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Rejected...trying to stay positive


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So I had my first real “rejection” today and man...it was not easy. It was particularly hard for me because this guy had, in my opinion, led me to believe that he was totally fine with my HSV status. We had had a couple discussions previously to today and I had reaffirmed with him that he was interested in moving forward with a physical relationship. He had stated as long as we were being safe it was not an issue. Then today after some probing he said he isn’t comfortable with the HSV. He said he did some more research and just decided he didn’t feel comfortable.

 

While I can respect a persons personal choice, I feel as though if he had any doubts he should’ve said that up front. I got my hopes up only to be blindsided a week later. While he said he is going to get himself tested and ask partners to do the same, I really don’t believe in my gut he will do this. I believe that fear and paranoia got the best of him when he thought about the possibility of contracting it himself and having to tell partners as well. I also think he may have been influenced by others.

 

It still makes very little sense to me that someone who was all over me last week and affirming his desire for me could this week be in a completely different head space. I am trying to look at this as a blessing because to be totally honest I wasn’t 100% when it came to chemistry and feeling his personality. One thing this taught me is that I don’t need to settle with anyone simply because they “accept” my status. Even though there were a couple warning signs where i thought “mehhhhh idk if the chemistry is there” or “his personality is kind of a turn off” I was going to choose to ignore those because the satisfaction of someone wanting me sexually was going to make me feel good about myself.

 

Today was a hard day but I am going to choose to take it as a lesson learned and move forward. It’s ok to get down but it’s not ok to stay down. Working on loving myself and only accepting what I truly deserve is what I need to be focused on

 

 

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I'm sorry you are dealing with disappointment from rejection.

But you did a really good thing by letting him make his own decision, without false pretenses. It is clear from the many examples on this site that you did the best thing for yourself and for him, despite having to deal with the bruises from being let down.

You should take reassurance from the fact that herpes was not the deal breaker here, you weren't sure if he was right for you, and he probably sensed that sentiment himself. It doesn't make either of you wrong, or not good enough. It just means that you weren't and exceptional match for each other.

It is rare that finding someone you truely line up with naturally happens fast. Unfortunately, dating typically means meeting every kind of person you wouldn't be happy with before you find someone you could be, and then that other person has to feel the same about you. It's taxing to say the least.

 

You are totally right that loving yourself is a major priority (and I think prerequisite) to finding someone who can love you themself. How could you know what it feels like, if you haven't felt it internally.

 

The sexual enthusiasm and excitement is just icing on the cake. While many people enjoy that icing plenty, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The pursuit of a relationship hosts many additional challenges and doubt, if you haven't expected to encounter some disapointments.

 

If I could make a recommendation, try talking to a few different people you are interested in. There is nothing wrong with exploration, and it certainly helps lessen the impact of being overly invested in one person who may not feel the same way.

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He may just need more time to process. That's completely normal and happens all the time. I disclosed to a guy 22 years ago who said "thats a lot to think about" and literally there was no info out there. He called two weeks later wanting to go forward. We split up mainly due to him taking another job out of state, etc. Next disclosure went to the man I'm married to now who is negative after 21 yrs! He accepted immediately as he was totally smitten....lol It's all in what you make of it!!!

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Considering most people with HSV don't know it, there's a decent chance those who are choosing not to be with someone HSV+ (which it's perfectly okay to make that choice) are either HSV+ themselves or are walking away into the arms of someone who is.

 

I would have been that person who chooses not to be with an HSV+ person. I can't even touch public doorknobs, I'm very nervous about illnesses. Anyway, I married my husband and after 15 years of being together I had an outbreak. We haven't bothered getting tested because we don't really care but we have reason to believe he is an asymptomatic carrier. Being with my husband is the best thing I've ever done and the joke between us now is that there is no one I'd rather get (or give) herpes to.

 

Let them walk away. You know this is a common and benign skin condition and someday he might find that out too. As for you, you're just as beautiful and wonderful as you've always been.

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@RegularGuy @Katidid @Dumfounded thank you all for the words of encouragement, it means so much. While I will never know what his real thought process was and why he went from being all over me to not being comfortable it is, in the end, the best outcome.

 

This guy has had 30+ partners and was unaware that HSV isnt tested for on a standard panel so the odds are in favor of him having been with an HSV+ person before. He may even be positive himself because he is in a pool (based on age and ethnicity) that has a higher rate of carrying HSV. I asked if he plans to get himself tested and ask for all his partners results since he has decided it is a deal breaker, he said he will. I dont believe him. He is one of those types who likes to present himself as very open minded but I think like so many others he found himself caught in the fear and stigma.

 

I didnt handle the rejection as I hoped I would have (I was pretty defensive and argumentative) because I did feel so blindsided by his change of heart. Moving forward I need to keep my hopes in check and take emotion out of it when someone decides not to proceed forward with me. I knew being defensive wouldn't change his mind, I was just SO disappointed and SO pissed.

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I'm sorry it got to you so much but keep in mind people will reject you for all kinds of things, hair color or styles, personality, weight, height, economic status, location, annoying laugh, for being too introverted/extroverted, for having kids, etc. Herpes is just one of the many reasons someone might not be interested. It's all good.

 

The fact that so many people have HSV and don't know it I find fascinating. That means the stigma exists only for the minority who have symptoms or who were responsible, got tested and came out HSV+. The majority of folks with HSV don't know and they are out there denying one person for HSV and giving it to the next. Again, there is nothing wrong with choosing not to take that risk (although I would argue choosing to have sex by default means taking that risk) but there's a dichotomy there that I find ironic.

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@Dumfounded yes I totally agree and before finding out I was HSV+ I had been rejected many times over for all sorts of reasons. I think the reason this hurt particularly bad is because I know he wanted to sleep with me. He told me on a scale of 1 to 10 with how much he was sexually attracted to me it was a 10. While I know we wouldn't have been compatible long term in a casual or serious situation, for the short term it felt great to be desired and it hurts that in this case HSV was the determining factor that lead to us not being intimate.

 

I also find is annoyingly ironic that people would choose to deny me for my honesty but accept someone for their ignorance. In this guys case he seemed to really be turned on by my honesty and respected me for being up front with him. He does some videography work and said he wanted to interview me because he felt more people needed this knowledge about HSV. In this end it was his fear and stigma that turned him away from me

 

 

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I am so sorry, girl. There is so much ignorance and misinformation being spread. And honestly, you’re probably right about him. He’s probably not going to get tested, regardless of what he said when you asked him. It sounds like (no offense) he may have just agreed to that because you were upset and he was cornered. Under the circumstances, regardless of his right to reject me, I would’ve been hurt and pissed off too.

 

The next time will be better =).

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