I feel like a horrible human being

I found out almost 2 months ago that I have HSV-2. The person who gave it to me blatantly lied to my face about having it, saying that they had been tested and everything. I am taking suppressive medication, I have had no recent outbreaks.

The reason I feel like a horrible human being isn't because of what I have, it's because of what I did one drunken night. I'm still adjusting to the idea that I even have it. In my drunken and emotional mindset, a guy took me home and we had sex. We had it for hours. I don't remember a lot of the night. Before that night, I had been resisting his advances because I did not feel comfortable enough to have the disclosure conversation with him yet. Turns out, I actually like the guy and care about him. In my state of mind, I did not disclose and allowed him and my drunken self to act on desires. All I want to do is crawl in a hole because no matter the state of mind I was in, I took away his choice. He took the risk without knowing there even was one (although,anytime you participate in sexual activity, you have to accept that you're taking some kind of risk no matter what, especially if you don't ask each other about sexual health.) . With that said, no, I can't put all of that responsibility on him, but I need to tell him. This is eating me alive inside and I desperately need advice on the how, where, and when (obviously as soon as possible). I know he'll more than likely be mad and I can't blame him. This is such a small town and in the industry I'm in, it can ruin my career if word gets around. Again, I am going to tell him. It isn't fair to him if I don't. I shouldn't have even gone home with him if I was too drunk to tell him about my herpes. I can't take back what we've already done, but I need help on telling him in the very near future. Please. I know the facts, I know what to present, I just need some kind of support on telling this amazing man the thing that I should have told him before that night ever even happened.

-SB

It seems you already know you should tell him. If it were me, I'd own up to the mistake and apologize profusely. Also look into the transmission rates for female to male (as I understand, the rate of transmission is lower than male to female) so you can help answer any questions he may have. If you like this guy and he likes you, he may be discreet. Yes, he will probably be mad but at least he won't be in the dark.

I also think you need to work on forgiving yourself. Mistakes make you human, learning from them makes you grow.

I agree, it was a mistake. Had the person who gave it to me been honest even after the first time (same thing, we were drinking), i would have been understanding and taken responsibility for my decisions to have sex and for what happens to my body because of it, then to protect others. but the fact that he lied to me for a year, then lied to the next girl, thats when you should feel horrible. He should know what drinking does, you dont think 100%. The fact youre even going to tell him shows your decency, its very respectable and i hope he sees that. If not, dont beat yourself up. Youre doing what you can to fix it and im proud of you girl.

I'm just so terrified of how angry he'll be, even though he has every right to be. I have next to no right to be thinking of myself right now, but I also hope he doesn't tell anyone. It could ruin my career. I just wish I had never gone home with him. I should never have done that. I plan on telling him, no ifs, ands, or buts. I'm trying to get him to sit down and talk with me. It just all comes out weird like I want to sit down andget in a relationship, which isn't the case. I just need to figure out how to get him to sit down and talk with me. It isn't something you say over the phone or text. I feel like it needs to be in person.

Wait a second, how do you know if he even got it from you?

I'm all for disclosure but there's a bit of it ain't broken don't fix it common sense that needs to be addressed here.

Yes, herpes is not a big deal, but there's also the very high Iikelyhood he didn't get it from you, and there's also another high likelihood that he might already have had it before even having sex with you.

You made a mistake in not telling him. At the same time, if he didn't get anything from you or you can't even tell if he did, then you might just be stirring up some unnecessary drama over what amounts to nothing. You can learn from the experience and always disclose in the future. What's done is done.

I disagree with hippy herpy. Yes he could maybe already have it, and very possible he didnt get it, but that doesnt matter. Ever. As you know, some people dont get symptoms, and for any chance that you did give it to him, you owe him and his future partners at the least a heads up. I know it sucks, but think if you were in his shoes. Youd want to know so you could get tested and have a peace of mind. . Not fair to keep him in the dark even with a 1% chance. Youre doing the right thing.

There's no question. I'm telling him. I know that he needs to get tested now and in three months. If he has it now, it's unlikely he got it from me and could have gotten from a previous partner. So, hell, I could have, in some sick way, done him a favor. It isn't fair to him and he's a good man. He deserves to know. The problem I'm having is getting him to sit down and talk with me so I can tell him about it. I don't want to just send him a message about it, I want to tell him in person. I just can't figure out how to get him to hang out so I can tell him.

Well go ahead and tell him but I'll tell you right now you are making a huge deal about this.

Besides any legal action he can take, this is all about you and forgiving yourself. It doesn't matter if he forgives you or not. For yourself, you have to recognize that you made a mistake. Accept it. Don't dwell on it. Try to learn from the experience and move forward with your life.

Honestly i told the only person who i couldve given it to through text because i knew it would be a while before i could see him. Even if not the ideal way, its better than waiting if youre having trouble getting him to come by. Best way would just say you want to meet for lunch or something and before you go, sit him down and talk. That will give him time to let it sink in and time to think about questions for you that will probably help him not take it so bad. Just the quicker you tell him the better, the longer you wait the more hes going to feel he cant trust you.

Again, i dont agree with the other response. Its the same thinking that gets herpes spread in the first place and the same lame excuse my ex gave me when he didnt disclose to me, just wasnt a big deal to him so why should he worry me about it.. And two, if you intend to keep a relationship going then hes going to have to know eventually. If youre that absolutely scared especially because of your career, you could always tell him that you just found out and thats why youre disclosing now. Its better than not disclosing at all and running any risk.