It's taken me awhile to do this because I've been kinda of brushing H under the rug and ignoring it. I'm posting because I've felt alone and don't really know who to talk to or if anyone can relate.
Back in October, my body was going through some hormonal changes.. I had just gotten off the shot, had my first period and somehow also managed to get a really bad yeast infection at the same time (sorry if thats TMI). So I went to the doctor to get antibiotics for this "yeast infection"... and without asking me, she sent in a sample of a sore I had for herpes testing. A little bit more than a week later I got the call that I was positive for herpes. I screamed and hung up the phone.. I didn't have the heart to ask which type or what to do. I felt sick immediately and went home and cried for hours.
I have been with my current boyfriend since March... and have had a few other partners before him and I've never shown symptoms or had sores until October. It broke my heart. I was confused and angry and I didn't know who to blame or how to feel. Since then I've had 1 or 2 outbreaks every month and I just recently started on Valacyclovir. Not knowing if I got herpes before my current boyfriend hurts a lot because I feel horrible at the thought that I might have given it to him without even knowing. He's been very supportive through it all and we have both agreed to not blame each other because that will just harvest negative feelings towards each other.
One thing H has changed about my life is the way I go throughout my days. Even though I take valacyclovir on a daily basis, I still get outbreaks from a few notable things. If I have an emotional episode (crying my eyes out, fighting with someone) then I will most likely get an outbreak within the next few days. If I'm overly stressed, I'll get an outbreak. After or around my menstrual cycle I expect an outbreak. Even though I expect it, I still get sad when I see it because I just remember the feeling I had when I got the phone call that I was positive.
Overall, the outbreaks aren't what's hurt the most. It's the challenges I feel mentally towards everything. I have only told a handful of people... Not even my family. I know they would be ashamed of me because of the stigma behind H. And I know even if I educated them on it, they still wouldn't accept me. I'm so scared of people knowing and finding out because I feel like they will view me differently. The people I have told about it have either educated themselves or taken the time to let me educate them, and they realize that it isn't what the media paints it out to be. They still love me for me and they always check up on me to make sure I am handling life okay.
I still struggle with accepting H. When I think about it or see my outbreaks I get so sad or in a horrible mood. I feel sick at the thought of hanging out with someone who knows I have H (even my friends) because I think when they look at me thats all they will be thinking about. I hate the thought that I have a permanent STD. I hate the stigma behind it because I KNOW people would treat me different if they knew. I hate when people make insensitive jokes or comments (without knowing I have it) and I just have to brush it off. Rationally, I know it isn't the end of the world. When I read the facts about how common it is I still didn't feel any less alone. How can I come to terms with this?
It's been quite a few months since October and even though it hurts less it still hurts and I am tired of being so ashamed and disgusted of myself. Any tips or advice would be really appreciated.