What a failure....Need Advice?

I had been seeing a guy I had met off match we hit it off right away. We had talked for a few weeks and then went on several dates. Last week he asked if I wanted to come over to his place after I was done with work and we could just chill and drink wine and he would cook me dinner, of course I accepted the invite, I really liked this guy. I had told him before I even got there that things needed to stay PG because I was no where ready to take that next step with him, I also wasn't ready to share the fact that I was H+. Well we had a bottle of wine and he kept trying to take things further, the word No was just not working for him so I ended up blurting out I have herpes, well that stopped things real fast. I still ended up staying the night and told him to think about things and let me know if had any questions. Today he calls me and says he has done research and does not think this is something he wants to deal with, I didn't know what to say so I wished him the best end of conversation.

I am more upset about the rejection and worried this is going to be a reoccurring theme in my life, I have friends and family that are well aware of my sistuation and tell me that everything is going to work out how it is supposed to but they don't have to deal with it. Why this this happening to me again, how can I possibly get to a point in my life where I am okay with having H? I constantly feel like I am on a roller coaster where one minute I am okay with it and then something happens, like a rejection and I fall back down. it is so emotionally draining, and I feel like my friends and family are sick of talking about the issue with me because it consumes me, there are times I am not even sure I want to continue with my life, it just seems like this isn't something I want to have to deal with for the next 50 years or so. I guess I am just looking for advice of any kind? I have read so many posts on here for the last couple months and I feel like a lot of people on here are very great out look and I want to be at that place I just don't know what to do anymore. I am desperate for a change I just need help finding a starting point.

@Tif1212 I'm so sorry you experienced this. I suppose the silver lining is that you found out fairly early that this is someone who won't respect your boundaries. It's unlikely this is only the case with sex.

I tested positive for HSV2 and my experience disclosing has been that maybe 75-80% of prospective partners have been okay with it. Of those who were anxious about the risk, most had never been tested themselves and only assumed they and other partners were negative. I mention this to point out that often the reaction is about anxiety, not reality. Unless the person is getting tested and asking new partners to test for HSV, if they are sexually active, they are likely taking this risk regularly (for instance, as I've stated many times in this forum, half of women in my demographic have HSV2 but most don't know it). So when I encounter someone who has anxiety about it, I try not to take it personally. I know that anxiety is not always logical. For instance, I have no anxiety driving but I do have anxiety flying, and knowing the facts about relative risk does not change that. It also helps me to remember that most people are accepting, though I will admit I can get discouraged at times. And it helps me to see it as a basic incompatibility issue that would get in the way of both of us really enjoying sex with each other. Who needs that? It's way hotter for me (and of course the other person) if we can both put the risk in perspective.

I want to be clear that I'm not referring to people who actively take steps to avoid contracting HSV. I mean those who get tested and ask partners to test. That's a very different situation and I respect their choice and efforts to minimize risk. I'm referring to people who are taking this risk regularly and only react with anxiety when someone discloses to them. In my opinion, that's about stigma and anxiety. It's super unfortunate, but again, I have found most people are okay with it, so I try to focus on that. When I get discouraged, I take a break until I'm ready to try again.

I'm concerned about what you said about sometimes not wanting to continue with life. Please feel free to PM me if you need an ear. (((HUGS)))

Hi, @Tif1212....welcome! I'm sorry for the experience you had. From my perspective, this is not an example of failure, but an example of being forced into disclosing before you were ready. And as @optimist hinted at, losing someone who "forgets" what the word no means after a couple of drinks is not a loss. It's a blessing.

After divorcing two years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not start dating again until I took some time to actually enjoy being single and being comfortable on my own (so that a future relationship would be the icing on the cake and not the whole cake). A big part of this process has been meeting new people and building my circle of friends. Even though I'm not shy, this is still a challenge for a 44 year-old introvert who neglected outside relationships during 15 years of marriage. One of the opportunities in this challenge is that I'm learning to work through some of the pitfalls of self-criticism, fear of failure and rejection.

