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Caring for the feelings of my HSV2+ partner


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Hi everyone! I'm hoping for some advice and some feedback that would help me better support my HSV2+ partner.

 

I've been in an incredible relationship with an HSV2+ man for the past 9 months. He disclosed to me right away, and it was an a fairly easy decision to keep seeing him, and to take the recommended precautions to avoid transmission. He takes antiviral medication, we use condoms, and we avoid sex during outbreaks. We do not use condoms for oral sex and have had unprotected sex a couple of times. I do have HSV1, which I've had for years, and have not contracted HSV2 (as of an STD test a month ago). We have incredible sex, and very often, and I never think about the fact that he has herpes unless of course he tells me there's an outbreak.

 

Recently he expressed how sad and insecure it makes him feel to continually have mini-disclosure conversations when he's having an outbreak. He views this as a necessary part of being in a discordant relationship, and only admitted this was how he was feeling after I sensed he was feeling off and asked him to talk to me about it. Imagining the emotional toll this takes on him and the little rejection he feels every time he has an outbreak and we don't have sex makes me so sad. I asked how I could support him in holding this emotional load, and he gave me one piece of feedback. He mentioned that after outbreaks are over, I sometimes still want to wait a couple of days just to be safe, and this makes him feel like he's being punished for having it, or that I have lingering disgust about the infection even after the outbreak is gone. I do not feel this way at all. I've read that asymptomatic shedding can still happen days after an outbreak has cleared and I want to be cautious. He says he respects whatever I need to do for myself and my health, but that this comes between our intimacy is hard.

 

I really want to strike the right balance between being cautious and doing what I need to do for myself and completely and wholly accepting my partner. I'm receptive to the feedback that I'm being too cautious, but I don't really know what's appropriate, since this is the first time I've been in this situation. I believe that herpes is mostly stigma and if the relationship were to become marriage-serious, contracting the disease wouldn't be a huge deal if I planned to be with this person for the rest of my life. I don't want him to feel like I'm disgusted with him, ever, and I don't want him to feel like he's being punished. Does anyone have any advice for me on caring for his feelings?

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I personally don’t understand how he could feel “punished” if you’re waiting a couple days after he has an outbreak (which is what you should be doing to prevent transmission!) I have HSV and I make my partner wait a week after my outbreaks clear before having sex again because we’re discordant and I want to keep it that way lol. Idk if I’m just reading it the wrong way, but him saying he feels punished when you are making a decision that regards your own health sounds kind of manipulative to me. Herpes isn’t a big deal, but I’d expect him to be a bit more cognizant of making sure he doesn’t transmit it to you. That being said, I’d talk to him about it. Tell him you really care for him, but to be on the safe side you want to wait a few days after his OB has cleared before having sex again. It’s not because you think he’s gross at all, it’s just because you’d like to minimize the risk of transmission and hsv sheds for a few days after an OB has healed. If he doesn’t understand that, then that’s a whole other issue that needs to be addressed!

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@beakind I am the one in my marriage of over 21 yrs with hvs2. Have not passed this on after all these yrs. nor to a previous relatiinship. I only went on anti viral about 1 and a half yrs ago just to take my 6 ob's per yr down to zero which has happened. My husband (upon our first date...after my disclosure) promised he'd be the last person I'd ever have to tell and we went from there. We never discuse it!!! I never think about it. He, however, chose to always wear a condom during intercourse and we have oral without protection of any kind and more often oral than intercourse ( who would ever argue with that?). I feel perfectly fine everyday that I made my choice to disclose and he made his choice to use condoms. We are both ok with our decisions and have had a great relationship which involves traveling the world, great family and friends!!! He loves me unconditionally and that's all I can ask!

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@beakind Is he already taking the suppressive dose of antivirals daily? Or is he taking half that dose daily to reduce transmission? If he's taking the half dose that is meant to reduce transmission risk and still getting outbreaks, perhaps he might consider discussing increasing the dose with his doctor. I don't know which type he's taking but in the case of Valtrex, this is a difference of taking 1000mg per day vs. 500mg per day.

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  • 1 month later...

@Jack101 just saw this question so no idea how long ago you posted it. Yes, he's been checked for both and completely neg. He chooses to wear them and I don't think it bothers him at all to do so.....he's never complained. As I mentioned, oral is most often the preferred act.

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