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Unconfirmed H diagnosis, disclose or not?


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Hi guys, first time poster here, I have been looking at all your wonderful support, so I thought I would ask for your objective opinions.

 

So last week I'm pretty sure I had my first OB. It was so mild and that it took me a couple of days to think I might need to head to the doctor, then I could only see her after the weekend. By the time I saw her it had pretty much all cleared up (about 6 days after initial bump) . She took a good look (bless her heart, very thorough!) and I still had to show her where to go. She said she thought it might be H, but given I had zero other symptoms, I was quite atypical, but took a swab anyway. I think we both doubt it's going to back positive, given the healed stage. I live in NZ and the blood tests for H you all refer to are not available, so the only way I am ever going to know is if it comes back and I manage to get to the doctor in time. The doctor believes the virus must have been in my system for a long time given my mild OB.

 

So here is my issue, I have been married for 9 years and with my husband for 13 years (no cheating on my part, I doubt on his either). If the swab comes back negative, should I tell him?

 

He's currently overseas on business, and doesn't have clue what I've been going through (many tears and sleepless nights). If the swab is negative, my doctor has recommended that in this instance I should say nothing (and she is all for honesty) and wait until I have an actual diagnosis, that given we've been having unprotected sex for so long, it kind of doesn't matter, he's been exposed anyway. I mean he might actually have the same as me, but if he never has an OB, we won't know.

 

For so many reasons I understand why she has said not to disclose, the mental distress that H causes, the fact that she actually can't diagnose me, the fact that in all likelihood he was the one who gave me it (he has cold sores) and he'd be gutted about it, and the obvious suspicion that I cheated on him, will all rear their ugly head, all for a "maybe" diagnosis. We can't have blood tests to see if either of us has HSV2 (his will be positive for HSV1), I literally have to wait and see if it comes up again (and I'm praying it doesn't!).

 

I'm so conflicted, it feels dishonest not to say anything. I am also concerned for his welfare. Given I've probably had it for years, is he anymore at risk now than he was before I had my suspected OB?? (outside of an OB of course). We are trying for a second child too which complicates everything even more. It's like, if it was ANYTHING other than this, I would tell him. It's so hard when we have no blood test option to fall back on. If I tell him we could literally be under a cloud of suspicion for years, and that can eat away at a marriage.

 

Is a "maybe" a good enough reason to disclose, given the mental anguish it causes? Or is ignorance bliss in this instance?

 

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@Rozi Does your husband, or has he ever performed oral sex on you? You state that he has cold sores, and since he has oral HSV, there's a very good possibility that you have genital HSV1. Just because it's genital doesn't mean it's HSV2. Many cases of genital herpes are HSV1 contracted through oral sex. I understand your distress about not discussing this with your husband. I, personally, would want to tell my husband if I were in your position. I feel as though being married to someone, I should be able to talk to my spouse about everything. That's something that you, and only you can decide, but it should probably be done when he is home and not overseas on business. ;)

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I was recently diagnosed with HSV1 during a genital out break while in a relationship with my current girlfriend. Minutes after we had unprotected sex one day, I had painful urination, I told her about it and thought I may have had a UTI. Then I developed tiny blisters a couple days later while away for work. I called her and told her about it right away, told her to get tested, and left work to get myself tested. The culture came back positive and I told her right away.

Honesty has kept her supportive and with me over the past several weeks.

She tested positive a couple days after I did on the blood sample, and we realized that she must have been asymptomatic for a long time.

Neither of us blamed the other, we decided that shit happens.

So, I recommend that you tell your husband. It's okay to admit that you are worried about how he will react. I before we knew my girlfriend had it before I did, I told her I knew she would consider leaving me, and that's okay to think about. I mean, obviously I also told her I wanted to stick together, but I told her I was willing to let her talk honestly about it if she had fears about staying with me.

She was supportive, I did my best to be supportive as well. And a coule weeks later, we are starting to feel normal again.

It wasn't a mess. It wasn't a nightmare. Considering you probably have a stronger relationship with your husband, I think it's reasonable to assume he would want to be supportive for you.

Try to let some of the fear go, and be prepared to be supportive for him in return. He will probably need reassurance that you won't be miserable forever, that you just need some empathy and compassion for a while while you deal with a possible problem.

 

All that said, you still don't know for sure. It could be one of those rare cases of shingles, I read about before I was diagnosed. You may decide not to have that conversation, you may decide to call right away. It's up to you.

Would he want to know, and to have a conversation about it?

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