Failed to tell the truth and now I'm worried / guilty...

Hi everyone,

Pretty new here but wanted to post as this is bothering me...

I've had HSV2 for about 2.5 years now, got it from my now ex-gf who was asymptomatic and never knew. It hit me pretty hard at first (physically), and I take suppressive meds now which keep outbreaks to maybe 1-2 a year max, usually if I miss doses. I've been single for about 1 year, and kind of avoided sexual encounters for this reason. Well this past weekend, I was drunk and had unprotected sex (it was brief, but still). I did not ejaculate inside her if that means anything. The girl is from online dating and based on recent convo's, there is a good chance we'd see each other again / have sex again. She keeps asking to hang out. Based on what I've read, transmission rates of no condom, but on meds, is about 5%.

I feel like shit now and see 3 real options:

1) Not tell her, and dwindle things down between us. Hope it was not transmitted. Hope it never comes up.

2) Not tell her, and if she gets symptoms, I can act as an asymptomatic carrier or that I don't have it at all (wouldn't necessarily be me who transmitted it to her).

- She could make me get tested, which would obviously come back positive. She could also find out about my daily meds.

3) Tell her, give her the stats, and offer to go with her to get tested.

Any advice is appreciated. I really feel guilty. I've avoided sex for a year since breaking up with my ex for this exact reason.

Options 2 and 3 basically eliminate continuing things with her. I've also seen that first symptoms typically are 7-14 days after exposure, so clock is ticking :(

Not totally honest but you could tell her your ex just called to tell you she tested positive for HSV and that you intend to get tested too. Ask her to get tested and go through the process together. Do not have sex again until she knows.

I think UName has a good point. Regardless of how you do it, Tell Her.

Ask yourself first - would You Want to Know if the tables were turned?

That all said, I get it. We just want to be "normal" and not worry like we use to. That's forever over. Now for us all to settle into our new "normal".

Take care, be kind to yourself and Be Honest with yourself and your Lover(s)

I would go with what Username suggested. That way there is a possibility you could continue the relationship. If the relationship does continue you will need to hide your pill bottle- as it has the date of your prescription.

Definitely tell her. The frustration of my giver not being honest is a large part of my emotional struggles. I know that will get better with time, soon I hope!! In reading the discussions others have posted this is one of the really hard parts of the HSV diagnosis. Many have "Immaculate Infection!" No past partners have HSV! Right!?! Infuriating!!

You will feel so much better if you tell her. Good luck!!

UName that is a pretty good idea. Hopefully it doesn't seem fake or won't see through it. Should I actually go get tested (again)? That way I have the test results etc.

Hopefully she doesn't ask to see the HSV texts or something! Ugh.

Immaculate infection. Hahahahahaha. Hilarious!

Yes, go get tested again. Just start the process over with her. The fact that it's not totally honest I'm sure makes it feel a little uncomfortable. If you're not up to the task just be straight up and honest. At the end of the day that's probably the best way to clear your conscience, but only you can decide what's best for you. If it were me, I don't know what I'd do. Either 100% honest or pretend like I just found out about my ex. Dating sucks. I'm glad I'm married. Good luck!

The fact that you're taking steps to make sure your partner knows shows that you're a good, honest person! At the end of the day, anyone should appreciate that!

Disclose to her. There is no need to make a big production out of it.

Think about how you felt when you had symptoms.

You know you don't want those things to happen to someone who is so interested in you.

She deserves the right to decide for herself.

The right to consent.

Honestly tk1434 - I don't think it will be as bad as you think. Just tell her you were drinking, that clouded your judgement. You intended on disclosing but things got out of control quickly. You were HOT for her, you were overwhelmed with wanting her, not out of deception but desire you failed to disclose. (Seriously she might fuck you again if you tell her that!I)

I can see where in the heat of the moment you would forget - you are new to this as am I.

I agree with Presentmoment. Plus if you're straight up you won't have to hide anything or feel dishonest. And if she walks away, there will be others who won't.

I've just gone through the exact same - I've had hsv for 13 years already, got drunk this weekend and hooked up without a condom. Freaking out because I got a ob on sunday morning which I've realized is from the friction. Now I'm stressing that I've exposed him and I'm so scared to tell him... what's the chances that I've passed it to him?

General %'s are here:

https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

@tk1434 if you intend to continue seeing her it is my opinion you need to be honest. I have read and heard of many people taking different approaches to disclosing after having sex with someone. Some of them turned out positive, some negative. If you feel the ONLY way you can be honest is to pretend like you just are finding out the information, I guess that’s better than keeping your hsv entirely a secret.

To be honest I think this approach is only appropriate if this is a casual situation for you because while trust is still important, it isn’t usually the foundation of a lot of casual relationships (even though it should be). If this is a woman you see yourself dating, then I would tell her the entire truth. All you have to do is look through the discussions on here to see the hurt and devastation that non disclosure can cause. You do not want to start a relationship knowing you have not been 100% honest with your partner.

For me...I disclose up front to anyone I want to sleep with. I’m not one to have drunk sex so I haven’t been in your situation but I think you really need to decide where you stand morally when it comes to disclosure. How would you feel if you found out your ex knowingly exposed you? How would you handle someone confronting you and asking did you know you had herpes and having to lie? These are the questions you need to answer for yourself and take the steps to live true to the answers moving forward

Annalove - you are awesome- you are so calm. I love how you evaluated the relationship with the ex (the giver) and decided not to contact him regarding your diagnosis. I wish I had thought about that more before I did.

You are really cool!

I think any man would be lucky to have you!!