Nondisclosure of the fact they have HSV2

When I started dating my girlfriend she insisted she was clean. Then I developed a cold sore and she broke down and told me she had Herpes. I found out later that she had know quite some time before we met that she was infected. She is now dating some other guy and I am positive that she hasn't told him she is infected. Would it be wrong of me to let her friends know that she has Herpes and they need to warn her partner before she infects him. If he knows and doesn't care then that's on him, but I feel I need to make sure he has all the facts in the most likely event she hasn't told him

I'm very sorry you experienced this.

Personally, I would say it's her own personal health information, so the idea of spreading that info around does not seem right to me. I would suggest focusing your energy on how you disclose to your own partners. You can only really control how you deal with your own herpes, not how she deals with hers.

Another option is to actively work toward raising awareness of the prevalence of HSV. In the case of HSV2, only 12% of HSV2+ people have been tested/diagnosed. The remaining 88% are unable to disclose due to ignorance of their HSV2+ status. You might find raising awareness of this to be a positive and less personal way of channeling your energy regarding lack of disclosure. The most common factor in lack of disclosure is ignorance of positive HSV status.

Yet another option is to give your feelings some time to settle down. In time, you may be feel differently about your own diagnosis and then feel differently about hers by extension.

@Angryandhurt Keep in mind that cold sores on or around the mouth are generally HSV1, not HSV2. While it's increasingly common to get genital HSV1 from someone who has oral HSV1 (as a result of receiving oral sex), it's *extremely rare* to develop a cold sore from HSV2. Likewise, unless you had a positive swab test along with a negative blood test, and you didn't have any other partners with in the previous 16 weeks, it's possible you either had an existing infection or received the virus from someone else. The vast majority of adults already have oral HSV1, so you will be encountering this situation again.

To be clear, I don't advocate not telling a partner about one's HSV status. At the same time, I think it's valuable to be well informed--even if that's later rather than sooner (I know that was the case for me!)

At the end if the day, it's not our job to police the morality of others. I get that the urge is coming from a place of hurt and betrayal. But advertising this person's status does absolutely nothing for the person that matters: you. No matter how hard we try, nothing we say or do is going to convince others to act in accordance with our values. *Maybe* you prevent HSV for this one person. But in all likelihood, he already has a strain of HSV, you look like the sad, bitter ex, and the girl goes on doing her thing no matter what you say.

@Angryandhurt I recently went through something similar. My ex husband is the one I contracted genital herpes from soon after we became physically intimate. He was aware, yet did not disclose. It took me a long while to forgive him. We divorced 3 years ago, and earlier this year, he started dating someone new. For several days, my only thought was that I needed to "warn" her. After mulling it over, looking deep within, and questioning my motives, I came to the realization that I would have been doing it for selfish reasons. It was difficult for me, as I often wished his first wife had come to me with the information before it was "too late". It's taken me a long time to understand and accept that we, as individuals, have no control over others and their actions or behaviors. To be honest, it's such a relief knowing that! The only thing I can do is make sure I give *my* potential partners the choice I wasn't given.

I whole-heartedly agree with the last paragraph of @HikingGirl 's comment above!

I haven't been on in awhile and hadn't seen the responses until today. I am sure i do seem to be the sad bitter Ex. I hate this bitch to my core for what she did or potentially did to me. Before I actually post my question I had told her Brother and Best friend that she was infected, which of course, went right back to her, and she was very angry with me telling me it was none of her friends or families business that she had anything and that she was going to sue me etc. I told her please, sue me so we can get your disease into Public record. I told her I was going to tell everyone she was infected, her coworkers, family, friends of ours. She said why did I want to humiliate her like that and I said because you fucking knew you had Herpes and insisted to me you were clean when you knew from the get go that you were not. She didn't give me the option to make my own decision sexually. To be honest, had she told me she had Herpes, I'd have left and never returned.

My biggest mistake was I married this bitch, because I thought my life was ruined. Who would want to sleep with me if I had Herpes? So we were married for 11 years, most of them unhappily, because I hated her for what she did to me. I posted the question more so because I believe that I know one of her co-workers introduced her to this new boyfriend, and I wanted to reach out to her to let her know what a piece of shit my ex is and that she needs to warn her friend that he needs to get to a Doctor for a check up.

So of course that will make me the Mad Ex or whatever, but I can not let it go. I want her to suffer, indignity, shame, ostracation, and pain and humiliation.

In the end will that change anything as far as me having Herpes? No. I need to go and have the tests done so I can know for certain I am infected or not. I have only had one or two cold sores in the last 11 years and never anything near my genitals. Whereas I have seen the blisters on her Clit, Labia, and even once on her ass cheek. So I know for a fact she has Genital Herpes and in our 11 years together she picked up one script for Valtrex and then never took it. So for our marriage she showed no concern for my sexual health which then led to me not wanting to have sex with her. If we had sex 20 times in 11 years I would be surprised.

In my State I have looked it up and It is not a crime to not disclose Herpes to a Partner because it is considered a skin infection as opposed to HIV where you can be criminally charged for non-disclosure. The most I can do is file a civil case against her and sue for mental anguish, and make her pay for treatments, pain and suffering, etc. And I told her I was going to do that once I've been tested. My Doctor, when I first found out she was infected, said that I probably would test positive for it since I had had unprotected sex and had the cold sore but then he never did actually do any testing. So once I get health Insurance (Lost coverage in the Divorce) I plan to go back to him and say Test me! Don't assume, I want to know for a fact one way or the other. If I am positive, I will definitely be looking at suing her at the least.

This whole situation has me screwed up in the head. Maybe I'm clean and an worrying about nothing? Maybe I'm not. I am so full of hate at her and rage. This isn't something small like a broken dish, this can effect the rest of my life. My Dad did me wrong when I was a Teen, I haven't spoken to him or forgave him in 30 years. This bitch exposed me to something far worse, and I will never forgive her for that. And if I can ever figure out who gave her the idea that as long as you don't have an outbreak you don't have to tell them. They are in for an ass kicking.

Funniest thing is, I'm the one who doesn't know for certain, but at least I'm attempting to gather more information, she IS infected and has never shown a concern about it.

@Hiking Girl, When my Ex and I started dating, I hadn't been with anyone but my own hand for the last 3 years. And I always washed my hands before and after lol

So I am certain, I didn't get it from anyone else.

FYI someone i hooked up with recently only disclosed after we had sexual contact.

This is not unusual and be aware, most people don't even know they have HSV2 so i would be prepared to accept that you are going to come into sexual contact with it in the future too. It's not the be all and end all and many people go on, like your girlfriend, oblivious.

Cold sores around the mouth often come from childhood. You may have been infected then by anyone and not known it and some people dont get any breakouts until later in life.