Going on a regular date soon-NEED advice!

Hey so it's been less than a month since I found out I was H+, and...I'm still out here looking for my soulmate. I'm very focused on that. I have been catting with a guy from OKC for a few months (before I found out about the H) and we're finally going to get together on Friday. The only person I would want to have sex with that I've disclosed to is my ex, to tell him to get tested (wish I didn't still love him).

So the first few days after finding out, I wouldn't let a guy so much as touch me. But I'm hoping that my charming personality will make dudes not care. Also H rate is higher where I live than nationwide, so I'm hoping that works in my favor.

I think my first turning point on this happened like maybe 2 weeks after I found out. I was out at a bar with some friends and this guy I'm friends with (not close or anything, but we cool) was there. I always suspected he had a thing for me and I got those same vibes from him when I saw him again. He doesn't know about H but I still feel like if I got to a point where I told him, he wouldn't care. And would see me for me. I don't think I will be getting with him.

ANYWAY, back to the guy I'm seeing on Friday. I'm not going to tell him on our first date. Frankly, idk if we'll hit it off in person and also it's not his business unless we're going to have sex, which we most certainly will not be doing on any first date. I think I want to wait to see if we have a connection or not before I decide to say anything.

For those who have had the experience of disclosing to someone who wasn't close to you and who you were interested in: How long did you wait to say anything? Any advice for you know, not feeling like a shitty person on this date as I'm trying to get to know him and not feeling like I have some kind of terrible secret and am an impostor?

Just want to say this community has been so helpful to me. I could have been SOOOO much more depressed, but reading all your stories have given me hope.

ALSO: is it just me or do tons of guys with herpes also have really buff bodies? Might explain how I got it smh.

Cracking up at your comment about guys with buff bodies. Might explain it for me as well.

I don't have advice, but am in the same boat! So I am just going to stalk this thread and see who chimes in for you :) Going on my date Saturday, def. not sleeping with him on the first date and don't get the impression he is that kind of man. He and I talk frequently and when we talk, I completely forget that I have to tell him this news at some point. Then panic sets in. Oy!

Good luck!

Hi y’all! I’m not an expert (by any means), but I’ve had H for 2.5 years now. My theory is...don’t disclose til it’s time for sex.

In any situation, you shouldn’t feel like you’re hiding ANYTHING. On the first couple dates, there’s no reason to share anything that you don’t WANT to share. First dates are all about getting to know the person, their hobbies, their sense of humor, before you go deeper and start to uncover the heavier stuff (he may have depression, you may have anxiety, he might work a lot or have low confidence, you have herpes...these are all normal human things, but none are first few date material).

For one night stands

if I’m at a bar, and I’m digging a guy I just met, I’ll tell him before we/I get in the cab (oof, I’ve disclosed in the cab before. Not recommended). If I’ve decided I don’t want sex (and just want a make out, I’ll even declare “but I’m not having sex” just to make sure expectations are set), I won’t disclose before heading back. Basically, I don’t want a guy to think that he’s getting sex, only to be faced with a disclosure when he’s at his horniest, in his bed. I’d prefer to give him at least the option of finding someone else at the bar if it’s that big of a deal

(I’ve had nearly 100% acceptance here. So that’s a good start I think! Literally only one person has cared but that’s because I didn’t really want to hook up so I didn’t give my best disclosure haha)

Your real question was for dating. Again, I’m no expert, but I’ve NEVER disclosed on the first date. It’s too personal, we live in a world where if you don’t like your dates shoes it’s on to the next one. Don’t hand them a reason to say “next”. After all, don’t you wear your best outfit, wear make up, and share the most flattering images on the apps? Give you and him some time to get to know each other.

Back to disclosing...I’ve disclosed when it was 4-5 dates and it was just getting obvious that I was avoiding going home with someone. In that case I finally went home with him, but said “before we do, I need to tell you something...”

