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positive guide to herpes disclosure






 

 

Devistated

I just realized I have hsv1. When i was told that I have been in contact with it from a blood test, i was relieved it wasnt hsv2. Thinking it was just those stupid cold sores we got as kids. Now a year and a half later I am getting flu like symptoms, yeast infection, no sores down below yet, but scared to death they will follow. Im worried about my kids. My ex has been trying to get back together after being seperated then divorced 2 years, i was kissing him last night, at the end of the night I broke out a cold sore. My heart hurts so bad, I dont even know how to tell him. He knows I was with someone while we were seperated but this didnt come back up til now. When i talked to the Dr again she just now said it could be either or (upper or lower). I just want to throw up. I dont really know how often to expect breakouts, how difficult it will be or anything alike. This board is scaring the hell out of me. I had already decided I want to take my marraige back and my life is ruined. His immune system couldnt handle this, he has psyorieses. Could he get fired from his job if he has this? He has a good job he worked hard to get and ive ruined it all just from one stupid mistake after we seprated. I would rather die than tell him

Comments

  • edited January 17
    Because he is an adult, it is likely he already has HSV1 as the majority of adults do. In the U.S., about 70-90% of people contract HSV1 and 40% of people contract HSV2 over the course of a lifetime. Many factors go into where someone gets infected, which type(s) they get infected with, and whether they ever have symptoms. A very significant number of people contract oral herpes as children through non-sexual contact. Those who do not already have it upon becoming sexually active are vulnerable to contracting it either orally or genitally (sometimes both at the same time) after becoming sexually active.

    It's my impression that the standard for people with oral herpes is to abstain from contact during outbreaks and not worry about it otherwise as doing so would compromise quality of life. Some people choose to take antivirals either because they get frequent outbreaks or they know certain unavoidable things trigger outbreaks for them, or they want to reduce transmission risk. Some people use barriers for oral sex if they know they have oral herpes but I would guess that's uncommon. It is recommended in general for STI prevention yet I suspect it is uncommon. I have never encountered it myself.

    If you are concerned about this latest interaction with your ex, perhaps you could ask him if he has ever had a cold sore before. If he has, you can stop worrying. If he hasn't, you can tell him you are occasionally getting cold sores and that you will abstain from contact when you have outbreaks. If you are particularly concerned about his immune system, you could consider taking daily antivirals if he has no history of cold sores.
  • He already told me he dpesnt get cold sores. My kids, are they gping to be labeled for life?
  • As far as i know i havent broken out down there but i have fever like symptoms cant sleep and one hell of a yeast infection that burns. Is this Hvs2?
  • edited January 17
    HSV1 is very common among children. In the U.S., by the age of 5, over 35% of black children and 18% of white children are infected by HSV-1. These rates continue to increase through childhood and adulthood. By the age of 40, both blacks and whites have a similar prevalence of antibodies, with 70 to 80% having HSV-1.

    As for whether you have HSV2, I don't know. Most people who contract HSV2 don't notice they have it, especially if they had HSV1 before contracting HSV2. It is less likely than genital HSV1 to cause a noticeable outbreak upon contracting it, though more likely than genital HSV1 to cause recurring outbreaks for those who do have symptoms. By my age (late 40s), 55% of single/divorced/widowed women have HSV2 yet most are unaware. The only way to know for sure is to get tested. The CDC does not recommend testing in the absence of symptoms, unless you are proactively partner testing to avoid HSV acquisition, but it's an option. Perhaps you could consult a doctor about your current symptoms since it sounds like you could benefit from treatment, regardless of the cause (yeast infection, etc.).

  • Yeah i made it til 49, and a weak immune system. Im devistated and i think i am going to have to be next to ER as I tell my ex what has happened. He has a temper.
  • Please, please bear in mind that 94% of people your age in the U.S. have at least one type of HSV (either HSV1 or HSV2), and some have both. What is uncommon at 49 is NOT to have it. If you are afraid of your ex's temper, that seems like a significantly bigger problem than HSV. If you are not comfortable discussing it with him due to his temper, especially considering your ER comment, I would advise not only *not* discussing it with him but also not considering reconciliation, regardless of HSV status. Please be safe and take care of yourself and your kids.
  • optimist said:

    Please, please bear in mind that 94% of people your age in the U.S. have at least one type of HSV (either HSV1 or HSV2), and some have both. What is uncommon at 49 is NOT to have it. If you are afraid of your ex's temper, that seems like a significantly bigger problem than HSV. If you are not comfortable discussing it with him due to his temper, especially considering your ER comment, I would advise not only *not* discussing it with him but also not considering reconciliation, regardless of HSV status. Please be safe and take care of yourself and your kids.

