How can I forgive my boyfriend for giving me HSV-2? Also a 'sores' question.

I met my boyfriend in January, and is the most mature kind man I have ever met. We had sex for the first time about a month ago, and I had gotten my first outbreak which was absolute hell. (fever, aches, pain in vagina...). I went to the doctor to get tested and it was confirmed that I contracted it.

He apologized profusely and genuinely did not know he had it. I assured him it was okay and this could happen to anyone. But I got through that first outbreak. A couple weeks later I found two sores on my labia.. They dont hurt or sting or anything like that, but they are obviously sores. I feel a little resentment towards my bf as I've always gotten tested regularly for these things and I deeply trusted him. It was my fault as well for not having him get checked because I trusted him, but I also just feel sad that the guy who promised to never hurt me gave me this. I don't want to resent him at all, but it's hard not to resent this 'condition' I now have... I just feel really sad and I want to wholly forgive him and not see us as gross and be mature about this.

So basically my questions are:

1. How can I forgive the man I'm with for giving me HSV-2? He is human just like I am, but I'm struggling with being okay with this.

2. How long does it take for sores to go away and how can I help them go away? And is it normal for them to not hurt only just feel a tiny bit like a dull ache when touched?

Thank you.

Oh I forgot to mention, my first outbreak I felt very achey and flu-like symptoms and such but this time I felt nothing and just happened to feel the bumps when I put on my shorts. Am I always going to get symptoms other than the sores or?? I'm just confused

I think it may be easier when you are not having symptoms. Time will probably help, as well.

The scenario you described is not uncommon. HSV2 is very common and usually not included in STI panels, even when someone asks to be tested for "everything." 80-90% of people who contract it never realize it and only 12.5% of those who contract it are ever diagnosed. The rest have no idea they have it and are generally discouraged from testing for it or at least not encouraged to do so. There is no medical effort to identify carriers of HSV2 at a general population level, only to diagnose and treat those 10-20% of people with HSV2 who experience noticeable primary outbreaks and/or very obvious recurrences. The CDC recommends against testing in the absence of symptoms.

What you described in terms of symptom progression sounds normal for someone who experienced a noticeable primary outbreak. Only 10-20% of people who contract HSV2 have a noticeable primary outbreak, but among those people, the significant symptoms you described do not sound unusual. And the difference you have noticed in terms of recurrence symptoms being less severe and lacking flu-like symptoms also sounds normal for those who get recurrences. If you find you continue to get recurrences and they are bothersome, you may want to explore antiviral medications which are very effective for most people who have recurrences. IIRC, daily antivirals reduce symptoms an average of 80% and many who take them have no outbreaks at all. Some people prefer to take them only episodically when they feel signs of an outbreak in order to speed healing. Some people don't take them at all.

As for what to expect, individual outcomes can't be predicted in that way, but *most* people who have symptoms get them most frequently for the first year or so and then find their outbreaks decrease in frequency.

@sp0 I've been thinking about your question about resenting your boyfriend for giving you HSV. I don't know who I got it from, so I'll be up front by stating I haven't been in your situation. That said, I think it would help me (if I was in your situation) to do my best to separate the virus from the person as much as possible.

I can think of instances in my own past where I was quick to blame someone near to me when I was really frustrated about someone/something else (or several things). God knows when I was first diagnosed, I blamed doctors for not routinely testing for it, I blamed my nurse practitioner for including it in my routine STD panel, I blamed myself not being better educated about HSV and for getting it in the first place, I blamed society for its ignorance and judgment, I blamed my ex for not getting it after 15 years of marriage when I only had a handful of short-term relationships before him, etc. I carried all of that blame with me and since I couldn't just go yell at my nurse practitioner or society in general, I took it all out on myself.

The other day I posted a link about blame where it was described as the discharge of discomfort and pain. That makes me wonder if we can reduce blame by changing how we discharge pain. (Maybe that looks like crying, talking things over with a trusted friend or therapist, journaling, or exercising.). I don't know for sure, but might be worth a try and is interesting to think about.

And, as @optimist said, you may very well feel less angry and resentful when you're no longer dealing with the pain of an outbreak and you've had some time to digest this diagnosis.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit. :)

sp0, I'm in the same situation as you. I was diagnosed with hsv2 2 weeks ago. I got it from a girlfriend of 5 months who never had any symptoms and had no idea she had it. Am I angry at the situation? Yes. Am I upset that I will carry this the rest of my life? Yes. I'm sure you are too. My suggestion is to look at intent. Did your partner know and intentionally expose you to HSV without disclosure. Based on what you said, the answer is no. So, you can forgive because the intent to harm you wasn't there.

If a friend borrows your car and wrecks it because they were texting and drunk you'll be pissed and rightfully so. If that same friend gets rear ended and it's not their fault, you'll be disappointed with the situation but you won't hate your friend.

You can forgive your boyfriend because he didn't intend to harm you. That's how I'm trying to approach it but admit it's difficult.