Herpes playing a role in relationship (staying or ending it) Advice?

Hi guys! It's been so long. This forum seriously saved my life back in 2015 when I got diagnosed. Adrial and the other forum godparents don't realize just how awesome they are.

I'm with a guy now that ironically tested positive for herpes before we met then found out he didn't actually have it. At the time, everything was going great (very quickly I might add), so I was heartbroken to hear that news. Obviously I was happy for him because he dodged a bullet (I had debilitating back to back outbreaks), but I just knew he'd leave me because who would want to risk something like herpes? But he shocked me and said he'd never do that especially not for a skin condition. I thought I'd marry him then and there. We used to do a lot together and have a great time, but once the money was gone and we got comfortable, it kind of died. I don't look up to him anymore. He's more like a son that I have to watch over than a boyfriend. I feel awful because he was always there for me and does some nice things sometimes. But the romance and attraction died and I was left with a homebody who doesn't do anything unless I suggest it. I've always wanted to have kids young and I enjoy doing things like house hunting and party planning so this is very hard for me. People say to just focus on myself but I do a lot of that already. I graduated from a top tier Ivy League university, got a great job, great apartment, etc(not bragging just stating facts. I hate the northeast and would never recommend it). I have plenty of passions and interests but everything goes back to my dream of parenthood and the family life. When I weigh the pros and cons, I always end up thinking it's worth the guaranteed family to keep him around. But the voice in the back of my head tells me we're not perfect for each other anymore. He says it's because we don't have money to do anything he likes to do, but I feel like there has to be a way. When I think of him or our relationship in general, the vision of him is someone who props his phone on his (much larger than it previously was) stomach watching videos and eating. It's not the jet skiing, kayaking, laughing, exercising, play fighting guy from before. My second thought is always well I have herpes so dating is completely unpredictable.Letting go of him means letting go of a guaranteed dream. I'm also big on facing consequences and playing the cards you're dealt. I chose to be with him, he didn't leave when things became inconvenient for him, he never did anything wrong besides not being the same person he was, and I chose to have the unprotected sex that led to herpes. I feel like it's a different circumstance because other people just want that companionship and a happy relationship, but that was never my priority. I wanted kids and to do activities with them. When I met him I thought he'd be a perfect partner to do that with, but now I wish he had never shown me what real happiness in a relationship is like. It made me want one instead of a live-in co-parent. I feel bad trying to change him but I'm only trying to make him the person he used to be. I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for that to happen. Not even sure it will. Btw, please excuse the bad grammar and long post. I'm on my cell phone lol

Oh I guess I should also add that spending time with friends doesn't work either since they're all out of state with their own lives now. So the chances of just finding love are pretty slim because I don't have circles and I refuse to date online again. I really hate dating in general now because everyone's at their best. I moved in with him 3 months after we met because he wanted to do things together and the long distance was stopping that from happening. There's a lot of resentment since now I'm the one who wants to do things and he doesn't. I mostly moved to get out of my parents' house but 40% of the reason was for him. The first year was hell because we lived with his crazy sister in law and her 4 animals in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere. Now that we've moved out,it's gotten a little better but still very bland. I feel like he loves technology more than communicating with me and is always talking about how we need more time apart.

Does he need space to feel comfortable going outside to enjoy hobbies like cleaning his car for 4 hours straight, browsing the tech department at a store, or so he won't feel implied pressure to grab the 20's at the gym?

I'm not saying you're overbearing, but it is possible that he doesn't want to subject you to the torturous rituals of his hobbies.

Maybe you are right that his aspirations are to work his same job forever, and vegetate on his tv and phone with all of his spare time.

You could start a dialogue about it.

I can tell you that I am the type that avoids subjecting my girlfriend to the cruelty of my hobbies pretty often. I can spend 2 hours laying under my car in the hot sun on a Sunday. That is absolutely not something I would expect my girlfriend to stand by and witness. Let alone all of the cussing, negativity and frustration I demonstrate while doing simple maintenance, haha!

Maybe his ritual is one he doesn't want you to be put off by.

But if you find that he is content to be as he is, and that you need aggression, big dreams, big moves, and career advancement, maybe your instincts are right. Maybe he doesn't have the same kind of drive.

Talk to him about career, find out what he is already doing to reach those wonderful dreams that made you feel inspired. Talk to him about finances, and find out if the first thing he would buy the day you both pay down student loans would be a phone, a car, or a house. Talk to him about what he would do if you went to visit a friend on your own for a couple of days. Would he hang around the house, would he go to the bar every night, would he go to a car show / concert, or would he spend extra time at work?

Would you like doing those things yourself?

Would you be happy that he wants to do those things?

Would you find the fun in the kind of lifestyle those desires an interests imply as what is going to be part of your daily life?

I recommend starting a dialogue when you find yourselves surfing netflix on a friday night, or something equally idle.

It just might reveal that there are lots of interests you still both share, and a way to make some of the things you each want to accomplish happen.

If not, maybe you are on different stages of your lives. You, not satisfied, and him, too stagnant.

Thanks! Yeah he had a legitimate video game addiction growing up but was able to curb that a bit when he was deployed in the army. That was when we met so I thought it was even more attractive that he was able to get his life back on track. He would skip school to play almost every day and all night and his mom didn't do much to make him stop. So now everything involving the real world is hard for him because he was never really in it. When he moved in with his brother after we met, the video games became his hobby and that was awful. Now he watches political videos all the time which I think is slightly better since he's actually learning about something and gaining something to talk about. There's just no, hey let's go kayaking or hey let's go drive around the city or check out the stars. Or hey there's a cool beach that we should go to on Sunday and check out. I'm always the one doing this searching and making these suggestions to try to keep the spark alive.