My life and Herpes (A Not Love Story)

Before I started typing this, I took a deep breath, and I sighed.

My herpes story is, at best, complicated.

I found out I had genital herpes (HSV-II) a few days after my 30th birthday. At the time, my husband and I were separated, and had been for about a month. I had cheated on him multiple times, and felt so guilty about it that I had told him.

To really understand this story, I have to take you back through some history. My husband and I met when I was 21 at a college party. We were instantly smitten. I think it was the first time both of us were truly in love, our first serious relationship, and it was definitely the first time I was in love with someone who was in love with me. Our relationship was great for such a long time. Really, almost no issues. We got married when we were 26/27. It was my first year as a resident artist in a prestigious music program at one of the top companies in the US.

I'm a professional opera singer. Yes, it's cool. It's classy. Sometimes it's wonderful. But the reality of being an artist in 2017 means an eternal struggle. Not enough jobs, a horribly political business that favors who you know and what you look like over actual talent a lot of the time, and a lot of rejection and disappointment. It is an extremely hard life. Months on the road, away from your family and friends, not a lot of freedom to do the things you might want. It's the life I chose, but truly, had I known how hard it was going to be, I'm not sure I would make the same choices again. But, I'm still working. I'm still out there, even though I struggle to find work like everyone else.

If you don't know what you're going to need from a long term partner when you're 21, then you sure as hell don't know what you need from a partner when you're 21 and going to have a career in an extremely volatile market. I had no clue the kind of emotional support I was going to need from my husband. It's something we still fight about. I'll be sad or upset about something, and he won't notice, and I'll stuff it down until it erupts into a huge argument, usually at an inappropriate time and locale, like my brother's wedding or a fancy industry party. I'm a master compartmentalizer. I am extremely good at stuffing things down and carrying on, for a number of reasons, but mostly from having depression and anxiety, kind of a shitty childhood and tumultuous family life.

I pretended like everything was fine in my marriage, and when I was massively depressed after leaving my residency, just to find that there were no jobs out there for me unless I spent all of my time emailing, hustling, flying back and forth to audition, spending all of my money, and basically doing everything for an art form that wasn't loving me back. And when I would weep and struggle with the overwhelming amount of rejection, my husband would pat me on the back and say nothing. He didn't know how to comfort me. Sometimes he still doesn't.

So, cut back to the beginning of the story. Around the time I got infected, I had a handful of one night stands (and one two night). I don't actually know who gave me herpes. The person it is most likely to be, I actually still have feelings for, which is sort of embarrassing, but I don't think it's uncommon. But truthfully, I don't know who it was, and I never did my due diligence and notified the three men who I could have possibly infected. I was and still am terrified that if I do, they'll somehow ruin my career or slam me on social media. For an opera singer who hasn't reached Placido Domingo status, herpes would be a career ender.

I'm already an overweight girl with mental health issues, so self-loathing is most definitely in my wheelhouse. I think my biggest obstacle with herpes has been trying not to hate myself too much. I think a lot of that comes from trying to explore my sexuality and "date" a few different guys, and then WHAM! Herpes. Sort of felt like instant karma. And because I don't feel safe disclosing, I have this MASSIVE guilt that hangs over me like a little cloud. Only one of my friends, my husband, and my mom know.

Right now, I'm having my second outbreak, almost two and a half years after my first. The depression, the guilt, the sadness, and the feeling of isolation are all back in full force, and I find myself trying to remember how I got through this all the first time.

The logical part of my brain knows that what it really breaks down to is that herpes is an annoying skin rash that shows up every once and awhile and then goes away. The logical part of my brain knows that it's a stupid virus that doesn't dictate my worth and shouldn't make me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I know that I'm allowed to live my life the way I want and that I am an empowered woman who can do anything I set my mind to, and that I have accomplished much since my diagnosis. I know that I overcame the most intense depression and anxiety I have ever felt, and that I should be proud of what I've overcome.

But it's still really hard.

Sending love to all of you who are fighting this battle, too. It's not easy, and I know that I've had it so much better than some of you who have struggled with constant outbreaks since you were teens. I have so much respect for you. I am incredibly grateful for this forum and the information and support I found two years ago when I joined. Thank you.

25 y/o male here.

First outbreak of HSV-2 was 3 weeks ago and lasted about two and a half. It was bad.

Contracted it from a rare one night stand (I've only been with four women my entire life)

I'm still overcoming the shock of it and the intrusive thoughts that come with.

This describes how I feel on a daily basis.

Metallica - Harvester of sorrow

Best wishes and may the force be with you.

Hi Bluessinger, are you part of a union for your profession?

@Ruiner I prefer Rage Against the Machine over Metallica personally, but I appreciate your kind words. It’s not your fault, and I promise that in a few months, you’re gonna start feeling like yourself again, you’re gonna date, things are gonna get a lot better. The first month or so really sucks. But then you start to get back into a somewhat normal life, and there will even be days you don’t think about it!

@Guy84 yeah, but it’s terrible for freelancers, which is what I am. I can’t even get insurance through them. They’re basically useless and people are constantly complaining about how useless they are. Suuucks