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How to truly move on...


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One thing I have ALWAYS struggled with in moving on from partners. In the case of the man I believe (but can not know for certain) was my giver of herpes it has been particularly difficult. I am still in the process of forgiving myself for the sexual choices I made with this partner. I like to remind myself that 1) we discussed being negative for STIs before not using a condom and 2) there is no for sure way to know it was him. Add in the fact that even if he had been tested recently...herpes most likely wouldn't have been included anyways. In the end there is only so much you can do to protect yourself...but I still have some self loathing for the choice I made to not use a condom.

 

I knew from the get go that this man was not compatible for me for long term dating for multiple reasons. But the attraction was high and when we did become intimate...the sex was great. I came to find out maybe 6 months after we stopped sleeping together, a few months after finding out I carry HSV2, that not only had he been an escort, but that he was also pimping out his new girlfriend. I did not tell him I was HSV2 positive when I found out because 1) I was terrified and 2) I didnt believe he would either admit to having it or admit the possibility he is a carrier and doesnt know. I was in such a bad place emotionally the thought of a man being insensitive or hurtful was too much to face and really still is.

 

I did confront him about the escorting and told myself if he was honest about it I would tell him about the herpes. He denied it flat out...even though I found his name, picture and phone number on escorting sites. I never asked about the new gf who was also prostituting and his number was associated with her profiles so he had to know about it/be apart of the process.

 

I am in a way better place emotionally now after a lot of reflection and even some sessions with Adrial. I feel confident about my decision to disclose to partners and don’t feel ashamed of my HSV status. But I still find myself wondering and checking in on both the potential giver and his new gf. I will be great for long periods of time and then give in and check whether they are still together or see if anything has changed.

 

It bothers me so much that I have not...in the 10 months since I last slept with him...been able to move on. I have a new wonderful partner who knows and doesn't care about the HSV. I don’t yearn to be with this man romantically or even sexually anymore. I don’t know if I am angry that he potentially could've exposed me. I don’t know if I just want him to be single because I am. I don’t know if I am unsettled because I never confronted him about the possibility he may have exposed me to HSV and that he lied about his escorting past.

 

This man is not someone I want to be with. Not only was his personality not what I am looking for but I know without a doubt he is a liar and a cheater. So why do I still have the urge to check in one him? I want to badly to move on and not care...its so hard though

 

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