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Feeling so overwhelmed


nanhah

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I have been struggling with my situation, and am in need of some support from people who understand. So I have here for you a very long and complicated story to tell. I recently found out I have (most likely) contracted herpes, unsure which type. A little over a month ago I discovered a small bump on my labia, and being regularly paranoid I went to the doctor to get a check up and STD screening. She said that the bump was too small to worry about, and all my tests came back negative. A few weeks later, I found out from an ex partner (together for the three months prior)he had passed on hsv to a new partner. I immediately panicked, and checked my results to see that they had not tested for herpes. Almost the day after hearing this prodromal symptoms set in, and by the day of my 19th birthday, with a little research I was positive I had contracted hsv. I was put on valcyclovir before my blood tests came back. I had only one small sore but awful lower back, nerve, pain, fever, thrush etc. The 10-12 days were some of the hardest of my life. Having contracted this at such a young age (18) made me feel awful about myself. I have had an admittedly promiscuous past, and blamed myself for not valuing my own body and health, and for not being educated about the risks involved. All I could think about was what I had done to myself, and how if only I could take back my actions I would have a much better quality of life. When my symptoms started to clear, I finally got my original blood test back, and results were negative. I was now even more confused, though slightly relieved. I got back into my groove, and had a more positive outlook. After a particularly wild night out with old friends, I found myself in an awful situation. I had unprotected sex with a partner while still having straggling symptoms of my outbreak. I was incoherently drunk, but still felt immediate remorse and immense regret upon waking the next day... We ended up spending the next few days together, and to make matters worse, me and this guy actually had a spark. Having only ever been in casual relationships before, I had never felt this way towards someone. The few days after we had sex my symptoms seemed to get worse. I was falling for him, and realizing I had most likely just given him a life long disease. I told him I had tested negative. He has anxiety problems, and had a panic attack, but was still committed to a relationship with me, though I admittedly did not disclose the extent of my outbreaks. I still can not believe something like this has happened to me, and that the only prospect of a relationship I have ever cared about coincided with my first outbreak of herpes. We live on opposite sides of the country, and he has plans to come and see me soon. I still can not come to terms with the situation. After my symptoms returned, I restarted medication and saw another doctor, who told me I was only experiencing eczema at the time. A few days after that appointment I caught a cold and developed another papule. Irritated vulva etc returned, and now I can feel another, larger blister forming on the inside of my labia. It seems I have been having a constant outbreak of some sort for over a month. Possibly triggered by hormones, or by a weakened immune system from the cold. I am terrified to lose him, and I have so much guilt towards what I have done to myself and most likely to him. I can't keep up a relationship hiding this, I know, but I am scared he will suffer panic attacks, especially since the more I share with him the more likely he will realize it is that he has contracted it. He has not mentioned any symptoms. I am at a loss of how to deal with the situation. If you have read this far thank you so much, I hope to hear some guiding words. This forum has helped me so much with trying to accept myself, and my new life with hsv.

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Well look into your results to see if you even have it and see the type, I know how u felt I was 21 when I found out of nowhere I'm 22 I'm pretty sure I contracted it when I was 20 or 19, I said the same thing why I didn't be more careful why did the damn hospital never tested me for hsv, WHY WHY WHY , I wish I can go back , I would say this over and over in my head every day since my diagnosis, but u don't have to look at this like a "lifelongdisease" my doctor simply told me it's like a common cold virus even less harmless than a common cold virus , we all have common cold viruses and that's not curable hsv is pretty much the same , you just have to have below the waist contact w someone to get it, it's literally a chicken pox virus pretty much , and life is too short to stress of hsv , there's so many people with other problems health problems that wish they can trade it for hsv , genital herpes is more common than diabetes and diabetes is common, justknow I understand how u feel and u not alone

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When it feels really scary to be honest with someone, it usually means it’s especially important to do so. I know you’re worried he may have a panic attack and not want to continue the relationship. That’s entirely possible. The only thing worse than not having him in your life is not being able to sleep at night because you’re not being honest with yourself and losing respect for yourself. {{{hugs}}}

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