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Newly diagnosed, already had some successful disclosures


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Hi everyone!

 

I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about month and a half ago, and I was devastated, for 2 weeks I couldn't study, work, hang out with people, workout, I put my life on hold because I couldn't think of anything else but it, luckily I finally snapped out of it but I would still get upset thinking about the guys I wanted to be with and couldn't date anymore. I'm a very sexual person, and just the thought of liking someone and not being able to express it physically would make me feel bad. Also, I felt like telling someone I have herpes would be a huge turn off and no guy would like to have anything to do with me anymore. I've noticed that is not so! I already told 3 guys and they didn't show any signs of it being a deal for them.

 

First guy is a friend of benefits I've had for a while, I told him one night we went out and I thought he would be freaked out, but he wasn't, he even wanted to have sex with me that night. We didn't have sex though, because I'm still afraid I might spread it and I don't want to do that. I'm not ready to have sex yet, but at least I know that by the time I am I won't be so easily rejected.

 

2nd guy I told this to was a guy I met at a club, we ended up making out and then he wanted to come over to my place, I told him no, and he became a bit insistent, so I told him I have herpes, thinking that would scare him off, and it didn't! He still wanted to come over to my place. He didn't though, because I didn't want to, but that left me feeling confident.

 

So then there's this guy I've liked for a while, hadn't seen him in over a year but he would like everything I posted on facebook and that would remind me of him, I wanted to ask him out but didn't dare, I finally did when I had already contracted herpes but didn't know I had it. After the date we ended up coming back to my place and made out. Next day I was diagnosed. That very same day this guy wrote to me and asked me on a second date. I wanted to say yes, but instead I came out with an excuse of why it wasn't a good idea to date. I was so furious by the situation! But then, when I felt better with the fact that I have herpes, I contacted him again and told him I thought things better and I did want to go out. This was after my first two disclosures, so I was feeling confident, even though for moments I thought it'd all blow up in my face. I debated with myself when to disclosure, or even doing so. I thought: "we'll go out, we'll kiss, maybe he'll come over to my place, he'll think we'll have sex, and then I'm gonna give the news I have herpes and he'll be disgusted and maybe will want to leave and not even kiss me anymore." But I still decided to try it out. So, we went out, we ended up kissing on the date and I asked if he wanted to come over to my place. I told him we would only kiss and he was a bit confused by that but he agreed. Once in my place we were making out and he asked me why I didn't want to have sex, so I told him, very afraid of his reaction, and he barely had one! He kept on kissing me as if what I had said was totally normal. He even touched me down there, I think he wanted to do more than that but he was respectful of me not wanting to have sex. Two hours after he left he wrote to me asking me on a 3rd date! I realized herpes is not the deal breaker I thought it would be! Next step is actually having sex. I'm still too afraid of doing it though. But well, one step at a time :)

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Glad to hear you've been having successful disclosures. This is how it has been for me most of the time, though not always. When it's not like this for me, I try to remember that usually this is how it goes.

 

Regarding fear of sex and choosing to decline sex, of course you should wait until you are ready, but I'll share something that helped me overcome this mindset at the beginning when I was still processing everything. Like you, I'm a very sexual person and I've had a full sex life. Until I tested positive for HSV2, I didn't understand how prevalent HSV is, how most people who have it don't know it, how lots of genital herpes cases are caused by oral sex, and how condoms offer incomplete protection during intercourse. Knowing all this now, and realizing that roughly 80% of partners during my lifetime had the potential to transmit HSV to my genitals through either oral sex or intercourse, I ask myself if I would've wanted those 80% of partners to opt out or shield me from their HSV, had they known they were infected. Would I have declined to become intimate with them or used dental dams when receiving oral sex? The answer is no. I would've wanted the option to manage my own risk. In fact, I did once have someone disclose to me and I was okay with it. So I give my prospective partners the same courtesy of managing their own risk. I inform them of my status, offer to answer any questions they have (and have educated myself well enough to answer those questions), and take daily antivirals to reduce risk of transmission. Beyond that, I allow them to manage their own risk.

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Glad to hear you've been having successful disclosures. This is how it has been for me most of the time, though not always. When it's not like this for me, I try to remember that usually this is how it goes.

 

Regarding fear of sex and choosing to decline sex, of course you should wait until you are ready, but I'll share something that helped me overcome this mindset at the beginning when I was still processing everything. Like you, I'm a very sexual person and I've had a full sex life. Until I tested positive for HSV2, I didn't understand how prevalent HSV is, how most people who have it don't know it, how lots of genital herpes cases are caused by oral sex, and how condoms offer incomplete protection during intercourse. Knowing all this now, and realizing that roughly 80% of partners during my lifetime had the potential to transmit HSV to my genitals through either oral sex or intercourse, I ask myself if I would've wanted those 80% of partners to opt out or shield me from their HSV, had they known they were infected. Would I have declined to become intimate with them or used dental dams when receiving oral sex? The answer is no. I would've wanted the option to manage my own risk. In fact, I did once have someone disclose to me and I was okay with it. So I give my prospective partners the same courtesy of managing their own risk. I inform them of my status, offer to answer any questions they have (and have educated myself well enough to answer those questions), and take daily antivirals to reduce risk of transmission. Beyond that, I allow them to manage their own risk.

 

Thanks for sharing this! I think you are right. The first guy I mentioned said something alike, I said I'd feel too guilty if he contracted herpes, and he said that he was the one taking the risk, so if he caught it it'd be his responsibility. And you are also right about how prevalent HSV is. I contracted it after an unprotected one night stand, which made me think, if I had protected myself it wouldn't have happened, like it hadn't happened before, even though chances are that I had already been with someone who had herpes (I've been sexually active for 10 years now, I must have ran into someone who had it). So I guess it's not that easy to contract it if you take care. But I still have to get used to the idea. Hopefully I'll be ready soon.

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I'm so happy I found this site! I have really bad anxiety about herpes! I don't know what to say to my partners. The one guy I told turned me down and the other 2 were ok with it but they didn't work out, I still don't think I'm fully ready. I'm seeing a great guy now but we haven't had the talk yet. I don't know what to say... how do I keep it from spreading!?

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