I'm in love with an HSV2+ girl

Hey guys - I'm new here and new to this particular experience that I am about to share. I'm not looking for any hateful comments and I truly come in peace and am searching for some help/advice.

About 3 months ago, I started talking to this woman online. We hit it off right away. Pretty soon, we were talking/texting every day and learning and sharing more with each other (we couldn't see each other every day because she lives in the next state over). She is a wonderful woman and has a lot of amazing qualities that I look for in a girlfriend/partner/wife. She's caring, loving, understanding, sensitive, respectful, smart, beautiful inside and out, takes good physical care of herself, she's good with her money, and she can hold her own as well. We both share a lot of things in common, including a mutual physical disability, and want the same things out of life. Despite our disabilities, we're both very capable, working professionals with good heads on our shoulders. Within a month and a half or so, I realized I was falling in love with her. Part of me was quite surprised someone as lovely as her was willing to take a chance on me and appreciate me for who I am.

After about a week or two of getting to know her, she mentioned to me that she has genital herpes (HSV2). She's had it for almost 13 years now - she got it from a past boyfriend who cheated on her. I do not have herpes nor ever envisioned having it. The old me would have ran for the hills if I heard that from a potential partner. Now that I'm a bit older (we're both in our 30s), I looked past it in the sense that I was really glad she told me about it and I still wanted to get to know her better. When she disclosed it to me, the first thing that went through my mind was "Wow! She is a quality woman." She was brave enough to tell me and it made me respect her that much more. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have herpes who either don't know they have it or just neglect to tell people for fear of rejection.

Fast forward another month and she came down to visit me for the first time over a long weekend. During that time our feelings for one another became that much more strong and our chemistry was undeniable. We even told each other "I love you" for the first time. We were romantic, but we did not have sex. What I can tell hurt her a bit (and I felt bad about it) was that she was able to do more with me physically than I was willing to do physically with her. As much as I wanted to reciprocate, I felt like I needed to be extremely careful around her genital region. The fear sort of took over me at one point during the weekend - One night I woke up to a nightmare that I contracted herpes and was so scared to tell my parents or anybody about it. Part of me still thinks that if I ever contract it, it's a secret I'll have to take to the grave with me. I couldn't imagine telling my parents that I contracted this from someone I love. I've talked to my parents about how great she is, but I've yet to tell them about her herpes (and I'd prefer not to right now). She did mention to me that the last thing she wanted is a relationship where the guy is afraid to touch her down there or do stuff with her. That said, she also didn't pressure me and that she was willing to wait for me (but I don't think she wants to wait too long). The other issue is that due to her paraplegia, she cannot feel below her waist, and she cannot warn me if there is an outbreak unless she sees it (at which point that might be too late).

I did my due diligence prior to having her over and during that weekend, she let me ask her a few questions about herpes - what it was like living with it, has she had other relationships with people since then, etc. - and that sort of quelled my concerns a bit. However, I still had some concerns.

I mentioned to her that if I did determine that she was the one for me, I could look past the herpes and the risk of getting it would not outweigh the benefit of sharing a life with her. However, given that all my past relationships didn't work out, I also feel this need to protect myself as well in case we don't stay together. It's difficult enough to find somebody with all of the qualities that I look for in a woman. It's even harder to find a woman that can look past a man with a visible physical disability and I would think it would be next to impossible to find a woman that can look past a man with not only a visible physical disability, but herpes as well. And given that I'm a responsible guy, I'd have to tell every partner after her that I have herpes. The thought of that hurts me a lot. The other thing is that she's had past relationships with guys who look past her herpes as if it isn't as big of a deal (though she mentioned she's never had the kind of connection that she has with me). She's good looking, smart, and awesome so getting dates probably isn't so hard for her. Plus, I feel like guys in general can look past herpes or other afflictions much more than women can.

I love this woman dearly and I really do want to be with her. We've both expressed to each other about how positive a future with one another could be. If she didn't have herpes or if I had it already, I would have absolutely no qualms about anything with her. But I can only wonder how long this relationship might last and if I can overcome this fear. Any advice would be much appreciated, especially from couples where one partner has HSV2 and the other does not.

Have you been tested to ensure you don't yet have it yourself? In most cases, I think the drawbacks of testing outweigh the benefits, but this seems like a case where you might want to consider it. Also, bear in mind about 1/3 of single women her age in the U.S. have HSV2, most just don't know it, so she may actually present less risk of transmitting HSV2 than another partner of unknown status if she takes any precautions such as daily antivirals.

Having said all that, if you find anxiety continues to get in the way of intimacy, it's okay to consider it a simple incompatibility worthy of moving on. As she said, she needs to be with someone who feels free and uninhibited in their intimacy with her. Likewise, you need to be with someone you can feel free to be intimate with.

Welcome, @striker0920. There have definitely been others in your shoes who have posted here. I recommend using the search bar on this page to type in a few key words to see if you can find them.

I guess the only thing I would add to what has already been said is that there isn’t any guarantees with HSV and aside from the unwarranted and ridiculous social stigma, I think one of the most difficult mental blocks with people is not being able to control the outcome. Maybe you’d spend the next 40 years together in bliss. Maybe not. Maybe you’d acquire HSV and join the majority who have no noticeable symptoms. Or maybe not. You’re not guaranteed to get HSV, by the way. I acquired HSV1 and HSV2 before I was married but didn’t know it until I had a surprise diagnosis after my divorce. My ex-husband later tested negative and we were together for 16 years using no precautions whatsoever. There’s also no guarantees about future partners being HSV negative. I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter which direction you go, you’re kidding yourself if you think one direction is safe and will protect yourself, while the other direction is full of risk and consequences. Every direction, every option we have in life comes with risk, uncertainty and consequences. Good luck.