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positive guide to herpes disclosure






 

 

Have genital herpes, had sex and he had a panic attack :(

Hey! Glad to be on this forum to learn, share and support each other in this herpes struggle.

6 months ago I had my first genital herpes outbreak. I am 24 years old slowly but surely accepting my condition and dealing with it accordingly. Fast forward.

I met someone I like and told him I had the virus for genital herpes and currently on suppressive medication for two months now (I take 400mg acyclovir twice a day). I explained to him that taking this medication and having protected sex lowers his chance of being infected. I haven't had any outbreak since I begun taking the medication. I know the virus can be shed but shedding reduces because I am on medication. He seemed to understand but yesterday we had protected sex yesterday (the sex was great) but after he had a panic attack :(. It stressed me out so much that for a split second I was thinking about not disclosing my status to any potential partner again. Next day he texted me that the attack was triggered by him thinking about catching the infection and/ or passing it to his daughter.

How can I explain to him that we can still be intimate and protect him? For example,

1. How does one know that they are shedding the virus?
2. Can he perform me oral sex on me?
3. Can he finger me and still be protected?
4. Can we cuddle while naked?
5. Can I spread him the virus if I have vaginal cuts from rough sex?
6. What is the risk of transmission from female to male?
7. Should my medication be changed to valacyclovir to lower the risk of transmission to him?

Thanks :)
Sandra

Comments

  • You deserve to have sex with someone who doesn't fall into a panic afterwards because of HSV. You could educate him, but at the end of the day if this going to continue to be a big issue for him find someone who isn't scared of sex. Hopefully a little education and you walking away will teach him not to lose his shit over this with future partners.
  • You deserve to have sex with someone who doesn't fall into a panic afterwards because of HSV. You could educate him, but at the end of the day if this going to continue to be a big issue for him find someone who isn't scared of sex. Hopefully a little education and you walking away will teach him not to lose his shit over this with future partners.

    Thank you <3 @Dumfounded

  • Agree 100% with @Dumfounded. HSV is very, very common. He may have HSV himself. His daughter may have HSV. It is likely the known risk combined with the location of the infection and related stigma have triggered this panicked response. Agree that if education does not ease his mind, you are better off walking away as this will be unhealthy for you. Considering the prevalence of genital herpes, particularly among adult women, combined with your antiviral use, you are not presenting a unique risk worthy of this type of response. However, some people are simply anxious about known risk and anxiety isn't always logical. Sucks for him and for you. I'm sorry you experienced this.
  • optimist said:

    Agree 100% with @Dumfounded. HSV is very, very common. He may have HSV himself. His daughter may have HSV. It is likely the known risk combined with the location of the infection and related stigma have triggered this panicked response. Agree that if education does not ease his mind, you are better off walking away as this will be unhealthy for you. Considering the prevalence of genital herpes, particularly among adult women, combined with your antiviral use, you are not presenting a unique risk worthy of this type of response. However, some people are simply anxious about known risk and anxiety isn't always logical. Sucks for him and for you. I'm sorry you experienced this.

    Thank you @optimist <3. He really isn't worth it if education doesn't ease his mind. I feel so much better already!

  • Pass it to his daughter ? The only way if it's sexual contact... soo u probably need to educate him more
  • Yeah... @lifegoesonn. Thanks!
  • Sounds like he needs some help with making decisions in the heat of the moment.
    You deserve to feel confidence and security in the bedroom, without fear of your partner having a backlash of emotions after.
    Maybe he needs some more patience and understanding. Maybe he needs you to insist on using protection for a while.
    It seems like he is very attracted to you, which is great. But remember that the flood of "feel good" chemicals associated with impending intimacy can cloud judgement, and make people less concerned with risk. He seems to need some help with this, considering his anxiety afterward. It can be as simple as you keeping a condom on the nightstand and retrieve it casually.

    None of his reaction is your fault, and you certainly don't need to take responsibility for it!
    But you can help him to prevent future anxiety, amd I am sure he will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
  • edited 2:59AM
    Thanks @RegularGuy I have coffee with him on Tuesday. We'll see how that goes. <3
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