragement.

Good luck!

[Next step]

On 8/25/2018 at 8:49 PM, LotusBud said:

@22&Depressed

Glad to help in some small way. Give yourself time. What is it--the 5 stages of grief --denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance-- not necessarily in that order and with no fixed schedule? You are hurting; be gentle with yourself. You'll move thru this and come out stronger in the other side (says the voice of experience.) Life will be even sweeter than before. 

Here's one of my favorite quotes:

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain. "

(Okay, it just may be a fave quote cuz I like to dance in the rain, but I live in Hawaii so it's no hardship.)

🦄🐫😊

I really need to hear how life will be sweeter 🙂 please send some kind words 

[Delilah03]

On 5/20/2017 at 4:54 PM, trying2bok said:

I contracted HSV2 about 4 years ago from the second man I'd ever slept with and the first sexual partner I had after a 15 year realationship. We used condoms and discussed sti's, but he was unaware he had it. We remained sexual partners and friends for sometime after my excruciatingly long first OB.

 

After a while, this virus was emotionally crippling. I am an awesome, "gorgeous" (as I'm often told), single mom with a great education, career, family, friends, house, car...everything most people want and yet, I was harboring this horrible secret and didn't think I was WORTHY of sexual love.

 

I'm very goal-oriented, so last December I decided that in 2017 I was going to find an awesome boyfriend! I said it aloud to myself, and then completely freaked out! And then signed up for a couple online dating sights. I'd only had two disclosures up to this point (ironically, both were positive and face-to-face), but I was tired of living alone, in shame, with a secret.

 

Since January, I've disclosed 7 more times (5 in the past two days as sort of a empowering experiment) and I'd like to share the responses:

 

1- guy made a herpes joke over text, so I texted him that I had it. He felt like an ass, actually knew quite a bit about it since he had HSV1, still wanted to take me out, and was more interested in pursuing a relationship than I was so it ended with no sex.

 

2- had a few awesome conversations with a guy who wanted to start dating me exclusively, tho we hadn't yet met. I texted my situation to him, and he still wanted to see me. We ended up having sex a few times but we didn't agree on lots of different things, so it ended quickly.

 

3- met a guy who lives a few hours away. Communication became very sexual, so I disclosed to him over text. The direct quote, "I respect you for telling me. I still want to fuck the shit out of you." That was easy! Lol.

 

4- went out of town with a much younger man who also lives out of my area. We spent two nights together, made out, no sex. He was really busy finishing his degree so we didn't correspond for a few months. He came back on the scene this week and asked if we could "make something happen." So I told him yes, after I shared my situation with him. He replied that he didn't know, but that he wasn't saying no, the last girl he was with had it, and he was paranoid checking himself for a few weeks after they were together. I told him that's not something I want to deal with in a relationship, that I respect any choice he makes, that he didn't need to know tonight, and we agreed to leave the ball in his court. Normally I would just say goodbye, but I see TONS of value in this person as even a potential friend.

 

5- met a guy online. We had everything in common! He couldn't stop texting me and wanted to talk to me every night. The other night our texting got pretty steamy, so the next morning I sent him (my now semi-standard) text since we were supposed to meet and go out over the weekend. He told me it was a deal-breaker for him. I was sorta shocked because I was on a winning steak! But my feelings weren't hurt at all. I did say, "That's the first time a man has said that to me! Lol" and he was surprised. He thought he would automatically get it from me if we had unprotected sex! So I told him that it's way more common than he would think, that I respected his choice, and then I asked if I could send him the disclosure form from this site and he said yes and agreed to look at it. I haven't heard back from him. I'm not bothered by it and actually feel sorta bad that he is among so many people who are just uneducated about it.

 

6- told a guy I was chatting with online about it before we texted or talked...he said he was sorry that happened to me and that he gets cold sores. He still wants to talk.

 

7- had an AMAZING conversation with a man I totally connected with last night. We talked for over 3 hours and made plans to talk again tonight. Well now I'm on this disclosure-spree-high so I (while I've been writing this post) told him that he's someone I'd really like to get to know more but that I have something personal about myself I want to share early-on. Sent the text. He replied back quickly that his ex had it, he does not, but he thinks with open communication it shouldn't be a problem. The highlight is that he said "I so so appreciate your honesty and transparency. I look forward to talking with you more tonight."

 

SO. It really can't be this easy!!!! And why did I wait so long? Well, the answer is that I wasn't ready to invite anyone into my life and herpes was my cave. Since I decided to come out of the cave, I'm realizing that I deserve to find the love that I want and am indeed worthy.

 

I know lots of people don't like the texting method but I dated a lot earlier in the year and could never find the right moment to get the words out! So this method works for me because I can send it (I just say "fuck it" while I hit the send button) without feeling too much anxiety and without too much emotional involvement on either side. I sorta figure that I want someone who isn't afraid and who is open enough to have the discussion with me because those are important traits to me in a partner. I also like it because they can have their reaction in private without worrying about hurting me. I know everybody does it differently, but this seems to be working.

 

I have spent countless hours on this site, worrying and wondering if I'd be alone forever. Now I feel so silly!!!

 

Below is my standard text; I change it up a bit for each scenario:

 

"You seem like a man I'd really like to get to know better. Because of that, I have something personal about me that I want to share with you. I like to share this early because I think it's more fair to us both.

 

A few years ago I contracted HSV2 (one of the viruses that causes cold sores/herpes) and I'd like to know how you feel about this and also give you any time to ask questions and/or do research about it. It's just part of my life, something that is not a big deal for me, but also something that I like to be up-front and open about. This issue hasn't had a negative impact on my dating/sex life, and I respect any choice you make. Please let me know if you'd like to continue our conversations. And thank you!!! :)"

This was super helpful and informative...I'm newly diagnosed and trying to navigate the dating world. Thanks for the info, ideas for text, and sharing your experience!