New Discordant Relationship

Hey all, new here, hoping to get some real advice/questions answered from those of you with experience. I am a 30 year old female who recently started dating a 31 year old HSV1 & HSV2+ male (10 years). He told me pretty early on about his diagnosis, which, came as quite the surprise as I had never had this conversation with anyone before. I know he was nervous as his honesty came out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation.

Both of us are actually in medical school, and as such, I am an extreme critical thinker and problem solver which has led to some pretty severe inner turmoil about this relationship. I am head over heels for this individual and I don't think I would hesitate at all if it wasn't for his diagnosis. Because I am in medicine, I know that this is just a virus, and there are tons of different strains of herpes viruses that affect many different types of mammals presenting with a wide variety of symptoms. But my main concern is knowingly and willingly putting my health at risk for another person. I am not immunocompromised in any manner but I do have a pretty poor immune system, always getting colds, tons of allergies, and I am incredibly terrified of contracting HSV2 and having serious debilitating outbreaks that could interfere with my education and career.

We have yet to have sex and talked extensively about this. He has been very open and understanding if I chose to end things. I have done an incredible amount of research in medical journals and googling, have spoken with my primary care physician and an STD specialist, and had a full STD panel (negative for everything except HSV1, which I have known for years). He also has an appointment with his doctor for a full STD panel and to switch from acyclovir to valtrex as suggested by the STD Specialist as Valtrex is now also labeled for the reduction of transmission to an unaffected partner, is waiting for his Lysine to arrive from Amazon, and, if we do decide to have sex, fully intend to use condoms.

I know that the use of daily anti-virals, homeopathic remedies, condom use, and abstinence from sexual intercourse during outbreaks and prodromes is the best way to reduce transmission to an unaffected partner and that there is absolutely no way to eliminate that risk. I also know that is is very likely that I have already slept with an unknowing infected individual. The STD specialist even said to me multiple times this really is not a big deal at all and the only reason its stigmatized in America is because we don't like to talk about sex, which is a valid point.

Im concerned that I could contract this disease, despite being careful and I'm looking for thoughts, support, advice opinions, or, perhaps additional medical papers with facts and figures. I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about this because my close friends are all colleagues in the same school and I would never share something private like this so I've been kind of feeling really alone in this decision. I do talk to him about it but I always feel guilty because I feel like I make him feel shameful, which he shouldn't. I go through waves of acceptance, when I look at him, I know exactly why Im considering this and then moments, where I am alone, wondering why am I putting my health at risk? So, I respectfully ask for your guidance.

Thank you

Honestly, I think this is a poor match for you. It's obvious you care for him a great deal and you genuinely want to be accepting, but in the end there's still anxiety. It's not healthy for him to feel herpes is such a big factor in a relationship. And it's not healthy for you to be dwelling on this risk. You both deserve partners who are more compatible with each of you. You both deserve to have fulfilling sex that isn't significantly influenced by anxiety. My opinion only. But ask yourself how you would feel if a partner had anxiety about kissing you or receiving oral from you due to your HSV1 infection. How would it feel for you? I won't assume the answer but ask yourself this to gain clarity.

You've probably already read that 80-90% of people who contract HSV2 don't notice. This is even more likely when the person already has HSV1. Autopsies indicate 40% of people in the U.S. die with HSV2 with only a minority ever realizing they had it during life. Clearly it's not a big for most people. But there are no guarantees which is what it seems to me you are hoping for. The guarantees can be made through celibacy and to a lesser but significant degree regular partner testing (only 5% of HSV IgG tests return false negatives for people who are actually HSV2+).

Welcome, @Cemmc005. I applaud you for all of the research you’ve done and for reaching out for input from those who have HSV. It says a lot about how much you care for this guy.

Clearly it's not a big for most people. But there are no guarantees which is what it seems to me you are hoping for.

As usual, @optimist hits the nail on the head with her reply. Ditto to everything she said...especially this statment about guarantees. We humans just love to be in control, and most of the time we do a good job of fooling ourselves into believing we’re in complete control, but really there’s a crazy amount of life that is simply beyond our control. As the saying goes, our anxiety doesn’t come from thinking about the future, but wanting to control it.

Best of luck to you with your decision.

Hi There -

I went to see a STD doctor/specialist too (after I got diagnosed with hsv2). Just to let you know, I used protection and still got it (can't say if she was on antivirals or not).

You did your research. The best way to minimize risk is for the both of you to take valtrex daily and use a condom. My STD Specialist said it's less than 1% risk. Keep in mind that asymptomatic shedding is still a possibility. Some people will get breakouts once or twice a year even on antivirals.

My question to you....are you both looking for a serious & long-term relationship with the goal of marriage? You've already hinted that you'll be devastated if you were diagnosed with hsv2. My advice is to take a slow if you both are thinking long-term...and maybe you'll like (or love?) him enough to where it wouldn't matter.

But..if not...then you should just be friends and move on.

Hi, cemc005, I was also recently in a similar situation with the main difference being that the disclosure was after having protected sex with the girl. Luckily I did not acquire HSV-2.

