feel guilty... had unprotected sex with herpes

[Sayyywhatt]

So I've been talking to a mutual friend that imet back in December. We've been talking for about a week or two. We had sex 2 days ago with a condom and.ididnt disclose. But that isn't the worse part. We had sex last night without a condom. Iwas really hesitant and told him since my last ex ididnt get check so idont know if ihave anything or not. He told me that it was fine and he trusted me. He started to then tell me that he really likes me. Well afterwards we cuddles.and fell asleep for alil. we woke up and hour later and he dropped me off at home. Itexted him that ineeded to be honest with him and he asked me what was up. Itold him that ideally liked him and that I've been enjoying all the time we have been spending together and then told him ihave had HSV1 since September and that ihavent had an OB since January and that I'm very sorry for putting him and his health at risk and that if he didn't want to see me or speak to me iwould understand and Ijust kept apologizing. He finally texted me back saying he doesn't know what it is about me but he hella likes me and that we should talk more in person. Ifeel so guilty and wrong for what idid. Idk what to do iknew better but did it anyways

[Beckie]

Hey Sayyywhatt,

Try not to beat yourself up. I know I've certainly done things that I later berated myself about. The issue seems to be that your behaviour isn't lining up with who you want to be...otherwise you wouldn't be so upset about this. So maybe get curious about that. Why didn't you disclose? Why didn't you wear a condom the second time? I know for myself, when I started asking tough questions about my behaviour, I was slowly led to the wounded parts of myself that were calling the shots during that time in my life. Also, you seemed to be really concerned about what you might have given him - what about what he might have given you? Where is the concern for YOUR well-being? All of this stuff leads back to the level of love and respect we have for ourselves. Sending you big love and hugs, Beckie

[Sayyywhatt]

Thank you beckie your words help. Idid it in heat of the moment and you are right ihave to respect myself more and Ido have to worry about my own health too....ididnt disclose because iwas afraid of not being wanted -.-, undesirable that I'm gross and he wouldn't want to touch me. That doesn't seem like the case because he's still talking to me. We ihavnt done anything since that night because my monthly visitor came but he still seems interested in me though.

[Beckie]

That's cool you're able to pinpoint why you didn't disclose...now you've got something to work with! Now, if you want, you can start to kick some of those negative beliefs about yourself in the ass. Like the belief that having herpes makes you gross and undesirable....that is a lie you've told yourself. I'm quite familiar with that lie, too...but it's got to go. It holds you back from being a confident, sexy, empowered woman...a woman who knows her worth and knows that herpes doesn't define her....a woman who knows that any man who is truly worthy of her isn't going to give a shit about the herpes. But you have to see all of that within yourself first before expecting a guy to see it in you. Much love xo

[Sayyywhatt]

Thank you so much beckie ideally needed to hear that (: thank you...there's another part he just confessed to me yesturday he has a Gf -.- I'm stuck in a sticky situation

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Sayywhatt,

 

I call what you're doing emotional cutting. :( Doing things you know are going to make you feel bad about yourself later. It's a hard habit to break when you're feeling lonely and unattractive, and all of those things we feel when we have shame, but the aftermath isn't worth it. I have SO been there and know what you are feeling. It's a momentary feel good and a lot of feel bad afterward.

 

How are you nurturing yourself and growing in your acceptance of yourself...forget herpes, but how are you working on yourself to become the woman you want to be? I wrote a letter to my 19yo self on a post by sjj238. I'm 42 now and I wish someone would have told me a lot of things I wrote there when I was younger. Check it out and see if any of it might speak to you.

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1110/does-age-matter#Item_2

 

And honey, if he has a girlfriend, this could end up being a very painful thing for you. I worry for you, sweetheart. Please take care of yourself. Do things that reinforce your sense of self-worth and make you feel proud of being you.

 

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh...I really do understand where you are, have been there myself and want you to know you are valuable, important and loved.

 

Kristin

 

[Sayyywhatt]

It wasn't harsh at all thank you for heping me. Were not talking anymore he's back with his Gf and I'm back with mine. He used me and tossed me aside. I'm not mad because me and that Guy talked about his ex and iknew it was going to happen that he got back with her so iprepared myself in advance but he did it in such a shady way. He didn't talk to me the day he met up with her them the next day itexted him asking how it went and he said "thank you for being there. Sorry I'm a douche bag. Bye" and that's it we ihavnt talked in 3 days I'm more upset we don't have a friendship like we did. You live and learn is how I'm living right now and me.and my Bf plan on getting married. Itold him everything that happened and he's hurt but he is willing to move past it and move on with our lives (: