I got herpes and I didn't have the choice

[kaybee]

hi everyone,

I was diagnosed two months ago and am now having my first reoccurant outbreak. It has been painless and is really minor, I just have occasional itchiness. I am an 19 year old college student, I found out I had herpes after being taken advantage of when i was heavily under the influence of alcohol. Some days I feel like Its going to be okay and that i can live a normal life, but other days i just feel lost and angry. I wasnt given the choice to take the risk and get this infection, not only was I not given a choice but I was put at risk as my attacker refused to use a condom even at my insistence. I dont want to ever inflict the horrible feeling of shame and loneliness on anyone else, but its hard to know that for the rest of my life i will have to explain to every man i want to have sex with that i am contagious with a life long std. I have always been so careful about sex and it kills me that i contracted hsv 2. i never thought this would happen to me. I know before getting this i had horrible stigma towards it as im sure most other people i will have to tell will, when in reality its not too bad except the social stigma. I dont want someone i love in the future to think im dirty or tainted, i dont want someone to be afraid to have sex with me. I feel like my life was stolen from me and i just dont know how to cope with it. I prayed i wouldnt have reoccurant outbreaks and that i could just pretend this never happened but now having one just two months i know this is forever a part of me. I just wish i was given a choice or protected in some way. :(

[mr_hopp]

Breaks my heart to hear how you were treated. Big, big hug and infinite compassion. Know that we all are here for you. Thank you so much for reaching out here. It takes courage and self-love to be vulnerable like this with your new community. And welcome. A deep, deep welcome to you. I look forward to loving you along with our community until you don't hurt any more. As long as it takes.

 

There have been quite a few women who have come out on this forum speaking to getting herpes through being raped. You aren't the only one. I don't know what it's like to experience something like this, but I do know my own experience of pain and shame and anger, and that part of me is connected with that part of you. And I don't want you to hurt. I want you to be happy. And healing will happen with time. I promise you that.

 

And mark my words, just because you have herpes DOESN'T mean you have to hold the same shame, anger, violence, worthlessness that the person who did this to you I imagine was holding. You got herpes, but you don't have to get the negative stuff this guy clearly had within him to do such a despicable deed. Separate the virus from the feelings and meaning. Learn to forgive yourself and understand this as a process. A process of letting go of the anger and embracing deeper self-acceptance and love. Just because you got herpes through someone else's deep problems doesn't mean that you have to take on those problems as your own; it also doesn't mean that other people will associate those same problems with you as a person now that you have a simple virus. YOU get to be in control of how this changes you or not. That is what "take the power back" means. It means to dictate how experiences in our lives impact us. To allow what happens to us to give us a deeper resolve for that to never happen to anyone else. That is turning the tide. That is allowing your heart to be bigger than your hate. We have both sides to us. It's our decision which one we put our energy and attention into.

 

Much love to you. So much love.

[kaybee]

Thank you so much for everything. I found this site today and I dont think I have gotten off of it, its so encouraging to have real people to go to for advice and to see their stories. I dont want to let this skin condition define who I am anymore, and I know one day someone will accept and love me with or without it. I have my ups and downs everyday batteling adjusting to my diagnose but seeing all of these amazing people makes it so much easier. Thank you so so so much for your kind words and help its more than anything i could have expected.

[AshSexualityEd]

Hi Kaybee,

 

I am also a survivor and I also got herpes from my attacker. I know what it's like to feel lost and angry. This forum has been incredibly helpful and powerful for me and has helped me heal a lot. Having a community of supportive people has made all the difference in the world. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask! I hope that you find the forum as powerful as I have - it sounds like it's already helping. :-)

 

~Ashley