I’ve also made out all night with someone, waking up the next morning and said “there’s a reason why I didn’t go past second base last night...and it’s because I have herpes.”

(And this all goes without saying. But NEVER have sex - especially unprotected - without disclosing. Seriously, read some of the sad and worried people that are tearing themselves up the next day.)

This weekend, I have a third date with someone. It’s cheating, but I read on his okcupid profile that his answer was “yes” to would you date someone with genital herpes. So I have a good sense he’d say yes (though maybe not a guarantee). I’m going to see how the night goes - if he asks “what was your scariest moment” or “whats your darkest secret” it’s an easy transition. Likely, it’ll be as the night is winding down, and he might ask “will you stay over?” In that moment, it’s my option - “yes, but if it’s alright just to cuddle” (and I won’t disclose)

My disclosure speech - this is the long version, use only if he’s asking questions. Otherwise, cut after “I have xxx, risk is xxx”

or “yes, but before I do I’d like to tell you something. Remember when we joked about everyone having HPV? Well, I have something that is almost as common - genital herpes. I’ve had it for about 2.5 years, and I’ve come to find that, despite how terrifying it sounds, it’s been really more of a mental annoyance than anything.

Do you know anything about herpes?” (Yes/no) “ok. Well, it’s ridiculously common- 1 in 5 women have it, but, it’s also not included in STI panels. That’s how I got it - I was “safe” in that we were both tested before sex, but in my naïveté neither knew you had to ask for a special test”

(What does that mean for us/you)?

“Well, because I know, I can be safer about it. I am well aware of my body, and haven’t had anything (weeks? Months). That, plus I take valtrex daily, which means the chances are even more reduced. With a condom, valtrex, and me being aware, the chances are 1% if we’d have sex regularly for a whole year. Which means...slim to none”

(so what can we do)

I can obviously give oral no problem (wink). Also; it just doesn’t like the mouth, so if you’d be comfortable, that’s on the table too. I prefer to have sex with a condom (both until we’re both tested, as well as until we’re more committed).

I’m telling you all this not to scare you away but because I want to let you know I care about you. There will be those out there (and some doctors have even told me) not to disclose. But I think that’s unfair. And I’d rather be brave and careful than cowardly and stupid.

...so that’s my speech! Hopefully that helped.

So how was the date??

I disclosed over text - he was talking about how he’s a sexual person ( a strange conversation I must say)! But I took that opportunity to say “ok if we’re going to be honest...I have genital herpes”. He said he figured something was up based on my ok Cupid answers, but that he was totally ok with it. Said he’d dated a girl who had it previously, that he’s definitely been exposed at some point, and that he has cold sores.

We hooked up on Saturday (both of us heading south, which has been FOREVER for me). It was great, I’m getting tested tomorrow and should we keep going, we might be getting rid of condoms soon...

I disclosed over text - he was talking about how he’s a sexual person ( a strange conversation I must say)! But I took that opportunity to say “ok if we’re going to be honest...I have genital herpes”. He said he figured something was up based on my ok Cupid answers, but that he was totally ok with it. Said he’d dated a girl who had it previously, that he’s definitely been exposed at some point, and that he has cold sores.

We hooked up on Saturday (both of us heading south, which has been FOREVER for me). It was great, I’m getting tested tomorrow and should we keep going, we might be getting rid of condoms soon...

Thanks for the update! I didn’t know that Okcupid asked those types of questions. I think that’s a great thing. I’ve been on POF but don’t remember if they had questions like that. He seemed really cool about it all and even dated women with it before so that’s real comforting. I haven’t disclosed yet except for the guy i was seeing at the time I found out but your story is encouraging!

Hi guys!

NothingGoodGetsAway thank you SO MUCH for that!

I wound up not going on the date bc the dude wound up being MAD flaky, but I'm definitely taking your advice. It's very helpful and I really appreciate you laying it all out!

NothingGoodGetsAway - thank you!