Here are some of the things that have helped me to move forward. You may find some of them helpful or they may give you ideas for what would be most helpful to you.

1. Noticing my inner critic. - She is loud and talks a lot. :) I think the biggest way meditation has helped me (and I'm only talking about 5-10 minutes a day) is that I notice my thoughts a lot more. The sooner I can realize my inner critic is talking, the sooner I can do something about it or at least distract myself so the thought doesn't take hold and the rumination doesn't run wild.

2. Practicing self-compassion. - Kristin Neff's book is a wonderful place to start with this one. We wouldn't dream of treating a friend the way we treat ourselves.

3. Affirming my positive qualities. - If I never take the time to acknowledge my positive qualities, how can I expect anyone else to notice them? Sometimes this is a list of things I love about myself. Sometimes this is including an "I'm proud of myself for...." statement with the short gratitude list I write at the end of each day.

4. Challenging myself. - I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone on a regular basis. Yesterday I tried rock climbing for the first time. Guess what? I suck at it. LOL And I was pretty embarassed that all of the other "inexperienced" women I was with made it up the cliff when I didn't. But I tried and gave it 100%. I was in the arena. As a result, it still boosted my confidence.

5. Connecting. - Inbetween my efforts to meet new people and extend invitations that aren't always accepted, I make sure to spend time with people I know love me. Attending an extended family reunion, getting ice cream with my sisters, having coffee with a friend at work, or hiking with my stepdaughter....it really helps.

All in all, these small things have had a major impact on my self-esteem (including how I view myself as someone who happens to have herpes). And they have really softened the blow of occasional rejection, which is inevitable. {{hugs}}

Hi @Tif1212 I understand you completely. Diagnosed at 23 years old. Met a guy and we clicked instantly! We went out continued planing other dates. This one date was on a Friday. I found out I was positive that Tuesday and told him on Wednesday because I knew what was going to happen, because it happened after our last date. So I decided that I needed to tell him before the Friday date. Anyways, I told him on Wednesday, he seemed pretty knowledgeable, and sort of what it means. He said he would go and get tested and mentioned our date, I didn't want him to just be polite and keep the date. I stopped him and told him to think about that very carefully because I was still in shock so he must have be too. He said he would and that he'd text me. So Friday rolls around and I still haven't received a text. It's 10 AM and we're supposed to be going out at 8PM-ish. I freaked, I didn't want to get rejected so I texted him that we had fun, but maybe things should end there. I never heard from him again. I feel better that I was able to do it first, but also not really because I honestly don't even think he was ever going to get in touch with me. I'm talking to someone knew, and I'm terrified about it. I'd love to crawl under a rock.

I have the same moments. Today I'm fine, I can live with this, it doesn't define me. Fast forward to tonight and I'm crying, completely unsure about my future, about life.

I wish I could offer advice, I really do, but when everyone says that the person that rejects you isn't right for you because they can't accept you the way you are, is true. There will come a time when that is your reality. It's just going to take a little time, a lot of disclosure and tons of strength to get there.

What I can offer you is the peace of mind that you aren't alone. We, all of us, here on this blog are in it together. I'm so very thankful to have found it.

Sending you positive thoughts!

I'm with you. I can tell you that, even though it's really hard, life is still worth it. I was diagnosed at 23 and now I'm 29. I just disclosed to my second person ever, so I have a really small sample size, but the first person took it so well. The second person has a lot of anxiety about it and it's really affecting him, and he said he needs time, he's going to go get tested and talk to the doctors about the risk before making a decision. I just hate that I have become "a decision". Having a hard time remembering that I know I'm worth it, and that if he doesn't think so, it's his loss. I logically know this but the emotions are real and it still hurts.

All I can say is that I had a long relationship where it became such a non-issue. It so hard at the start of the relationships, but you can't be in the middle without the starting point. I literally didn't think about my HSV for a few years, because it didn't matter at all once I was in a trusting relationship. Although that ended, at least I can tell you it exists. It's still so hard. We can get through this together. Hugs!