What not to do

Hi everyone. I'm new here but herpes is not new in my life. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of eight years. We had been friends for fifteen years before we started dating. So once we started dating things moved very fast and we were married in four months. A month after we got married I came down with what I thought was the flu. Then a week later I had a herpes outbreak. I was mortified. He was my second marriage and I had been with plenty of people in my past but I really wanted this man to be able to trust me completely. I had at that time figured out he had some pretty serious trust issues. I figured when I told him he would think i cheated on him. In retrospect, all these years later, I figure he already knew he had herpes and never told me. His response to my outbreak was just too calm. And in retrospect I now know all the other information he withheld about other things. (A whole different conversation). So I silently bore this herpes burden, because we NEVER talked about it openly, where it came from, how it affected us, and so forth. He never had a visible outbreak that I saw - ever - in eight years.

Fast forward to now... We've been apart since February. I got horny. It has been my experience that fuck buddies fall into my lap when I am in between real relationships. And that happened this time too. This young guy and I had sort of become friends at work over the last couple of years. I moved away and moved back but when I moved back I was single and our interactions became more flirtatious. I'm forty and he is twenty five. It seemed the perfect thing - he was hot and young, strong sex drive, all of his hair, no baggage, no desire for a real relationship, and too much age difference between us to even entertain having a real relationship. The thing was he was a really nice guy - a good human being. And this is what happened that I hope the rest of you have the courage to never replicate....

I knew I had herpes. Did not know what type. So when we started flirting I had my doctor get me a script. She wrote it for acyclovir. I noticed that my last script from years before (still in the cabinet because I never had outbreaks and only used it before giving birth) was for valacyclovir. I was pretty sure they did the same thing. I started taking the acyclovir. On the days when we were going to be together I took extra. We used condoms. BUT.... before the last time we had sex I felt a little of the weird nerve sensation like before an outbreak. I lied in my head and said it was my imagination. We had sex, oral as well. After he left the sensations got more pronounced. I couldn't sleep, worried sick I had hurt him. Texted him the next day and asked to meet to talk. He knew something was up and said he was worried but wouldn't talk to me. By this time I had an actual outbreak in spite of the meds. I have a huge conscience and I was accepting the reality that I had to divulge my cowardice to this guy in a fucking text message and explain to him how might possibly have forever altered his beautiful young life and how I robbed him of the power of choice by not being forthright with my disease. I'm sure he is devastated. He has not answered any texts. I'm sure he hates my guts. But the very worst part is that I violated him by not being honest from the beginning. And why? Because I was a coward. Because I had never had to talk about it. Because it was a silent horror that lived within me. And now it's probably his silent horror too.

Wow after reading your story you really got my attention. I have recently been diagnosed with genital HSV-1 in April 2017. Just a short version of my story. I am a 46 year old female not new to the "online dating" scene. I have over the past 16 years been on again off again with "online dating". I was warned repeatedly by friends who contracted STD's from one major site (not going to name), that they told me to be very careful. I however threw caution to the wind after starting to date in January 2017. I met a guy whom I wasn't very attracted to, had no real feelings for at the beginning, but started to fall for him after a month. Of course sex came into play-he was charming, respectful, and for the most part a decent human being. What I did not know was he also was still married, had HSV 1 & 2, and had zero intentions of ever telling me. After a few weeks of heavy sex, I let him have oral with me in a span (and I kid you not, of about 30 seconds). He did not give me oral for long at all as we were both super horny and wanted to have intercourse. Within a week or two I came down with what I thought was a UTI. Ended up in a non emergency care center and basically got antibiotics. Just by luck it was my time to get a PAP smear and all the female test for my yearly exam. When they called me back to tell me my results I knew something was different. She asked me "can you talk for a minute?". I of course was so worried it was cancer as my grandmother had ovarian cancer. Nope. She then says "everything looked normal except for your cervix". "It showed cellular changes consistent with Herpes". I literally was in a conference room at work and was about to collapse. I asked her to repeat this. She did. Same story. Now telling this man what had happened was quite interesting. He denied everything, said it must be someone else, etc. I told him I was getting blood test and he agreed to also. I could never get an answer from him or the name of any kind of doctor. One week to the day of the cervical diagnosis, I also received my blood results. Positive for HSV-1. Blood test do not confirm where but it was obvious if it was on my cervix. I blasted him over dinner with my results in hand. He fessed up to having HSV 1 and 2 and saying he also had blood work showing this. I was devastated. This man thought once we found out I only had HSV 1, that we would stay together and only have protected sex going forward. How could I stay with an a-hole like this? You cannot expect me to ever trust him again. Needless to say, he and I have gone our separate ways, no communication for over a month and I am positive he has gone back out on the major "online dating" website and re-activated his profile for the next victim. I am being told genital HSV-1 is not able to be transmitted from genitals to genitals. I have also read that is incorrect as well. I am on the daily suppressive therapy but every few weeks or so I get itchy, some pains that are so strange and generally just depression. I have never seen any blisters or sores, just this strange "nerve pains" that pulse through my female area. They don't stay long and then they are gone for a few weeks and back. Just long enough to remind me I have herpes. The reason your story got my attention was my doctor has told me there is "no need to disclose" as with genital HSV-1 you cannot give to anyone. I find this crazy and am the type of person who could not go any further in a relationship unless I do disclose. My friends/family tell me it's ok to go back out there but to use caution and just don't say anything. I can't imagine giving this to someone else. I didn't get the choice and I don't want to do it to them. Your story reminded me of "what not to do" when and if I decide to go out into the dating world again. Right now I am still processing this as I had been tested for STD's for the last 10 years every year thinking I was in the clear. It only takes one person. I am not a "whore", as I have had in the 15 year span of dating, five relationships that lasted 2 or more years. I once was that girl that made the "herpes" jokes and made sure it came up in conversation on dates that "ewwww, who would want to date someone with that?". Now I am getting paid back. Thank you for sharing your story. I will always disclose as I am an honest human being and like you do not want to pass this along to anyone. However before I end my story-back to yours. I don't think you are this horrible person who intentionally infected this young man. You at this point aren't even sure he has it, he just hasn't returned your texts and it may be that he is running scared from "thinking" he may have contracted it. We all make mistakes. Forgiveness. I am learning that word. It's a hard pill to swallow. Take care of yourself and just learn from your mistakes going forward. I know I sure am.

