Disclosure

[Dave]

I'm on the fence concerning disclosure but I'm kind of leaning towards not disclosing and here's why. I have HSV2 and I've never had an outbreak so I'm not sure where I have it. Apparently I've had it for decades and never knew. I assumed when I told my doctors during my annual physicals, to test for everything that they would do that, apparently not. Or I just wasn't told, because I never saw the paper for what was tested. What I now know is that doctors have and still often don't tell their patients something that might be traumatic but not life threatening. Anyway, so now I'm supposed to tell every woman that I want to kiss and/or have sex with that I have herpes, even though the odds of giving it to them is low and even lower because I'm on daily antivirals. They literally have a greater chance of winning the lottery or dying in a car accident than getting herpes from me, but I'm expected to disclose. Some states have even passed laws requiring this. Yet not one person is required to get tested. It's okay for them to kiss or have sex with me, even though the odds are that they already have HSV. Remember 80% of have HSV1 and 25% have HSV2, and 90% don't know they have it, around 1 in 5 people have it. And for the far majority it's a non issue.

 

Rejection from disclosing can be as traumatic and first diagnoses. And to make laws requiring herpes disclosure seems insane to me when the Flu virus kills up to 49,000 people a year. Herpes is so common and is nothing!

 

Now my leaning toward non disclosure doesn't mean I think it's okay to have contact during an outbreak. But when you're not having an outbreak the odds are so ridiculously low, even without condoms and antivirals, it's laughable to think how ignorant most people are.

 

And one more thing...the majority of us with contract at least one strain of HPV. This is another virus that most of us are uneducated about. And there is no test for men. Just saying

[JeffH]

If you think the doctors were wrong, get another test. If you are asymptomafic hsv2, the chance it's on your genitals is super high. Hsv2 is not hav1, it almost always happens in one certain place.

 

It is not true that they have a higher chance of dying in a car accident or winning the lottery than contracting hsv2 sexually. Don't give some comment like "oh but it's true if I'm talking one sexual act with condoms and antivirals" because the chance a certain lottery ticket wins or a certain car ride kills you is not nearly as large. It's irresponsible of you to throw false statements out there for people to read, and your constant bombardment of the adam ruins everything clip is getting stale.

 

You need to disclose. Don't you wish your giver did the same?

[mr_hopp]

Hey Dave,

 

The virus of shame and stigma is much more powerful and destructive than the virus of herpes. Shame and stigma can twist our minds into believing that dishonesty and half-truths are okay if it's "just herpes" anyway. Dishonesty has way more of a negative impact on a potential relationship than herpes ever will. I've been loving your contributions on these forums, basically shouting from the rooftops: "It's not a big deal!" but then to hear you say this now perplexes me.

 

There are 2 sides to come down on once you recognize that herpes really is just a simple stigmatized skin condition: 1) Since it's not a big deal, I *won't* disclose or 2) since it's not a big deal, then I *will.* Anyone who rejects you because of herpes isn't a relationship that was meant to be anyway. It's simply a preference. Some people just don't want to risk it. And that's okay. But don't let this virus identify you. Those who see you for who you truly more deeply (a vulnerable, honest and kind-hearted man) won't want to pass that opportunity up. Not in a million years.

 

Our Herpes Opportunity community is all about integrity and vulnerability (yes, even in the face of occasional shame and stigma from society). We in this community will always stand on the side of openness and connection. Hiding and not talking about sexual history just allows the shame and stigma to fester that much more. Being open and okay with who we are and what we got — yes, everything — is the first line of defense against societal stigma. And when you truly get that, whatever judgment or rejection may come your way, it slides off your back because it was never yours to begin with.

 

Have you seen this video?

 

[Dave]

It is not true that they have a higher chance of dying in a car accident or winning the lottery than contracting hsv2 sexually

 

Actually it is true, if you are using condoms or antivirals there is only a 2% chance of transmission, which equates to having a higher chance of winning the lottery or dying in a car accident. The point is, HSV is nothing to worry about for majority of people. Believe me I did not come to this conclusion easily. When I was diagnosed I felt my life was over, I was a leper, no one would ever love me again and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. So my use of the Adam ruins everything video it to remind people that herpes is not the end of your life. It's time to end this unwarranted stigma!

