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My Mom Makes Me Feel Ashamed


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I found out I had herpes while I was in a serious relationship almost 3 years ago. I was only 19 when I found out and in college. The first person I told was my mom. Because I was in a serious relationship, and I believe it was him that I got the infection from, she seemed supportive and told me that everything was going to be okay.

 

Now flash forward three years and my boyfriend and I have broken up and I have finally begun to try and date again. My mom loved my boyfriend and is still very upset that we've broken up (it's been a year). I am finishing up my last semester of college, so I don't live at home. Whenever I go home for breaks my mom is very nosey as to who I am talking to whenever I am on my phone. She has been this way since me and my boyfriend broke up.

 

I told her I was talking to someone, and since then she has been bringing up the fact that I have herpes. She has said the following things to me...

"Well have you told him you have herpes?" this was one of the first things she asked me... which I feel isn't first thing a mother should ask you...

"Why do you want to try to be with someone, when you had great guy that accepted you for having herpes?"

"I really don't think you should tell this guy about your herpes because it's not going to go anywhere."

"You know if it weren't for your whole herpes thing, you'd probably be 'Girls Gone Wild' right now."

And these were just the most recent comments she has made.

 

And these were just comments in one day. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I have herpes, and am afraid to get too close to someone because I am afraid to disclose. These comments have really gotten me down recently right when I thought I was confident enough to get back out into the dating world.

 

Just looking for some words of support!

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Your mom is trolling you. "Girls Gine Wild"? She's basically saying if you didn't have herpes you'd be a massive slut?

 

Dang mom, not very nice.

 

Like most people, it sounds like your mom is ignorant to the reality of what herpes is. She doesn't sound like she knows the facts. Herpes isn't a big deal.

 

More importantly, your sex life is none of her business. She's probably jealous that she isn't as young and attractive as she used to be or as you are or something. It doesn't matter.

 

Anyway, relax and enjoy your life. We aren't here forever and herpes so common that 4/5 people on the planet have it.

 

Also, you can still "girls gone wild" with herpz. I've had rampant casual sex and threesome etc, all with disclosure and herpes.

 

 

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If your mom isn’t supportive, then your best bet is to tell her *nothing* about your dating life. It’s going to be up to you to draw the boundaries, and to be firm and consistent when she nags and prods for details. She will not like this change and will resist it. Meanwhile, try not to take her recent comments to heart (I know this is easier said than done). Her responses reflect her own upbringing and her perspectives on the world. YOU are not the root cause of her insensitive comments and you didn’t deserve to hear them. {hugs}

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Wow, I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Your mom should be supportive and not so judgmental. This is EXACTLY why I haven’t told my mom...plus she’s a minister so I can imagine her comments. She’d try and have me at the alter on Sunday with oil slathered on my forehead...and I’m 42!! Don’t worry about your mom just don’t tell her anything else.

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Statistically speaking, it is highly likely your mom has herpes. Maybe she knows this and has unresolved feelings, who knows. Regardless, I would suggest telling her that her comments have been insensitive and you'd like her to be more supportive. Then if she makes another insensitive comment, tell her the topic is off-limits and end any conversation when she makes a comment like this.

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Parents can say things they regret, just like anyone else.

If it helps, you can point out that she's being a downer when she says that stuff.

Worst case, drop the parental equivalent of the nuclear option: "I hope you don't keep being an asshole, I wouldn't want my children exposed to this level of callousness." Not a line to use lightly, but it certainly does force a prospective grandparent to take a step back and think.

 

Nobody's parents are perfect, but talking about the way your mom handles your situations is probably worth while.

It might also end up becoming necessary to hold of with details about who you are dating until you decide to share.

 

I personally like being able to be open with my parents about some stuff, but not give a lot of detail about who I am dating until after they have met the person (usually). Now that I'm super old (30), I mostly talk to my parents about work and good memories we share. It makes visits much more positive and comfortable.

 

Not sure how close you and your mom are, but it seems like talking to her is important to you, and you want her to approve of your choices. Which she will eventually. Might take some modified behavior on your part.

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