New2this2017

@new2this2017 I was reading your reply and wanted to just say a couple of things! HSV1 *can* be transmitted genital to genital, it just isn't *as* likely as if it were HSV2 because HSV1 is the strain that tends to like the oral environment better. This typically leads to less asymptomatic viral shedding and less outbreaks, although it is different for everyone.

What was the timeline of your sexual encounter and the blood test, as in how long after did they draw your blood? I ask because for herpes blood tests, it takes a number of weeks (up to 16 weeks) for an IgG level to come back as positive. Did they ever send a culture of your cervix that showed the strain as HSV1? I would just be concerned that it is possible that you could have contracted HSV2 (since he does have it) and your blood result may not have been positive yet if there was not enough time for your body to build up the antibodies needed to be detected in an IgG test. Many people carry HSV1 orally their entire lives without having a cold sore which could explain the positive test for that.

I am not saying that you have HSV2, so please don't think that! It is very possible you do have genital HSV1, I just wanted to reach out and say the thoughts that immediately came to my mind when reading your post

Hi ash2018. I would be more than happy to answer your questions. First thank you about the HSV1 "transmission" info as I had read so much on the internet my head is still spinning. I last had sex with this man on April 2, 2017. The visit to care center was on March 28, diagnosed with UTI. My PAP test was on April 12, 2017 with results showing HSV 1 on cervix April 20. I had blood work done on April 26th as I also went back with horrible itching and a culture was done showing "bacterial infection". And doctor also started me on Valtrex Apr 20 just in case the primary outbreak was to come. Got positive blood results back on May 3 showing HSV 1. Negative for HSV 2. I realize the timing is not enough to develop antibodies. I have a doctor appointment in the morning and will beg my primary doctor to do a follow up blood test. My gyno did not seem to think another test was needed. At this point, it will be at 17 weeks. I am very apprehensive about finding out but have got to know. Also the blood test performed was IgG. I heard that is the most accurate of all. And last but not least, I had a full testing of ALL STD's including HSV 1 & 2 on February 3, 2017. That is how I know it was this man. I believe he knew all along and just thought it would never show up with me since he had never once had an outbreak. Have not really believed his story but at this point it is what it is.

