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Full of anger, feel lost and alone. It's long it's my story and i needed to vent

I was just diagnosed with Genital HSV-1. To say I'm shocked would be a gross understatement. I'm 43, married, been with him for 13 years and we have 2 kids together.  Never in a million years did I think this would be happening to me now. 
Last week during my period I had 'something' going on down there.  I assumed it was just a irritation from wearing a pad on my heavy days.  So I went to walk in 5 days ago to have a doctor look at it and prescribe me some cream to clear it up.  Boy was I wrong! She said it looked like herpes.  I bolted right up yelling 'What?!' I mean how was this possible?! I know I haven't cheated and I was certain my husband hadn't either.   She asked if i got cold sores to which i replied 'No but my husband does.  Although he hasn't had one in a while'. She said that didn't matter and it could be a possible source where i got it then depending on what type I had. She swabbed me, gave me a prescription for Valacyclovir and sent me on my way.  After the longest 3 days of my life consisting of scouring the internet hoping, looking for another possible answer I got the call telling me I tested positive for HSV-1.
I was/am devastated.  More like completely gutted to actually hear the words that I am in fact infected. I have been crying everyday since the doctor shared her suspicion that it was herpes and been SOBBING since it was confirmed. I went for an appointment yesterday and decided to do suppressive therapy.  I have Acyclovir to start taking daily after I'm finished with the Valacyclovir. I also have Zovirax ointment to put on now.  I have been searching the net day and night hoping to learn as much as I can about this virus. 
I'm done crying but now I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off I have this.  I'm pissed off I have to deal with this the rest of my life. I'm pissed off my husband gave it to me.  I'm pissed off that my husband won't get it on HIS genitals because he already has the virus.  I'm pissed off that he doesn't get them anymore on his lips and I am just starting my torturous journey. I'm pissed off that HE'LL never have to deal with this and I'M the one that does. I'm pissed off that I'm in pain. I'm pissed off there's this stigma that comes with this.  It's ok to have a cold sore but if it's on your genitals you're disgusting. I'm pissed off when he tries to have a normal conversation with me like nothing is wrong and nothing had changed. MY whole life has changed. This will never leave my thoughts.  Every twinge, every itch,  every scratch,  every razor burn,  every little feeling I have down there will have me panicking and praying it's not an out break. I think about what happens if I have an out break on vacation. Can I even go in a pool, lake or ocean if I have open sores? I think about if my husband passes away how I'll be alone because i feel so humiliated i never want anyone to ever know i have this. I think about what is going to happen when I'm 80 and my body is falling apart. Being run down can bring them on right?  I'm going to be an 80 year old with a herpes out break?? How does one manage that?!
I KNOW I have no right to be angry with my husband.  He is an incredible man.  He didn't cheat.  Neither of us knew this could happen. In fact before we even knew what type I had he said ' whatever it is we'll  figure it out and deal with it '. He truly is amazing.  I KNOW this is not his fault. Yet I can't help these feelings of anger.  He has been working out of town so I haven't been face to face with him since I got the news.  I'll be seeing him next week. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I can't even look him in the eyes which is stupid because it's not like I cheated and got this.  I got it from him!  It doesn't make sense but it's how I feel.  I feel distant from him. I can't talk to him on the phone anymore because i get upset talking about it or i get pissed that he's trying to act normal. I feel dirty and gross. I feel like this is who I am now.  The woman with herpes. And yes I know I could never have another outbreak.  I know the initial outbreak is supposedly the worst. I know there are multiple ways to try and manage this but let's be honest.  There is no way of predicting how the virus will act in another person's body.   There is no rhyme or reason to what this virus does. What happened with you or the majority of others is not necessarily what will happen with me. Some people have a hell of a time with this. So to hear 'oh it's just a skin condition.  Oh it's just like having a cold sore down there. No big deal.  Oh they get better with time ' makes me furious.  I feel like my doctor and husband are trying to downplay this to try and make me feel better but all it's doing is just pissing me off. Because this IS a big deal to me.  It's all easy for them to say..... they don't have this. They don't have to live with this the rest of their lives.
I'm sorry this was so long.  I have so many emotions going on but I have no one to talk to. It'll be 7 days this all started.  I just want this outbreak gone.  It hasn't scabbed yet.  Shouldn't it have? I don't know what I'm doing or what to do.  I feel so lost. Ok maybe I'm not done crying....

