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About me and my story

edited May 2013 in My herpes story
I guess I'll start out by telling you a bit about myself. I'm 19 years old. I was always considered "the good girl," I think mostly because I am usually pretty shy. I just finished up my first year of college and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for "that night," the night that I got H.

So...That Night. April 5th, 2013. I was at a party. It was this guy's house that my friends and I all went to for Friday night parties. I had a lot to drink and I went into the owner's bedroom. The worst part? I remember I initiated things. The other part I hate is that if I had been sober or even just a little bit tipsy, none of the stuff I did with this guy would have happened. Maybe a little kissing, but nothing more. I hate myself SO much for this night. Hooking up with some guy at a party? That's not who I am! I was too caught up in trying new things that I didn't stop to think about the consequences. Funny how looking back, I feel like I just tossed aside any potential warning signs.

So we're in his bedroom. I've never gone all the way with a guy so I told him right away that I didn't want to have sex. (Call me old fashioned, but I want to wait until my wedding night to have sex). Things were moving really fast though and I was really drunk so I didn't stop him. It felt good too, but I remember thinking while we were fooling around, that the next time I did this stuff with someone, I wanted it to be with someone I was dating or even married to. He went down on me..I kept pulling my pants up, for fear of someone walking in on us. This was the first time I've ever had a guy go down on me and look how it turned out..

Long story short, I went to the walk in clinic near my school and found out it was herpes. The doc called me a few days later to let me know it was HSV-1. She was kind of cold about it. Basically, "well it's HSV-1. see ya bye." i stopped her before she hung up to ask a few questions and then that was it. I couldn't believe that she was just delivering the info and then going to hang up and not even tell me any information. I have both oral and genital herpes. I don't know how common it is to have both, but that just bums me out even more.

I guess I don't really know where I'm going with this story. Just to get it all out there, the reason I was so bummed is because, yeah it's herpes and nobody wants that, but because I was going to wait until I got married to go all the way with a guy and now that I've had a guy go down on me, I feel like it's a waste. I don't know how to explain it, but what if when I tell a guy my story, he gets confused or judgmental about the fact that yes, I'm waiting for marriage to go all the way, but wait, I've already had oral and when I had oral, I got herpes from some guy I barely knew at a freaking party. That's real great...I think I've mostly accepted the fact that I have herpes, but I just CAN'T seem to forgive myself for that night. It's not like I was dating someone when I got this; I was at a party with SOME GUY. Classy right?

Comments

  • Sjj,
    I feel for you.
    I feel protective over you, bc I know what it's like to get herpes from a hookup, and to hate myself for not being more considerate of the consequences. I imagine that you're feeling drained, fearful, and confused about what herpes actually is and how it will impact your life.
    Being newly diagnosed is the worst part bc it's easy to sink into feeling the social stigma of herpes. The public actually knows very little about the statistics of herpes. If the information was out there in the open, I have a strong feeling that the stigma would be much less powerful.
    80% of the population has oral herpes.
    And about 1 in 5 Americans have genital herpes. It's more common than you'd think.
    Herpes will choose anyone. It's a virus. It doesn't choose "the dirty people." It just happens. You are certainly Not the only 19 year old who's had someone gone down on them. I don't know what the statistics are, but I'm willing to bet that its way for common for college kids to have sexual experiences rather not. You just happened to unwillingly get herpes, just like other people unwillingly "happen to get pregnant." Stuff just happens. It doesn't mean anything, and any guy worthy of a serious relationship w you will fully see who you are, and love you for you. They will not let a virus stop them. Sure, they will probably have questions about herpes, and then you can answer them w facts that will help dissipate any fear.
    I just really want you to get that you're not alone. And there's a lot of information about herpes, especially on this website. I'm really glad you found it :)
    What I came to find was that having herpes is not nearly as scary as it first seems. I was in your shoes a year ago, and I've come to realize that herpes was a bump on the road that led me to a path of self love and forgiveness that I truly value in my life.
    I'm sorry that you're going through a really hard time right now. I really feel for you.
    And! I want you to understand that you don't need to live in fear of disclosing. It will come easier w time and knowledge.