@new2this2017 I'm sorry that you're going through this. It isn't something anyone wants to go through, for sure! I also have genital HSV1 recently diagnosed and have apparently had it for some time, my IgG was 9.48 so definitely positive. I've been with the same man, whom I'm engaged to, for 2 years so you can imagine my surprise. If your pap showed the HSV1 I would say it's safe to say that's the strain you have. But I would still ask your primary to run the test for your own peace of mind. I had a positive culture but still wanted the blood work. And I was quite honestly so nervous that HSV2 would show up because you just never know. I breathed a sigh of relief when it was positive for HSV1 and negative for HSV2 - one strain is enough! If you don't mind me asking, do you know the numerical result of your IgG test? I'm interested since they say it can take so long for antibodies to develop yet yours showed up so quickly in a matter of a couple of weeks! That makes me question how long I've really had the virus, I had assumed a while since my result was positive

Hi ash2018. My numerical result on the IgG for HSV 1 was a 2.13 index. I have read so much on this topic that I am beyond understanding how it works. When so many doctors seem to not even know answers how are we ever gonna know? My gyno was so sure that this wasn't a big deal that I look back now and think she only said the right stuff to get me to stop crying and freaking out. Her nurse that I spoke with several more times was actually disagreeing with her but had to be careful about what she said. She talked to me one day when the Dr was out and explained that HSV1 has become so prevalent in younger people because they do not realize that cold sores can spread from mouth to genitals. I have yet to experience a horrible outbreak. Not sure why I have been spared these last four months since the diagnosis. I have accepted that I am not alone. I am sorry about your story too. Yes, one strain is enough. And back to the blood test, I was astounded by my gyno not wanting to re-test me as I even knew the blood work was too soon. I hope my primary doctor will do it tomorrow but if not I am going to do it on my own. I have to know for peace of mind. And I have just recently begun the process of accepting and forgiving. It was and still is a hard thing to accept. If this matters, his blood work showed an IgG of 39.4 for HSV 1 and 8.98 for HSV 2. He sent me a copy via text since he couldn't speak to me in person. I was very surprised because I did not believe he even had the test done but he was tested on 4-25-17. His reaction to me telling him first was like as though it was a non-event. That is why I believe by his numerical results that he has had this for quite some time. I will never know. Thank you for listening and sharing your story. I just joined today and already feel so much better that I am not alone. I just want my life back.

@new2this2017 2.13 is a low positive result, some would normally question that because it's less than 3.5, but with your positive pap culture I would say it's correct. Really the IgG number doesn't have any specific meaning to it in terms of how long you've had the virus/correlation of how high the number is. That would be nice if it were cut and dry saying "if it's between this and this you've had it this long", there are some who have it for many years and have a 3 result and some who have it for a smaller amount of time and have a much higher result. It is a very complicated topic, this virus, but education can help you feel better about it once your head stops spinning. I was and still am amazed at how little doctors don't know about this virus. It took me seeing 3 different practitioners before someone thought to do the culture I had done. And the first two saw my outbreak in much worse of a state than the final one, who saw it when it was almost completely healed! Insane. The midwife I've been seeing has told me it isn't a big deal and is very common, which it is - according to WHO 2/3 of the *entire* worlds population has HSV1, many oral but genital is certainly on the rise. I knew "coldsores" could spread to the genitals, but I thought you had to have a cold sore for that to happen and I also didn't know that people can have HSV1 orally and *never* have a cold sore, so they never know they have it yet can still spread it.

As far as outbreaks, what is an outbreak for everyone is different! All pending on your body's reaction to the virus. Some have symptoms so mild they're easily mistaken for something else. Mine wasn't fun but it wasn't as bad as the pictures you see on google (if you haven't googled it yet, don't! They use a lot of worst case scenario pictures). I went on suppressives after diagnosis and haven't had any visible sores since but still don't feel right down below.

One day at a time. That's what I've learned, more than anything else. Do yourself a favor and google Ella Dawson. She's a young woman who has genital HSV1 and she is amazing. I look her up often. She has a blog and the posts she's written are awesome as well as the videos she's done. Watch her TED talk! She helps me get through the tough days that I have coping

@ash2018-I have come to realize that herpes is so "taboo" that nobody wants to hear they have it. I have never married and probably at this phase in my life I am not sure I even want to date again. I cannot imagine how to tell someone about this. I feel like it already is hard to deal with rejection, but this kind is a whole other level. I have read Ella Dawson-she is a god send and quite the educated young lady. I wish I had her attitude toward all of this. I guess that will come in time. I have read several of your post-I thank you for all of your advice. I know it has to be hard on those days when you just want to run and hide. I think each of us supporting one another on here is therapy and will eventually make you realize that there are so many people fighting this disease daily and have the same thoughts. Going to see the TED talk. I need some inspiration right about now. Thanks for listening. :)

@new2this2017 you're very welcome! Having people to talk to is immensely helpful. Feel free to reach out any time! I hope the TED talk is as good for you as it was for me! I've watched it multiple times all the way through since I was diagnosed