It's been a few months, but I feel like I'll never want to be with anyone again.

I had just moved 10 hours from home for a job, fresh out of a long-term relationship, and was just generally excited about life and new experiences. I was going on dates, getting to know new people, making friends, "adult-ing," and exploring a new place. I felt like I was on top of the world. Then, months later, I met a guy that I liked. He was my age, attractive, really had a way with words, liked music, had a sense of humor, wanted to join the Peace Corps... It was the first time since I got out of my 4.5 year relationship that ended 8 months prior that I'd actually had feelings for someone. So we spent time together, went on fun dates like swing dancing, riding around and exploring the area... I felt good about it.

Then, we started having sex. Always protected, because I insisted but he was always weird about it and insisted that he was "clean." But I knew better. Then one night, I went out with some friends and had a little more to drink than I should've. He was getting off of work and I met up with him and we walked back to my apartment. I was stupid and my judgement was impaired and I agreed to having sex without a condom. I do realize that you can contract HSV with or without since it is a skin disease, but I'm sure this didn't help anything. Next thing I know, I have a bad UTI, and I start my first OB soon after that. It was horrible. I just told him I was sick and avoided seeing him, got tested, didn't realize HSV antibodies take a while to show up in blood, spent a ton of money on tests, antibiotics (Incase of chlamydia/gonorrhea, which I never had but wish I would've had it over what I got)...

When I finally found out that it was HSV-1 (genital) after much googling, doctor's visits, and more outbreaks, I mustered up the courage to tell him what was going on. He was upset that I didn't talk to him, blamed me for everything, told me he didn't have anything, essentially told me I was a whore who must've gotten drunk and been sleeping with other guys, it was awful. I felt so dejected and horrible. After some coping and talking to my friend in the medical field, I at least came to terms with it with myself, but then just yesterday I found out that my pap smear was abnormal and I was positive for HPV, too. All because of this guy who I feel duped by and wasn't understanding at all. Now, I've basically been sentencing myself to a life of no intimate relationships and have extreme anxiety about getting close to anyone. Does anyone have any advice? I'm in a bit of a low place and it's hard to go to work every day and pretend that I'm fine - I'm the queen of bottling stuff up and then having it come back to bite me, hard.

Thank you for reading!

tl;dr - Have HSV-1 (genital) and HPV due to unfortunate circumstances. Just looking for advice and reassurance, as I don't feel like I'll ever be able to feel "normal" again.

You should stay in touch with your doctor about HPV visible symptoms are treatable, and there is slim chance that it will be permanent.

HSV is manageable. Antiviral medication like valacyclovir can prevent outbreaks and control symptoms.

You should definitely disclose before getting intimate.

Unfortunately, that guy turned out to be a malicious person who happened to have a virus.

The virus itself will not make you spontaneously a bad person.

If you need time to get your head right, that's okay.

But don't lock yourself away forever out of fear!

There is definitely a bunch of people out there who would be really happy to be in a relationship with you, flaws included!

The only person who will reject you over something so common and unimportant as herpes is someone who either not done searching for the right one, or someone who plans to do you harm.

Your diagnosis and subsequent disclose will act as the words best bullshit filter. All the empty promises for the future, and lies will be shattered the instant you disclose. That will turn out to save you a lot of grief and wasted time.

You'll also find that there are many people who won't be stricken with anxiety when you disclose. You might not find them right away, bit there are many. They won't see a medical condition as a threat in itself, and they will know that it is far more important to find someone genuine.

With the courage and the kindness to make their well-being and right to consent a priority over fear and shame.

Because there is nothing to be ashamed of. And there is literally nothing to fear.

If anyone ever freaks out, or disappears, they would be doing you a favor. You don't need someone who plans to move on after they get their temporary fix, and you don't want a man who is a victim to his own fear.