Need support

I have been reading so many posts and appreciate the vulnerability. I have only dated one guy since my divorce and when I found out I had herpes and disclosed to him we were already physical once or twice. He tested and did not have it but he accepted me with love. We have since broken up, and I have started to date and had my first real disclosure. I call it real because I was dating the guy I disclosed to but only touching and cuddling and kissing, no sex. I really liked this guy.

So I told him... I think I delivered confidently. He was very understanding and immediately said let's have sex with condoms. I was excited because I thought he accepted me. The sex was a bit awkward because I could feel his cautiousness and I know how much he likes to give oral sex and did not even attempt. He said the sex was good but I felt we were constrained. Immediately after he left abruptly and pulled away. He stopped texting and was quite cold towards me. I continued to try to contact him via text but he would say he wanted to see me and say he was coming over but would cancel at the last minute. Finally he came over again and I thought we were connecting again and we had sex. But then he disconnected again.

So he texted the last few days and wanted to come over. I have been really sad that we didn't work out and have been hoping that if meant to be he would change his mind. So when he texted I was hopeful. But now I am hurt, it became obvious in the texts that he was interested in sex. I told him that sex with nothing more was not going to work for me. So then he said he wasn't coming over and goodnight.

I am honestly confused. I thought he pulled away because of H. He did say to me that he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend with H. But why would he be ok with having sex with me. Isn't that the riskiest part? Or is he saying that he can sex a girl with H but she is not worthy enough to be anything more?

My heart is so hurt. I feel lonely and alone. I feel rejected and scared that my good qualities don't outweigh this. Help me. I thought this guy and I were feeling something but he honestly treated me like a second class citizen after finding out.

I am honestly confused. I thought he pulled away because of H. He did say to me that he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend with H. But why would he be ok with having sex with me. Isn't that the riskiest part? Or is he saying that he can sex a girl with H but she is not worthy enough to be anything more?

IMHO.....I don't think his behavior has anything to do with you. From what you describe, my gut says he used herpes as an excuse to call it quits because he either (a) just didn't connect with you enough to want to pursue a full-blown relationship and didn't have the guts to just tell you the truth, and/or (b) he only wanted the sex without a relationship. He was happy to have sex when he thought he could have it with no strings, but the moment you say you aren't interested in casual sex, he's history.

None of this changes your good qualities or whether you're worthy of love. It just means this one was not a good fit for you. {{hugs}}

HikingGirl, thank you for taking the time to comment. For a minute I wasn't sure when I would here from someone. It really helped to hear your perspective. I want to believe it was just that he wasn't that into me or never wanted what I am looking for and sometimes I tell myself that, but other times I fall into feeling sad and sorry for myself. I am afraid to disclose again but know it is necessary. Thanks for the encouragement. It means more than you can know.

Your fears are very common. An HSV diagnosis can bring up a lot of insecurities, especially at first. Have you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You"? I listened to it as an audiobook and laughed all the way through it. I think every woman would recognize 90% of the scenarios the author describes! It really helped to cement in my brain that there are a million reasons two people might not connect. We tend to assume any rejection is because of herpes, and it just isn't true. Far better to part ways early and move on, even though it does sting a bit at first. Doing so opens you up to new people and new possibilities.