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From rejected to accepted in 3 days...


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For those who haven’t read any of my other discussions, a few weeks ago I was rejected by somebody who had initially told me they were OK with my HSV status. I was devastated. I had ignored some warning signs and been going along with the possibility of being intimate because there was some chemistry and to be totally blunt, I wanted to get laid.

 

Fast forward a few days and I am texting one weekend morning with a man who has been in my life a few years now. We have intense chemistry but have never explored any kind of physical relationship in part because we work for the same organization (but never see one another). We had spoken a few times over the previous weeks and had discussed our longing to be physical with one another but I was completely terrified to disclose to him. He is 16 years older than me and I was worried he would not be comfortable with my HSV status. This one morning in particular I decided fuck it, I’m just going to tell him what the situation is because I had alluded to there being something we would need to talk about if anything ever did happen between us.

 

So I disclosed. He was surprised and said he didn’t know what to ask. I thought “ok for sure this guy who i have always wanted to sleep with and have the most amazing chemistry with is about to reject me”. But at the same time i was driving myself crazy flirting with this man who potentially could have zero interest in me post disclosure. In other words I wanted to get it over with and move forward whatever his reaction was.

 

I asked him if based on his initial feelings if he thought he would be comfortable with it. He said he didn’t know because he didn’t know what the risks were. I told him the statistics and you know what his next two statements were?

“Wow you have done your research!”

“I would still like to be next to you”

 

I was honestly astonished at his reaction. Here is a man who has never had a woman disclose an STI status before in his 44 years of life, and his initial response is I still want you to be next to me. Fast forward a half hour and I am laying on his couch with him snuggling and watching Narcos lol. We did end up becoming intimate and it was amazing. It made me so very thankful that the universe had not allowed me to engage with the guy who had chosen to reject me. Everything fell into place exactly as it needed to with a man I not only have intense chemistry with, but also is someone I can trust and who I know respects and cares for me.

 

We have been intimate a few times now. After the initial time we discussed a few hours later by text being very open and honest with one another and he said he absolutely wants to continue to see me. Since our initial discussion he has not brought up my HSV again.

 

I am hoping my story gives people encouragement to continue making progress down the herpes road. There will of course be bumps along the way but my recommendation is to find your moral compass and stick to it. Since I made the decision to disclose and actually started disclosing, I have not felt one shred of guilt or anguish over that decision. Sure it’s not easy to face possible rejection, but for me holding tight to my morals is what it most important. So while it lead me to rejection, it also lead me to this really amazing new partner who has not been phased even slightly by HSV

 

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This is beautiful (and sounds super intense)! Just another reminder that when you follow your integrity, and you trust that the right person will truly see YOU and not herpes, the world changes. It's no longer a dealbreaker, but instead your honesty and connection become the opportunities to go deeper and explore that intense connection! Woot! Enjoy ... (sounds like you already have) ;)

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This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

@Tere3 He didn't know what the risk of transmission was so I told him...

If we have sex with no condom and no antiviral the risk is 4%

With a condom or antiviral its 2%

With both (as in the case with me) it would be 1%

 

There are people will will freak at the word herpes regardless of the minimal transmission risk. They simply cant move past the thought of sleeping with someone who knows they are positive. They would rather keep a blindfold on and risk it with people who don't know their status.

 

I haven't discussed my HSV again with this guy so I don't know what his thought process was when deciding it wasn't a dealbreaker. But I imagine (and hope) when he heard the risk was 1% he thought its such a small risk and I still really want to be intimate with this person that it doesn't bother me to the point of rejecting her.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 5 months later...

YESSS This is the kind of stories I live for. GO YOU! So awesome. I hope it continues on wonderfully! 

And @Next step there's a lot to be said by the last few statements: some people do "freak out" about the simple word "herpes" or HSV and would rather take their chances not knowing if a partner has it... therefore a lot of people end up getting it and transmitting it without knowing it, for years or decades at a time. Especially mild cases. Knowing your positive may scare some people away, but it does give them the right to choose, instead of ending up here like many of us- unknowingly contracting it from someone who otherwise took their chances due to fear of the stigma.

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I feel like I need to make an amendment to this post haha. My initial experience with this guy was great. We continued to communicate for a few weeks and slept together again. Then he ghosted me. 

It was a very difficult situation because I thought I could trust him. As you see above I was very happy about how it worked out initially and thought we had both agreed to be honest with one another. But that didn’t happen.  In the end he eventually told me he had met someone and he didn’t have to balls to tell me. He was nice about it when we talked, but who knows if that is the truth. Maybe he wasn’t interested anymore. Maybe he decided he wasn’t ok with the herpes. Or maybe he did meet someone. I’ll never know the truth. 

While this situation definitely didn’t conclude the way I wish it would have, it was still an important lesson for me. There were some red flags as to how he handled himself, and also I knew the risks going into it that I may have to see him again if it ended badly. But you live and you learn. 

