I was just diagnosed with Genital HSV-1. To say I'm shocked would be a gross understatement. I'm 43, married, been with him for 13 years and we have 2 kids together. Never in a million years did I think this would be happening to me now.
Last week during my period I had 'something' going on down there. I assumed it was just a irritation from wearing a pad on my heavy days. So I went to walk in 5 days ago to have a doctor look at it and prescribe me some cream to clear it up. Boy was I wrong! She said it looked like herpes. I bolted right up yelling 'What?!' I mean how was this possible?! I know I haven't cheated and I was certain my husband hadn't either. She asked if i got cold sores to which i replied 'No but my husband does. Although he hasn't had one in a while'. She said that didn't matter and it could be a possible source where i got it then depending on what type I had. She swabbed me, gave me a prescription for Valacyclovir and sent me on my way. After the longest 3 days of my life consisting of scouring the internet hoping, looking for another possible answer I got the call telling me I tested positive for HSV-1.
I was/am devastated. More like completely gutted to actually hear the words that I am in fact infected. I have been crying everyday since the doctor shared her suspicion that it was herpes and been SOBBING since it was confirmed. I went for an appointment yesterday and decided to do suppressive therapy. I have Acyclovir to start taking daily after I'm finished with the Valacyclovir. I also have Zovirax ointment to put on now. I have been searching the net day and night hoping to learn as much as I can about this virus.
I'm done crying but now I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off I have this. I'm pissed off I have to deal with this the rest of my life. I'm pissed off my husband gave it to me. I'm pissed off that my husband won't get it on HIS genitals because he already has the virus. I'm pissed off that he doesn't get them anymore on his lips and I am just starting my torturous journey. I'm pissed off that HE'LL never have to deal with this and I'M the one that does. I'm pissed off that I'm in pain. I'm pissed off there's this stigma that comes with this. It's ok to have a cold sore but if it's on your genitals you're disgusting. I'm pissed off when he tries to have a normal conversation with me like nothing is wrong and nothing had changed. MY whole life has changed. This will never leave my thoughts. Every twinge, every itch, every scratch, every razor burn, every little feeling I have down there will have me panicking and praying it's not an out break. I think about what happens if I have an out break on vacation. Can I even go in a pool, lake or ocean if I have open sores? I think about if my husband passes away how I'll be alone because i feel so humiliated i never want anyone to ever know i have this. I think about what is going to happen when I'm 80 and my body is falling apart. Being run down can bring them on right? I'm going to be an 80 year old with a herpes out break?? How does one manage that?!
I KNOW I have no right to be angry with my husband. He is an incredible man. He didn't cheat. Neither of us knew this could happen. In fact before we even knew what type I had he said ' whatever it is we'll figure it out and deal with it '. He truly is amazing. I KNOW this is not his fault. Yet I can't help these feelings of anger. He has been working out of town so I haven't been face to face with him since I got the news. I'll be seeing him next week. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I can't even look him in the eyes which is stupid because it's not like I cheated and got this. I got it from him! It doesn't make sense but it's how I feel. I feel distant from him. I can't talk to him on the phone anymore because i get upset talking about it or i get pissed that he's trying to act normal. I feel dirty and gross. I feel like this is who I am now. The woman with herpes. And yes I know I could never have another outbreak. I know the initial outbreak is supposedly the worst. I know there are multiple ways to try and manage this but let's be honest. There is no way of predicting how the virus will act in another person's body. There is no rhyme or reason to what this virus does. What happened with you or the majority of others is not necessarily what will happen with me. Some people have a hell of a time with this. So to hear 'oh it's just a skin condition. Oh it's just like having a cold sore down there. No big deal. Oh they get better with time ' makes me furious. I feel like my doctor and husband are trying to downplay this to try and make me feel better but all it's doing is just pissing me off. Because this IS a big deal to me. It's all easy for them to say..... they don't have this. They don't have to live with this the rest of their lives.
I'm sorry this was so long. I have so many emotions going on but I have no one to talk to. It'll be 7 days this all started. I just want this outbreak gone. It hasn't scabbed yet. Shouldn't it have? I don't know what I'm doing or what to do. I feel so lost. Ok maybe I'm not done crying....