Advice please - dating someone with HSV1 & I think I may have really effed up

Started dating a man with HSV1, he’s 50 and has had it since he was a teen. He’s a really great guy. He was extremely patient with me about waiting to have sex, explained the risks (though, he’s never infected anyone) and mentioned that all of his prior relationships have been without condoms (but unprotected sex has only in monogamous relationships). He also made a point of saying that there would be times when we wouldn’t be able to do anything (implying this would be the case during an outbreak).

We finally slept together - it was great, and soon after our first time together, we stopped using condoms (I understand the risks). After one particularly great session, I made a comment that “we should f*ck all the time!” - which was truly just an attempt at expressing how much I enjoyed it (perhaps inartfully). He didn’t respond right away, but eventually did saying something like, “yeah that would be nice.” I didn’t think anything of it until the next morning when he was unusually distant.

We made small talk over coffee in the morning, but he seemed a bit preoccupied. At one point, I could have sworn I heard him say, “that’s why I love ya” in response to something I said (which I honestly can't remember what it was I said) - but it wasn’t clear, sort of mumbled, and I immediately assumed I misunderstood and it was just my ears playing tricks on me, because we’ve only been dating a little over 2 months, so I didn’t react to what he said - whatever it was.

He remains distant, almost hesitant or cautious, in his communication with me and I haven't seen him since that morning. I suggested plans for the following weekend and he said he had family stuff and couldn't. He’s still initiating contact, but not making plans to see me, and it feels less flirty. Before this happened, we would always see each other at least once a week. It will be two weeks since the incident this weekend, and no indication that he would like to see me.

My question is, was my comment about “f*cking all the time” insensitive or triggering in any way to someone with HSV1? It truly didn’t occur to me when I said it, that I was saying it to someone who has had to approach sex differently from someone without the virus, and that it may have given him the impression that I’m only interested in him as a casual sex partner. I plan to talk to him, but have been trying to give him his space at the moment. I also want to make sure that when I do speak to him, that I do so with compassion and understanding. This is all very new to me, and I don’t want to screw this up.

He’s been open, honest and up to this point, hasn’t held back from sharing his feelings for me. Of course, it’s also possible that I freaked him out because he thought I was trying to trap him in relationship too soon. I honestly don’t know. I would normally ask friends for advice, but I won’t betray his confidence by revealing such personal information about him.

TLDR; was my comment about wanting to sleep with HSV1 guy “all the time” a triggering statement? Any gut reactions and advice from the people on this forum would be greatly appreciated.

It could be. I personally feel instant shame whenever herpes is brought up in conversation or joked about. I would do what's best for any "oops" moment in a relationship, herpes related or not, and talk to him about it openly. "This is what I meant by my comment. This is what I fear you may have thought about it, and I'm sorry if that's true. I never meant to hurt you, please let me know your thoughts so that I can be more cognizant in the future."

^^^^Ditto. Talk to him about it. Maybe it was triggering, but maybe it was something totally unrelated.

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts. But I do want to clarify something @HighwayQueen said; I never brought up the word "herpes" and definitely didn't joke about it. Do you mean that he may have seen it as a joke? If so, yikes!

And agreed that I need to talk to him, which I will do this week. He sent a funny meme this weekend, which I replied to, but that was the extent of our text exchange. So it's really a bizarre situation and it's confusing AF. Was starting to think he was ghosting, but it seems so out of character for him. I don't know if I did something to remind him of a negative experience with a former partner, triggered some anxiety or insecurity, freaked him out because maybe he actually only wants something super casual and wants to date other women.

Thanks again for your insight.

IMHO, I don’t consider your comment a trigger—just a compliment. For all we know, his distance is totally unrelated to the comment.

So sorry that this took me so long to respond to- I definitely didn't mean that you made a joke! I just mean that any joke that I personally hear about herpes is triggering and I do my best to mask it and not react. The correlation that I was trying to make is that maybe the comment in question had a similar effect, though Hiking Girl is right, it may be something else entirely. Did you ever figure things out?

Hi @HighwayQueen - I think you and @HikingGirl were right. I spoke to him the same week I of my initial post; saw him in person and he insisted that his distance was work related and not anything I did. Kissed me like normal but made an excuse for why he couldn't spend the night. He continued to make excuses for not spending the night several times after that. Then it hit me; the only other time his demeanor was similar to the morning after when he first became distant, was when he shared his status with me. Pretty sure he woke up feeling the onset of an OB and was scared to tell me because we slept together the night before, and my best guess is he was worried that he may have passed it on to me. Things are back to normal now. I searched online and found quite a few guys on other forums saying that sex is a major trigger for their OBs. I don't know how to talk to him about this because he didn't address it and TBH, I kind of avoid discussing the topic with him because I really don't want him to think that it's consuming my thoughts or top of mind when I think of him - I really can't stand the thought of making him feel insecure. The look on his face when he first shared with me and the only other time we've talked about it - he looked like he was just waiting to be rejected and that was absolutely crushing.