Comments

  • Hi there, I just wanted to offer some encouragement -- i don't want to dismiss your anger! But from someone who has it, maybe it would be helpful to hear that kind of optimism? I got genital HSV-1 in 2006 when I was in college from a guy who performed oral sex on me and he must have had a cold sore on his mouth (I was too embarrassed to talk to him about it at the time, which I regret, but he was the only possible source.) I've hardly thought about it since that first year. HSV 1 and 2 have preferred locations: HSV-1's preference is oral, 2 is genital. So since the virus is not in its preferred location, you're less likely to get an outbreak there. I had one (and a possible second, was hard to tell) outbreak after my very first OB, and I haven't had another one since. It's been over a decade! I do keep healthy - exercise, try to get enough sleep when i can, don't drink too much alcohol, lots of water. The genital HSV-1 has simply not played any role in my life since like 2007, and this is MANY long-term relationships later. I wish you well and just wanted to give you some hope! I don't think the virus itself will be as bad as you're imagining.
  • edited February 11
    I SO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I want to jump through the computer screen and have lunch with you to commiserate. Please say you live in Utah! I'll take you out.

    One day last December after 15 years into my monogamous relationship I noticed a canker sore type spot on my labia. I assumed it was from my husband's whiskers and went about my business. At one point I checked the spot again and noticed a cluster of tiny blisters nearby. I knew I didn't cheat nor did my husband. So I didn't worry about it. But then another crop popped up and all the googling in the world couldn't provide me with any possibility other than herpes. I nor my husband have ever had any signs of HSV. Not even cold sores. However, my husband remembered a time when he was a little kid and had a sore in his mouth. Maybe that was a cold sore. Who knows. Anyway, I freaked out. I cried. I thought I failed my children (we have 2). I couldn't eat or sleep. I was terrified of spreading it to my kids. I worried about what if my husband dies and I have to enter the dating pool. I felt that it was unfair that he gets to be asymptomatic and I have outbreaks. What if I get cancer and have to deal with constant outbreaks. Or what happens when I'm old and in a retirement home. I wondered how could I be a role model for my kids when I'm walking around with herpes.

    All that garbage is the stigma talking. Hang out on this site long enough and HSV won't be so ominous to you. I promise. It's only been a couple months and although there are still a lot of "what ifs" I can honestly say I don't care that I have herpes. I actually prefer it to be on my genitals so that outbreaks aren't viewed by everyone. This has had no impact on our sex life. So far it has changed nothing!

