just got diagnosed and struggling

This has been the most painful and numbing experience of my life. I am only 17 years old and I went to the doctor this morning to be diagnosed with herpes. Every time I go to the doctor I research my symptoms and come up with the worst possible thing it could be, cancer, tumor, torn muscles. I was experiencing extreme pain and burning and I had blisters. I didn’t think it could be herpes. i’ve only had oral sex once. The chances were so small. But I used doctor google and found every possible thing it could be. I was going to try to go to a clinic on my own to get tested but the pain was too bad to wait any longer so I had to tell my mom about it. I told her that i thought I had a yeast infection, and I had convinced myself that I did. I thought there was no way I had an sti. This is just like one of those times I thought I had cancer but it was just a hormone imbalance. I convinced myself to not think about the worst outcome. But I was wrong.

My mom didn’t know that I had gone that far with my boyfriend. I first tried to deny that I was sexually active but after the doctor did the exam she said it looked a lot like herpes so i had to admit, in front of my mother, that I had done oral sex. I was ashamed. I AM ashamed. She says she still loves me but I can see the disappointment in her eyes every time she looks at me. It has now been 12 hours since my appointment and I have only moved from my bed once, to use the restroom. I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to go into the world again. I don’t know if I even want to.

My boyfriend was trying his best to be supportive but we’ve only been dating for a couple months and I had to end it. I can’t even take care of myself, how am I supposed to be in a relationship. I told my best friend and she’s doug her best to help me through this but she doesn’t know what it’s like.

I have never been more terrified in my life. All I want to do is change my identity and crawl in a hole somewhere far away. I am numb. I am never getting out of this bed again. I am never going to put myself out there. This is the worst week of my life. Usually when I say that i’m exaggerating, but not this time. I don’t know how to do this.

I'm really sorry to know that you are struggling so much.

Many of us have felt many of the things you are experiencing, and we know that it is hard to picture how to gather yourself up and try to live on!

But you can, and you will, and herpes will not define who you are!

I would recommend that you do your best to try to keep doing the things that make you feel accomplished and give you some joy. I wrestled myself to work and school when I first found out, and at first it seemed pointless, and that I should take sick leave from work and quit school. But after a few days, I realized I was still pretty damn productive, and having projects to work on made me feel like myself. After a couple of minor personal victories, I realized that herpes was not going to stop me from doing the things I want to do!

Now, I can look back and see beyond any doubt that regularguy is still just a regular guy. He is just as smart, just as socially adept (inept, haha!), and just as good at everything he was a few months ago.

He just washes his hands better, takes one pill a day, and communicates about his condition with his girlfriend when necessary. Nothing monumental there.

You can imagine all of the goals you set for yourself, and realistically, they are equally as close as they were yesterday. They will also be equally challenging as they would have been yesterday.

I would recommend that you make a plan to do something a little extra fun soon, to give yourself something to look forward to, and motivate you to get out of bed.

I would also recommend that you seek opportunities to help the people closest to you with anything you can, as their genuine gratitude will remind you that you are still a wonderful person, who is appreciated.

Herpes doesn't change who you are, or what you can do!

I ended up accomplishing several really big moves in my education and career while simultaneously coming to grips with my diagnosis, and looking back on it I am positive that herpes has no bearing at all on your goals and dreams.

I know much of what you are feeling, I struggled with depression in waves that would hit suddenly. But being there for people close to me gave me evidence that I was still a worth while person. Doing what I enjoyed reminded me that I was still just as good at things I like to do as always, and persuing goals gave proof that I am no more or less capable than I ever was.

That said, take time if you need it. Reach out when you feel down. If you find yourself struggling to turn your train of thought away from negative, self-loathing ideas, ask someone here, or someone close to you for a sympathetic ear. It is not too much to ask.

It's impossible for you to see any positives right now, I KNOW, I understand, because I have been there. But you are 17 years old...17! Wow! With your whole life in front of you :).

You did what most teenagers are doing every day and became sexually active and drew the short straw, which by the way, isn't that short, as sooooo many of us draw it! Am I right? And...did you know - 50% of genital herpes diagnoses now are attributed to oral sex i.e. HSV1 in the genital region? So you're really not alone, nor the only one.

Saying all that, it's going to take time and a bit of patience with yourself to see the light again, but you will get there. If nothing else, you will learn to use this as a filter for people in your future who are not worthy of you. But right now, take it one day at a time. Look for other stuff around you that doesn't scream "HERPES!" because that monster will f**k off eventually, and the sooner the better. Believe it or not, there will be a day not too far away when the first thought you have in the morning will have NOTHING to do with herpes.

It's a lot to take in, but please use the time out to educate yourself about the reality of HSV1 (the cold sore virus) and remember that it's possible (and likely) that you'll never have symptoms again!

And perhaps you should think about seeking help with your health anxiety, as it sounds as though you are suffering with something along those lines (I am talking from experience ;))

Every day is a day further from the initial *destruction* so many of us think this pesky little shit of a virus brings in to our lives. Don't give up on your chance at an amazing and fulfilled life.