    Much love,
    Katie
  • Thanks Katie :)

    Considering it's only been about two months, i think I'm doing pretty well. The part that sucks though is that it's always the first thing I think about when I wake up and it always sneaks into my thoughts when I'm out with friends or busy doing things. I get really upset about it when i'm on my period too. I guess I always get emotional at that time of the month haha but it really sucks. I'm going to see my doc in a few days to get more information and so she can help me find a therapist, because I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that night. I just keep second guessing myself- "I think a therapist would be good for me" to "Why am I doing this? Won't it be weird talking about herpes with a total stranger?" I did see a counselor twice at my college clinic when I found out, but the woman and I like ran out of things to talk about, so I guess that's what I'm afraid of :(
  • Yes, yes. I totally hear you. I went to a therapist one time and didn't go back. There's just so different ways to process everything, and I think that therapy is a great choice. It wasn't my choice after I tried it out, but who knows what your experience will be. Maybe you and your therapist will have a great connection; maybe not. But it's worth a shot. I'm happy that you're exploring options. Thank you for taking care of yourself :)

    I also used to think about herpes constantly. It was an everyday occurance. 1st thing in the morning, different moments throughout the day, then last thing at night. I thought it would Never go away, but it really has. It haunted me until I learned more, loved more, and forgave more. I'm amazed how little it sneaks up on me to think about it. Even when I think about it, my relationship is different to herpes and it doesn't feel like a knife in my heart anymore. I promise you it gets better.
    Please feel free to message me at any time too if you have any questions. I just totally get what it's like to be in your shoes right now, and I want to support you in whatever way I can!
  • Thanks Katie, I really appreciate your support :) I think that me getting involved with online discussions has helped a lot in the healing process. I have my sister and one friend that know about it and they have been there for me more than I ever could have asked. They've really been great. But talking to people like you on here, who know what I'm going through and are there to tell me it gets better and that I still have a chance at love means so much.

    I have 3 sisters and my two older ones are in their early twenties. One has a serious boyfriend and one is starting to date this new guy. I guess guys never really paid attention to me until college and when they did I guess I got a little..sidetracked by it. Not to say that I got around, but I had my first kiss in college and I guess if I could go back I would take all my kisses back (not a long list at all but a decent amount) so that my first kiss could be with someone who really truly matters to me-or someone who I felt that I might have a future with. Same with when I was at that party and the guy and I went alone in a room and he went down on me. It was my first and only time doing that. I just remember while we were fooling around, how I was wishing for next time that I did that, that it would be with someone I really cared about :(

    I suppose with the whole dating thing, I look at my sisters and see how happy they are. And while I'm doing pretty well with everything now, a lot better than before, I just get kind of sad when I look at them. I'm so happy for them and so happy that they're happy, but I just kind of wonder if that will ever be me :/ Or if it is, will I have to wait until i'm 25, 30? Nineteen just seems too young for some guy to accept this..but who knows, I guess :/
  • That is beautiful that you are happy for your sisters.
    I've been reading a book called the Mastery of Love. And I've been getting some wonderful life lessons from it. Our love and happiness need to come from within ourselves. It is so easy to look outside for happiness, but it will often dissapoint. Others can't meet our needs and always make us happy, but we have that power within ourselves.
    One of the most important things in life is to give ourselves the love that we often give other people. It's so important to be in charge of our own happiness first, and then once you are settled into your own love, you have the power to share your happiness without giving any of it away. It doesn't drain you to share your love, because you're not expecting anything back from the other person. It just makes you happy to share your love.

    Something else that I took away from this book is the difference between aloneness and loneliness. Alone is when you feel at peace and content with just yourself. There's a certain celebration in being with just yourself, knowing that you are the only "you" in the world. Loneliness is when we feel cut out from society in some way. We are human and there's a primal need for us to feel like we fit in with others. The beautiful thing is, everyone is different, but we always fit in. We are human. Everyone experiences sadness, happiness, loneliness, community and all those other beautiful and tough parts of life.
    This is what it is to be human. We're all going through the journey. Might as well enjoy it, and always see the beauty in everything ;)
  • I looked up that book and it looks really interesting! I just might have to buy it :)
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