Confused

I was just diagnosed with genital herpes. I have only had sex with 2 women, my first wife of 32 years (she died of cancer), and my current wife. My current wife and I have been married for about 3 1/2 years. (Her ex-husband of 30 years had cheated on her a few times). About 4 months ago, I had a a rash on my penis and I had my suspicions, especially knowing that my wife's ex-husband was not faithful. So, after much contemplation, I decided to get tested 2 weeks ago, and my results came back this week "positive" (HSV-2). Over the past 30 years of her previous marriage my wife has not had any issues that she can remember; however, she did have "rash" just last week. Again, I have only been with her and my first wife, and my rash first appeared about 4 months ago, and her "first" noticeable rash was last week.

My question: Could have my wife had genital herpes for 15-20 years and not know it, without any noticeable symptoms? And during that time, not have any noticeable symptoms; and then suddenly have her first major outbreak last week? From what I understand, it can be dormant for many years, but there is usually an outbreak soon after being infected, then, after the first outbreak it can go dormant. I want to think that my current wife has had herpes since before we were married, and I also have no reason to think that she has been unfaithful since we were married. We are with each other almost all of the time. We do everything together, we're best friends. She works from home and I am retired, but a lot of what has transpired seems not to make sense. With my first rash appearing a few months ago, and her first rash a few months ago. The fact that my symptoms and her symptoms appeared so recently does lend itself for me to wonder . . . . .

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Caveat: I will be discussing this with my healthcare provider this week.

Hi, @ForgivingSoul. It's absolutely possible and it happens more often than you'd think!

I was diagnosed with HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce, when I started dating someone. I told my ex-husband and the new beau, and they both tested negative for both strains. That means I acquired herpes 18-25 years before getting my diagnosis and I had absolutely no clue all those years. I also did not use condoms or antivirals (obviously, since I didn't know I had HSV) for 15 years with my ex and he still tested negative.

I have zero recollection of any kind of primary outbreak.

In hindsight, I believe I was attributing my mild herpes outbreaks to yeast infections, which were also common for me. My biggest symptom is just some itching. Every few years the water from the shower would sting when I sprayed my genitals. I'd get out the mirror and look and look and look....but could only see the faintest bit of redness in the fold of my labia. Last year, I actually developed a single bump. I nearly passed out because I had never had a bump before. And it was only a mild irritation, so had this happened before my diagnosis, I may have never noticed it because I wasn't checking myself visually.

87% of those with genital HSV2 either have no symptoms at all, or their symptoms are so mild that they attribute them to other things. Herpes is also not routinely tested for with other STDs.

So to answer your question, yes, it's possible. Not everyone has a primary outbreak, the frequency of outbreaks (if they happen at all) varies widely by individual, and there are people who have a visible, noticeable outbreak for the first time years after acquiring the virus. Also, HSV is not reserved for the promiscuous or the cheaters out there. It's been around for thousands of years and it's possible to acquire it from your very first sexual encounter or even when using a condom.

One of my favorite resources out there is this brief handbook. (I also highly recommend the author's full book.). https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/

One last note.....I sincerely hope your healthcare provider is well-informed about herpes. Sadly, many are not (including the nurse practitioner who diagnosed me and the experiences of countless others on these forums). HSV is seen as a non-issue in the medical community because it's common, you can't prevent the transmission entirely, and it's not a serious threat to one's health. That's why I'm a fan of Terri Warren's book. She is a nurse practitioner who not only studied HSV, but ran her own STD clinic for over 20 years.

Thank you sooo much! As I said, my wife did not know, but as I told her, I still would have married her knowing she had HSV-2. We will deal with this together and forever. Thanks again.

.... as I told her, I still would have married her knowing she had HSV-2. We will deal with this together and forever. Thanks again.

You're very welcome. And thank YOU for (a) reaching out for information, and (b) sharing your comments with us. There are many, many people on these forums who need to hear that HSV is not a deal breaker for every future relationship.