    I second all of that.
  • I can see why you say that but its more my problem than his. Getting past the word "herpies" is the worst for me. He may get a little upset or he may not at all but if I had the choice myself before sexual contact, it may not be a deal breaker but I surely wouldn't ask for it. Its definately very psycological for me, I dont know about him. When i told him I went to visit a friend over night, the family had herpies he didnt look happy AT ALL. More of a shocker.

    So far I have only broke out on my face. TMI but I went for an exam because I was on fire down below. They didnt find anything, yeast or anything else. I thought yeast was common during an outbreak. I was told I am type one. I dont think I have sores down below but I am still not comfortable. I talked to a nurse practitioner, she says type 1 is not type 2, it doesnt just turn into 2. I still feel like I have to tell him because I will suddenly bust out sores down there if i dont, by than it will be to late. I have held off from any sexual contact other than kissing. He knows i had them on my face and didnt care but it bothered me so badly i didnt want to kiss him.
    This is not going to be a fun ride. I look at people and I havent seen a cold sore on someones face in years. It wouldnt be so bad if the two werent associated with STD. I really dont know what to think of all of this, its driving me crazy and I feel so ashamed of what I did. I get it that I am human and I didnt do anything more than alot of people would do after 15 years of marraige. He even wore a condom. I am just ashaned that I wasnt fully divorced before I went off on my own and I dont feel as pure as i did before. It makes me feel dirty. I am not saying ppl with herpies are dirty because ppl get them in different ways and it isnt always because they did something wrong. So please dont be offended by what I say what i feel. I am mad at myself for not being more careful. Mad at him for endulging and didnt tell me til after the fact. Im just mad. Sorry, i kinda went on a rant.
  • @dumbdumb....

    Your kids will not be labeled for life. Don’t kiss them if you have a cold sore, but otherwise, no additional precautions are needed. Chances are, they’ll get oral HSV1 from someone, someday (if they don’t already have it) and life will continue to be very normal for them.

    Do not assume you have genital HSV1. The symptoms you’re experiencing could be lots of different things. Unfortunately, we can’t make a diagnosis here on these forums. Go see a different doctor. If yours can’t figure out what is causing the discomfort, a different doctor will.

    The reason you don’t see cold sores very often is because most people with oral HSV1 don’t get cold sores or any other symptoms. The majority of adults already have oral HSV1, and only a third of them will ever have a cold sore. This means that it is extremely likely that even though your ex doesn’t get cold sores, he could still already have oral HSV1. For that matter, you don’t know that you got HSV from a previous partner. For all you know you could have gotten HSV from your ex-husband and you simply never got symptoms until now. It happens all the time. Or you may have picked it up as a kid.

    You said the impact of your diagnosis was primarily psychological. Getting educated on the facts about herpes (this link is a great start: https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/) really helps.

    The herpes virus does not care who you are, who you slept with, and what your marital status was when you slept with them. It’s a common virus which has been around for thousands of years and is simply looking for a place to live. Just like the common cold, the flu, or the chicken pox doesn’t make you dirty, neither does herpes. That’s the stigma talking—not the facts. All of us learned that stigma from friends, family, television, movies, religion, advertisements, and other influences when we were growing up. It’s hard work to un-learn it, but it is possible and I promise you it is worth the effort.

    Finally, as someone who is now three years divorced from a man who “has a temper,” please reconsider your plans to reconcile with your ex. Two years is just enough time to start forgetting why you split in the first place and how miserable it was to be together. You deserve better.

  • Thank you for all the replies, its much appreciated. My councilor says dont tell him since its hsv1, she says i will devistate him for no reason.
  • I just want to echo what others have said. If you need to be near an ER (I'm assuming you mean emergency room) when you tell him you have HSV then HSV is not your problem. The way you worded it made it sound like your partner might hurt you. Is that how you meant it to sound or are we misunderstanding?
  • Thank you for your replies, yes it is a misunderstanding. I will have an anxiety attack telling him. My councilor says don't tell him, I don't have the genital one so why bother to mess up his mind too?
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