So, your guy is a brave and honest guy, and you like him very much. otherwise you would not be in turmoil, you would have moved on already. Personally, I was in turmoil for several months- perhaps I still am. I distanced myself mostly because I did not know if I could trust that girl or not anymore- she claimed she received her diagnosis right after we had sex but knew of her ex's status. Trust and doubt started eating me alive even though I had fallen in love madly with this girl. I still wonder "what if" though...

For me, it was not the clinical consequences that I was concerned about but rather that catching HSV-2 changes how one is going to date in the future if one is honest about it with future partners. Having to have this disclosure discussion so early on in a relationship since people nowadays have sex after a few dates will drive some people away but not others. So, for me if I knew I would marry a potential partner it would not matter much catching this, clinically it's a pretty benign infection....but how do you know if you are going to stay with a person, you don't yet know well. it's a catch22...that's also why it's such a touch decision also. you have to take the risk before you know that you are going to stay them long-term.

I think it's normal to be feeling anxious facing this situation where your feelings tell you one thing and your self-preservation/logic another. And especially since you are in the field, studying this from all the various perspectives before deciding is appropriate, and my advice would be to take your time to make the right decision for yourself.

Also, being platonic with this guy and getting to know him better before having sex and deciding would be another idea, if he would also be open to it.

Feel free to private message me if you want. I was in such a similar situation myself recently and I empathize with the internal conflict that you feel.

Hi there. I’m newly diagnosed with genital HSV2 and I’m a female. I found out only b/c I asked for STD testing and doc ordered full panel for the first time. My symptoms are mild and consist of itching and some tingling at times. Never had an OB like you may see online or in medical books. I’m ok but I’m aware that this virus affects people differently.

4 years ago I was hanging out with this guy as friends b/c he was coming out of a marriage and emotionally unstable at times. Well I guess he was catching feelings b/c one day he just blurted out that he had Herpes and started crying!! I was shocked that he’d share that information with me and like you had never had anyone tell me this before. Out of curiosity I did some internet search and was glad I didn’t have to go thru the pain that I’d read ladies went thru. He and I continued to hang as friends and TBH I couldn’t deal with emotional mess he was at times and could never see him as more than a friend. He’s attractive so I thought about casually sleeping with him but after he disclosed and I knew I wasn’t in it for more than friendship that’s what we have been and sex never happened.

After being diagnosed 2 months ago you’d think I’d now want to consider my friend as long term potential since we are now in the same boat but I still don’t see him as someone I’d date long term. He doesn’t even know i have it yet b/c I think he will assume we can officially cross that line but I don’t see him like that and I’ve told him before.

So my point is...if you really really like this guy and see a future with him then go for it. There’s chances in everything we do in life. But if you don’t see him long term then be honest and let him down easy. He cared enough of you to tell you before intimacy so that shows his character and integrity.

Keep in mind that even if you decide not to be with this guy the next guy might have HSV and not know. Therefore you end up dating someone with it anyway. This guy didn't just tell you he had herpes. He told you that he respects you, that he's responsible with his and your sexual health, and that he's an honest and trustworthy person.

Good luck!

Hello everyone. I figured I would give everyone an update to this post

So I decided to take the risk and stay with him and it was probably the best decision I have made in quite some time. I have no doubt in my mind that I have a very long future with this individual (when you know, you know) and I cant begin to describe how happy I am. He is, hands down, one of the most amazing men I have ever dated.

He switched to Valacyclovir, as one of its indications for use is the reduction of transmission to an uninfected partner and is taking lysine pills as well. I also started taking vitamins with immune support to help on my end.

We finally had sex in the beginning of January, and, the first time was a disaster. The condom broke so there was an abundance of concerns as there was skin to skin contact and contact with fluids. As you can imagine, it was a highly emotional evening. We did find some humor in the situation though because we did everything on our end to help prevent transmission and the condom broke, completely, and totally, out of our hands, so we did laugh a little. Needless to say, that entire box of condoms was disposed of. So far, I don't have any symptoms but it also hasn't been very long so symptoms could potentially pop up. We have had sex since and its been incredibly passionate and very satisfying for the both of us.

I will say that I do think that having such intense and emotional conversations about sex and herpes so early on in a relationship did actually bring us together and waiting to have sex forced us to explore each other on an emotional and intellectual level. That alone created such a bond and attraction between the two of us.

I am, of course, still nervous about contracting HSV2 but I do know that, especially with him by my side, I can tackle the issue. Im not really concerned with becoming seropositive, but more so concerned with the primary outbreak and if it would interfere with my day to day responsibilities, such as school (I've read some horror stories). I am HSV1 positive but have never had a cold sore so I am not sure if my immune system would suppress HSV2 also. Fortunately, the daily constant fear that appeared at the beginning of our relationship, has ceased and its not something I think about much.

Either way, I am looking forward to a very long and healthy relationship with this man. I keep asking myself, how on earth I got so lucky to find him. I have never laughed as hard nor smiled as much as I do when I am with him. I only hope that everyone else can find a relationship like this.

@Cemc005, congrats! I can understand your joy. I've been with my husband for 15 years. Out of nowhere I experienced a primary HSV outbreak. The assumption at this point is that my husband is an asymptomatic carrier. Obviously neither of us knew anything about that when we started our relationship but knowing now I'd do it again, and again, and again because he is awesome and we are awesome together!!! HSV is a very tiny price to pay for 15 years of great sex and loving companionship.

And thanks for the update!