Might have accidentally given my partner HSV 1 from a cold sore, how do I deal with this?

I have gotten cold sores since I was 8, I am 21 now. My sister's friend thought it would be a funny joke to kiss me while I was sleeping with her open cold sore (hence the username). I was very upset when it happened because the situation was stupid and unnecessary. I now don't really care about it at all because I only get one about every 3-4 years. I have never given HSV to anyone over this time and I have been very careful with my partners, even if they already had it as well.

I just started to see this guy and we both told each other that we are clean, with no STIs. Now 3 weeks in, I just woke up with a cold sore starting on the corner of my lip. I told him when I noticed it and left to put some Abreva on it before going back to bed. At this point it was barely visible, but I could feel it starting. He seemed like he didn't mind at all and asked no further questions. 2 hours later, he kissed me. I was tired and had been asleep, so when he kissed me I figured he must have them as well since most of my partners, as well as myself, are very cautious when either of us have had one. I later ask if he gets them as well, he said yes and then said he wasn't sure. Then he said no, and asked if it was herpes. At this point, I had been told so many confusing stories about the difference between Herpes and cold sores or HSV 1 and HSV 2, that I wasn't really sure.

He messaged me later, extremely mad, telling me that I have Herpes and should have told him that when we first met. That I wasn't clean and he had no clue what it was. It was my fault if he gets it now, I was being selfish, and now he might get HSV 2 as well and that will be my fault. I told him that I was confused, not knowing why he didn't question farther when I said that I had woke up with a sore. His mother is a gynecologist, so I figured he knew what it was and was't concerned. Bad assumption on my part, but I was tired.

I explained that, 1. I didn't even realize it was considered HSV 1 until I researched it myself. I had never given it to anyone and also never considered it an STI so I didn't tell anyone unless I got a sore. I haven't had one in the past 3 1/2 years, so it didn't come to my mind to mention it. 2. about 2/3 of the world population has it, it doesn't even show up on STI tests because its so common and a lot of doctors don't test for it. This happened to me, when I got tested, I was told I was completely clean and didn't think anything of it. 3. I have had it for so long and I don't see it as a big deal to handle. There is a stigma that it is gross, but half of the people I have been with have had it and none of us care. Growing up, so many adults and kids that I knew got them, that I figured they were super common and no one cared, although I did continue to be cautious.

He still was extremely angry and told me to leave. He later messaged me asking more questions, clearly insinuating that he does not trust me now. I feel really upset about this. I am an extremely honest person, it a large part of my personality and I would never do anything to harm anyone intentionally, especially someone that I care about. I feel so sad because although I have experienced a similar situation when I first got it, I can't say that I completely relate to how he is feeling. I like him a lot, I care for him, and as it's not confirmed yet, I hope he did not get HSV 1, but now I feel that I have lost his trust and possibly his friendship. I don't know how to tell him how sorry I am or how to deal with the guilt of making an assumption at the wrong time.

Any advice would be helpful, as I care about him a lot and want him to know that, but I also know I can't ask for his forgiveness, he has to decide that himself. Has anyone had a similar situation?

Everything you said makes sense. There is very little education about herpes and the fact that oral herpes is almost exclusively referred to (in the U.S., anyway) as cold sores adds to this confusion. Additionally, even people who are aware that cold sores = herpes tend to operate as you did, only mentioning it when symptoms occur, because there is lesser stigma associated with it and fewer prevention options (people are not going to use barriers for kissing, and rarely will they use them even for oral sex, so disclosure is less meaningful in that regard, except for when it is appropriate to abstain when symptoms are present).

One thing for you to know is that it's possible to transmit HSV1 to a partner's mouth or genitals even when no symptoms are present. About 70% of HSV transmissions occur when no symptoms are present, often from people who have no idea they have it. As you mentioned, lots of people already have it by your age, usually orally. Only about 30% of people who have HSV1 ever have noticeable symptoms, so the fact that he hasn't had a cold sore doesn't mean he definitely doesn't have it. However, if he doesn't yet have it, he is vulnerable to contracting it orally or genitally. Perhaps his gynecologist mom clued him in to some of this and he figured everybody knows all this. I would hope she would also have explained how common it is, both orally and genitally, but who knows.

My guess is that he panicked after having contact with you when you were symptomatic and his emotions are running the show right now. Or maybe he is in the minority of people who expect to be disclosed to upfront when a partner knows they have oral herpes. I can tell you that I've been kissing people for 35 years or so and nobody has ever disclosed this to me. Never once. OTOH, I have a friend who acquired it through oral sex and is still angry about it because she feels he should have told her upfront. I feel like there's a bit of wishful thinking there as it would require tremendous effort to avoid encountering it when the majority of adults have it and are unaware they have it, but this speaks to that emotional response that comes from known exposure.

I'd say the best thing to do right now is give him space, and if he continues to feel this way about HSV1, consider it an unfortunate issue of incompatibility. He's reached an age where at least half of his peers have HSV, and this number will continue to climb, so he may either need to begin testing with partners before becoming intimate, or if it's more anxiety-based, he may need to be with someone who doesn't display symptoms, whether or not they actually have it and are capable of transmitting it.

Also, just FYI, HSV1 is still HSV1 when transmitted to a partner's genitals. It doesn't turn into HSV2, but it is genital herpes.

@optimist

Thank you do much for replying! Not only did this make me feel a little better about the situation, it was also so informational. I didn't know that only 30% of people show symptoms. I guess that makes it even harder to know who has it and who doesn't because most people wouldn't even know unless they got a blood test. The use of the name "cold sores" definitely has made many people super confused about it. I wanted to see how common having HSV1 was in my friend group/ how much they knew about it, so I asked most of my friends separately. It was surprising to hear how many of them did not know it was herpes either and how many of them had kissed someone with an open sore, but had never showed any symptoms. With that case, my friend said she doesn't have it, yet she still kisses her boyfriend every time he is showing symptoms, meaning she's most likely a carrier and has no clue. This has at least been a very informational experience for me and I hope to share this information with others to help end some confusion.

I was just like you I probaly got cold sores way before I was sexually active, and I didn't know it was herpes related I always saw people getting cold sores didn't know what it was my mom got cold sores I probaly got it from her, but about 80% of the population get colds sores that's why we don't realize it's herpes related and trust me nobody cares about this I DONT CARE about it , hsv 2 it pretty much cold sores below the waist but can be oral as well just rare,honestly that guy sound like a douche bag , I can understand being a little frustrated but he's taking it over board , I would leave him alone if I was you he sound immature and wreckless

and you sound like a nice girl , always be safe protect yourself