    I am angry too, but I'm angry at our crappy sex education. This should not have been so devastating or shocking to either of us because, I know you don't want to hear it, but, it's just not a big deal. It's such an innocuous virus that the majority of people who have it don't even know. And that's a lot of people considering 90% of the population has HSV 1 or 2. When I went to my doctor I was telling her how utterly dumbfounded I was. She said she sees this a lot in long term monogamous relationships and can't believe how many people had no idea herpes could work that way. Your husband and your doctor are not down playing this. It really isn't a big deal. I now tell my husband there is no one I'd rather get herpes from and it's true. It's a small price to pay for all the awesome sex we've had!
  • I understand how u feel ! Please tell me u live in NY ! I know the anger u feeling I have hsv 2 which always genital, I would have felt a little better if it was hsv 1 since 80% of the population has that one which I already acquired orally , I didn't get it from a boyfriend o got it from casual sex which pisses me off even more there's people that have both strains genital but u gonna be fine I know u got to get over the initial shock I'm still not over the shock but u got it from
    Your husband, not a random guy, this Man U love and spending the rest of your life with
  • Hey ladies.  Sorry I haven't replied sooner.  I've been avoiding this site because I felt it was taking over my life when I was first diagnosed.  I obsessed about reading everything I could all the time, good and bad.  I felt I needed a break from it all.  I truly appreciate your words though. I wish I lived close to either of you too!  I sure could use someone to talk to about this stuff.  I haven't told anyone in my life that I was diagnosed.  I'm still horrified.  I mean I'm doing a bit better.  Some days I don't think it's that big of a deal and but most days I still feel like I've been punched in the gut when it pops into my mind.  You know that feeling. And make no mistake it crosses my mind countless times during the day. I don't think it ever won't.  But I keep keeping on because..... well I don't have a choice....
  • @pinkbutterfly, how are things going? It's been almost two months since your original post and I'm wondering how things are.
  • Hey. Thanks for checking in on me
  • WTF?!! I just wrote a massive paragraph but it only posted the first few words!!!!!! Christ!!!! Ugh I'll try again tomorrow...... sorry!!
  • It's safe to say a lot of people on here did not know how easy it is to transmit HSV1 from the mouth to down there (and vice versa, HSV2 aka genital herpes to the mouth can happen). Most people don't get symptoms. It sucks we become "educated" after-the-fact.

    Also, some people thought they were extra careful and used condoms, yet they still got it (yup, that's my example). Be thankful you have an awesome family and husband for support. You both can lean together. On the bright side, it's just an occasional "nuisance" and you don't have to worry about disclosing...you know?

    However, you both should be somewhat careful with kissing your kids...but I figure you already know how contagious cold sores are (even without symptoms).
  • I know your anger. I know your irrational rage. I know that loss of identity.
    I know what it is like to resent someone who has only ever been good to me.
    But I also know that talking about it helps.
    I talked to people here about things and it helped.
    I talked to my girlfriend about it, fires some really blunt questions at her too. It helped.
    I decided that herpes is a thing that happened. There is no malicious intentions to rise up against any more than if I had been involved in a traffic accident where no one could have prevented it.
    I vowed that I would not feel anger or respentment for long. That I would give myself permission to seek out comfort and contentment. I told my girlfriend it would take time and some effort to get there and asked her to ne patient with me. She was perfect about it.
    She was strong for me. In turn, I chose to be strong by demonstrating that I would not be angry or sad forever. That I was working to feel like myself again.
    It's been just six months, but I know already that I was right.
    I do feel like myself, but only after fighting against mountains of inner termoil amid anger and sadness that hurt every part of me.

    You will feel like yourself again. You will regain your ability to feel comforted and content.
    But you'll have to work to get there.
    Fortunately, the actual tasks aren't hard. Just the internal stuff is hard.
    Tell your husband what you need to tell him. He will understand the best he can.
    Try to find reasons to appreciate yourself, your husband and your relationship, like it seems you are already doing.
    Avoid stewing in thoughs of anger and sadness, think the thought and let it evaporate.
    Don't list the things you hate, list the things you appreciate, the things you are grateful for.
    Don't take action on those feelings of fear, anger and sadness. Instead take action on that list of things you are grateful for. Demonstrate your gratitude toward yourself, your husband, the people close to you.

    What you are feeling is real.
    It is profound.
    And you can influence it.
    Seek peace in your own mind. Seek your sense of self.

    Do the things that make you feel proud and accomplished, whatever they are.
    Make a plan to do something special for yourself soon. Whatever you may have been putting off, now is the perfect time to do it.
    Feel that small measure of self-approval grow when you donthe things that make you feel pride and accomplishment. Feel that excitement for the future build as you make plans to do that special thing for yourself.
    Tell your husband that you won't be angry or sad for very long. Just as long as it takes to feel those feelings out. And when you can, let him be there with you, helping to calm the termiol that you feel.
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