I feel trapped in this relationship (he gave me herpes type II)

I met a guy in January and although he was clean and got tested, he didn't specifically request for a herpes test and he passed it to me.

He is a great guy, but I don't feel love towards him. But I feel trapped or like I should learn to love him because I already get anxious dating people but now that I have herpes type II the thought of having to disclose to someone feels awful to me... Like what if they ultimately cheat because they can't have "raw sex" with me... I just don't feel sexy or confident anymore, because of the stigma attached to it. I feel like I can't think about this guy how I should because I feel like I have to stay because we both have HSV II...

Thank you for any words... :( It's a hard time...

I hope you won't allow HSV2 to dictate your relationship choices. HSV2 is very common, especially among women. Most men I've disclosed to have been very accepting and those who were not interested were not rude about it. Also, if you feel trapped with your man, I think it would be kinder to *both* of you to let him go.

Also, please know that having HSV2 doesn't mean you can't ever have unprotected sex with a partner who does not have HSV2. That is a decision you can make with such a partner, weighing the benefits and risks. Most (not all) couples in which only one person has HSV2 eventually stop using condoms. With or without condoms, there is risk of transmission. Condoms do not eliminate risk entirely. So it would be up to the two partners to decide whether or not going without condoms would be worth an increase in risk from 1% per year to 2% per year (if you take antivirals) or from 2% per year to 4% per year if you do not take antivirals.

No doubt it is very scary to leave something when you think you'll never have anything resembling it ever again. If I recall correctly, your diagnosis was fairly recent, and I believe the fears you're having about dating, disclosing, or not feeling sexy and confident are very normal.

There's a drawing I've seen describing "Life in 3 Acts". The first figure is a smiling person holding a blue vase. The next figure is a frowning person whose vase has fallen to the floor and shattered into a million pieces. The third figure is a smiling person holding a beautiful blue mosaic. I just love the analogy. Not only is it a universal experience, but as much as the present moment may really suck, it doesn't mean there's nothing better to come.

When I was married, I spent a good number of years not wanting to be married, but not pulling the plug because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to manage on my own or find anything better. Boy, was I ever wrong! Want to know what's even better than feeling trapped in a relationship? Being single and actually loving and honoring myself!! An unexpected benefit of learning to love myself and honoring my wants and needs has been that it has totally changed how I view myself with herpes.

It's a process. Just start where you are. {{hugs}}