One major thing I learned from this, is that making choices sexually based purely on emotions, is a bad idea. The fact is I was in a vulnerable place when we slept together. I was feeling rejected and it felt SO GOOD to be wanted by someone. I don’t regret sleeping with him because i learned a lesson and the times we were together he was respectful and made me feel wanted. But in he end it was a disappointing experience. 

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@Next step will do! To be honest I felt totally embarrassed at having made this post and that the guy ended up not treating me right. I was so embarrassed that even though I was angry at him, I let him give his explanation and said we should keep things friendly since we might have to see one another around and he was of course on board for that. I wanted SO BADLY to have 100% positive feelings about my experience with him. But just recently I realized I was still majorly struggling with the fact that I wasn’t honest with him about how he hurt me. It was bothering me so much because i have spent the last year developing myself into the most authentic person I’ve ever been. Ive chosen honesty in the face of rejection. And smoothing things over with him and playing nice just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t honest, it wasn’t authentic to my feelings. 

I ended up writing him a short and to the point text where I told him I didn’t have friendly feelings towards him and I felt he treated me like garbage. That I only said we should be friendly because I was so hurt and humiliated. I told him I didn’t expect a response, in part because I knew I wouldn’t get one. But also because sending that text was as much for me as it was for him. I needed him to know he fucked up. He was wrong. And I feel better knowing he knows my truth 

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On 9/4/2018 at 6:00 PM, Next step said:

@FreeSpiriting i agree however if the risks are really that low how did a lot of us end up here? This is where I get so perplexed! 

This is what stumps me as well, but then I keep in mind majority of people with the virus have no clue, so the statistic of 1in 4 or so women and 1 in 5 or so men in the US having herpes is actually more because we can't count for the people that don't know... Which is extremely comforting on the stigma level of it. I also keep in mind the sad fact about people who do know because of positive test results or one's that know because they've noticed symptoms but neglected testing due to fear, and are out there irresponsibly having sex without disclosure... and the one's not getting tested aren't getting the right treatment or advice on what to do are actually posing more risk. I'm not sure if the guy that passed it to me is aware as I ran so fast from the situation, but I almost feel as if he was because of how he went about our hook up. It still angers me that someone could so intentionally do this. I understand the fear of spreading it, but he wanted to get out of taking sexual precautions and jumps around to so many girls. 

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11 hours ago, annalove said:

@Next step will do! To be honest I felt totally embarrassed at having made this post and that the guy ended up not treating me right. I was so embarrassed that even though I was angry at him, I let him give his explanation and said we should keep things friendly since we might have to see one another around and he was of course on board for that. I wanted SO BADLY to have 100% positive feelings about my experience with him. But just recently I realized I was still majorly struggling with the fact that I wasn’t honest with him about how he hurt me. It was bothering me so much because i have spent the last year developing myself into the most authentic person I’ve ever been. Ive chosen honesty in the face of rejection. And smoothing things over with him and playing nice just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t honest, it wasn’t authentic to my feelings. 

I ended up writing him a short and to the point text where I told him I didn’t have friendly feelings towards him and I felt he treated me like garbage. That I only said we should be friendly because I was so hurt and humiliated. I told him I didn’t expect a response, in part because I knew I wouldn’t get one. But also because sending that text was as much for me as it was for him. I needed him to know he fucked up. He was wrong. And I feel better knowing he knows my truth 

Ugh, I'm nervous this will happen to me... my problem is I can't tell if I'm making my decision baed on my emotions to dealing with this or if I really want to be with my ex. That is the only thing holding me back from being sexual and disclosing at this point. I don't want to open myself up completely to someone I care for so much and be destroyed with rejection but I can't tell if its just the rejection part im worried about or him too.. I'm so messed up with these feelings 

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@Next step I totally understand where you are coming from...the fear of rejection can cause you to run back to people you know aren't right for you long term. I seriously have flirted with the idea of being sexual again with the guy I am 99% sure gave me herpes. And this guy has risky sexual history as I found out (post diagnosis) he was a male escort and is currently dating a prostitute. But that nagging voice in my head said that he was a good option simply because of the fact he knows and is comfortable with my status. 

Logical thinking seems to go out the window when we are in the depths of despair and thinking really negatively about herpes. In those moments it doesn't matter that he treated me poorly, he probably knowingly exposed me to herpes and he is currently still engaging in risky sexual behavior. All that seems to matter is sex makes me feel good about myself and so I want to figure out a way to get that. 

One thing I can say is the worst case scenario with your ex (or any potential romantic or sexual partner) is he isnt cool with your status. That would suck, it would hurt. But it allows you to move on and know that he never loved you completely because if he did, he wouldn't care so much about herpes. Think about it. If someone told you before you had herpes they would connect you with the love of your life, someone you would spend the next 50 years happily partnered with, but they have herpes....would you let that go? I think most people would say no because in the end, herpes is a skin condition. It doesnt prevent you from creating a life with another person. 

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