 

And by the way, I've never had or heard of one person disclose before kissing. And since I have no idea where my entry point is, because I've never had an outbreak, I'm suppose disclose for giving someone a peck on the cheek? Or even a hug where my cheek touches theirs?

 

 

[SPATX919]

I got HSV2 from someone who knew and didn't disclose. The fact that he didn't deem me worthy of disclosure had way more of an emotional impact than getting the virus did. You can talk statistics all day long but at the end of the day, you know the risk you're taking and your partner doesn't. Withholding information is taking away your partner's choice.

 

Transmitting the virus to me without disclosing has had a big emotional impact on him as well. He went into a deep depression and still hasn't recovered completely. By not disclosing, you're taking a gamble. And you have no idea what is actually at stake until you lose.

[Dave]

The thing is SPATX919, HSV really is not a big deal. Yes there is stigma, but it's unwarranted and this needs to change with education. "By not disclosing, you're taking a gamble", a gamble of what....a non issue virus? Again, the flu virus kills thousands every year, HSV does not. The stigma associated with HSV is based on misinformation and all in our head.

 

But if you think everyone should disclose, then should we also be asking anyone we kiss if they have been tested for HSV? And if not, shouldn't we ask them to get tested before kissing them? Wouldn't that be just as responsible. Because we really would have to assume everyone has HSV until proven otherwise. So you see to me that just seem ludicrous and unnecessary. But with that said, all this only applies when one doesn't have an active outbreak.

 

And one more thing, talking about taking away a partner's choice. If this was such a concern then why doesn't the medical community routinely include HSV testing with annual physical exams? Mine was not included until I specifically asked for the test.

[Katidid]

@Dave even though I have disclosed, I agree that the risk is minimal provided you are using condoms and anti viral and no ob. As you mention no one ever thinks about disclosing oral H and if I'm correct here, there would be no genital H if it weren't for oral!

[SPATX919]

@Dave if it's not such a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal to let someone know before exposing them. If you want to take down the stigma, you do so by bringing it out into the open. Not keeping it secret.

 

Everyone reacts differently to the virus. What may seem like nothing to you can be very painful to someone else. I'm on daily anti-virals and still have an occasional outbreak. It's relatively mild for me but some people have such a harsh reaction they can't get out of bed for days or weeks at a time. Imagine blindsiding someone you care about with that.

[JeffH]

It is not true that they have a higher chance of dying in a car accident or winning the lottery than contracting hsv2 sexually

 

Actually it is true, if you are using condoms or antivirals there is only a 2% chance of transmission, which equates to having a higher chance of winning the lottery or dying in a car accident. The point is, HSV is nothing to worry about for majority of people. Believe me I did not come to this conclusion easily. When I was diagnosed I felt my life was over, I was a leper, no one would ever love me again and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. So my use of the Adam ruins everything video it to remind people that herpes is not the end of your life. It's time to end this unwarranted stigma!

 

And by the way, I've never had or heard of one person disclose before kissing. And since I have no idea where my entry point is, because I've never had an outbreak, I'm suppose disclose for giving someone a peck on the cheek? Or even a hug where my cheek touches theirs?

 

 

See though you DO know where you have it. Hsv 2 is not hsv1. Its pretty much always in the genitals. If you want to dispute that and say oh but I don't know for sure - it doesn't matter. Theres no logical jump from "I don't know where I have it" to "ok I don't have to disclose!"

 

Also...I really don't know what you're talking about man. You don't have a 2% annualized chance of winning the lottery, or dying in a car crash. Even your lifetime numbers are nowhere near that

 

[Dave]

See though you DO know where you have it. Hsv 2 is not hsv1. Its pretty much always in the genitals.

 

 

Pretty much, doesn't mean always. So I'm not 100% sure I have HSV2 in the genitals. Either way since it is so common, I still don't agree with disclosure because the fear of disclosing can be heartbreaking. Just like how some doctors told patients they have shingles, when in fact they have HSV. They didn't tell them because they didn't want the stigma to injure their patient.